My feeble attempt

[sjada]

I had some writting problems recently, so this is my latest attempt. I'll try to return any crits.

Wasted by anxiety
Of inhuman humanity.
Another brain-dead prisoner
Resorting to insanity.

Warping winded intervention,
Choke the air with tightened tension
To the point before its break.
There is no martyr it can make.

Drugged into a perfect state
By some inscription to its fate.
Clawing at the twisted mind
That transhumans incorporate.

Warping winded intervention,
Choke the air with tightened tension
To the point before its break.
There is no martyr it can make.

Beat against a whitewashed wall
Of predetermined protocol.
Paralyzed and pacified,
Corroding will within us all.

[sjada]

Anyone?

[Comfortably_Numb]

I had some writting problems recently, so this is my latest attempt. I'll try to return any crits.

Wasted by anxiety
Of inhuman humanity.
Another brain-dead prisoner
Resorting to insanity.

Warping winded intervention,
Choke the air with tightened tension
To the point before its break.
There is no martyr it can make.

Drugged into a perfect state
By some inscription to its fate.
Clawing at the twisted mind
That transhumans incorporate.

Warping winded intervention,
Choke the air with tightened tension
To the point before its break.
There is no martyr it can make.

Beat against a whitewashed wall
Of predetermined protocol.
Paralyzed and pacified,
Corroding will within us all.

It has a very interesting feel to it, which I liked. At first I was going to say it came off slightly forced because of all the rhyming, but I think it works well. I also like the stance you seem to be taking in this piece. It is somewhat short though.

[RNR]

I don't like it when sentences are incomplete (know that they're lines and not sentences, but you don't establish a subject) and start with a verb in the preterite tense. Which is what you do in all of your verses. Everybody freaking does this and I hate it. But that's just me. However, I love how you rhyme. Because nobody freaking rhymes anymore and I hate it when people don't.

But enough about what I think. It was good.

[Dugan]

I like it. You should write more to it. 9.5/10

[sjada]

Thanks guys. Anything more as far as critiques?

[-:Vincent:-]

Wasted by anxiety
Of inhuman humanity.
Another brain-dead prisoner
Resorting to insanity.

This is a good verse, and a nice way to start off the song. I like the rhyme scheme but it does seem a little forced, its not that bad though, I wouldn't change it.

Warping winded intervention,
Choke the air with tightened tension
To the point before its break.
There is no martyr it can make.

I really like this one, especially the first two lines, but I don't see how this relates to the rest of the subject. This can be used as a good chorus though.

Drugged into a perfect state
By some inscription to its fate.
Clawing at the twisted mind
That transhumans incorporate.

I really like this, I wouldn't change anything about it.

Beat against a whitewashed wall
Of predetermined protocol.
Paralyzed and pacified,
Corroding will within us all.

This is fine, I like how the rhyme is more subtle here, "wall" and "protocol" go nicely together.

This is a really good piece, you have room to add some to it if you'd like but its fine as it is. The only problem I had with it was understanding what it was about. 9/10 :thumb:

[sjada]

Thanks. Its kind of a nonconformist theme, not so much rebellious as being about trying not to be sucked into stereotypes. I'm still not sure exactly what I was thinking when I wrote it.

[Jacob6293]

I like it a lot. Check out my "Shattered Consciousness" song. 8.5/10.

[EmergencyRoom]

Wasted by anxiety
Of inhuman humanity.
Another brain-dead prisoner
Resorting to insanity.

Nice stanza apart from line three. It just doesn't fit the flow, which is otherwise good. You should probably try expressing the same ideas with different wording. The idea of "inhuman humanity" is nice, but revising the first line to "the anxiety" would fix the sylable count and produce a stronger sense of rhythm. The last line would also benefit from addition of an adjective for insanity, and again, something with one syllable will help the rhythm. The ideas are ok, nothing really orignal but quite well worded.


Warping winded intervention,
Choke the air with tightened tension
To the point before its break.
There is no martyr it can make.

I dislike the last line because you've changed the natural word order so that it fits the rhyme scheme. This is one of my biggest pet hates. I find myself doing it sometimes and it almost always looks really forced. You could maybe change it to something like:

To the point before breaking.
There is no martyr in the making.

or similar. It avoids the sense that you're forcing it. I also think that the alliteration in the first line seems forced as well. Otherwise the stanza is fine.


Drugged into a perfect state
By some inscription to its fate.
Clawing at the twisted mind
That transhumans incorporate.

This doesn't flow very well, although i do like the fact that you're using a set rhyme scheme. It kind of fits this piece. Some of this feels forced again, especially the last line where incorporate looks as if its just been wedged in there. The rhythm is very stop-start again as well.

Warping winded intervention,
Choke the air with tightened tension
To the point before its break.
There is no martyr it can make.

As before


Beat against a whitewashed wall
Of predetermined protocol.
Paralyzed and pacified,
Corroding will within us all.

Not bad. The theme is very "1984". Again the syllable count throws the rhythm off. Same problems again, but a bit better written.


Overall: If you are going to use a set form then remember to always keep to it. If you change the syllable count for some lines then the rhythm will always be very stuttering. Themeatically it's ok, but a little less cliched imagery in the first parts are needed to make it a bit more stand-out. If you use a rhyme scheme then don't fall into the trap of throwing a forced rhyme in when you can't think of anything right away. A bit more patience with the form, rhyming and imagery will make the piece more solid.

5.5/10