One More Promethean

[hammy311]

My first post after a long sabbatical; hands up if you remember me.

Anyhow, a lyric/poem:


one more promethean.

austere
i may be,
all maxim and axiom,
my postscript - a prophesy
to poison the colony,
i may be solitary, prone
to catastrophe, or lingering
in metaphysic, wordplay and reverie,
i mar my chances to be
held as a specimen by a
senseless society,
they won't pin my butterfly,
discord is too dear to me, i
discern it too easily,
although you say
i miss opportunity
and misuse what god gave to me,

but i'll tell you something, i've been
prometheus rising
more than you'll ever see,
scrawling and learning and tending
my legacy, building my monument
to live through the mortuary, a catacomb
for those who fell from the carousel,
wondering why
its inherent that
children are innocent,
and fuc-king's indecent,
why drink's not a drug, or
the rhetoric, slipping so freely
off well-meaning tongues
to change the brain
of the baby,

why the extraordinary should die
to ensure democracy
for the sake of 'humanity'.

so, please forgive me
if i'm sometime subdued,
this subversion needs silence,
these schisms are necessary.
amid the carnage and colour,
tempers and trigger-fingers, i hope
there are others.

sometimes i wonder

if some have ever had
the sudden shock
of looking down to
discover
something's wrong.

[SubtleDagger]

Oh wow, crazy seeing you back. I haven't seen you in forever.

To give a very very terse crit, I think the direction it takes in the second and last few stanzas is very interesting, but I'm not too into the rest due to all the "-y" rhymes that seem a bit forced to me, and I think the meter feels a bit limiting, or at least whatever structure you're using here. The stanzas I metnioned are very good though and show a lot of promise.

[jurialmunkey]

I remember you Jim. This one has a black dot to come back and crit definately.

I just keep getting lost in it... Nicely worded, almost not enough cracks and rawness though - it tries to hint at some with the dialogue; a sort of familiarity with the reader but falls short I find. There is some great work in there though; I have to have another look at this later and give some more detail.