Resignation

[Violent_Bill]

Here's a nice simple one I wrote today, I believe I will make it longer but tell me what you think of what I have now. Crit for crit.

Overhead, the bridge, it falls
The cars come tumbling down
And underground, the pipes, they crack
And flood our little town

I would think that you would thank the stars
For our normality
But you regard our lives as something
Less than being free

Oh and all the rulers, all our kings
Were shot for being great
And all the street scum and the dealers
Starved and died away

But we would live forevermore
On our middle ground
If all your plans of better paths
Had never pulled us down

[gregulus]

I'm unsure about the second line in the second quatrain. The way I read it, the word normality didn't seem to fit the rhythm very well.

[sjada]

Like you said, its simple, but that doesn't necessarily take anything away from it. It flows pretty well and the rhyming works for me. Kind of odd I guess but it could definitly be songworthy.

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

i think your rhyme sheme is a little weak,though mine are too, i like it very much though, and it has a nice flow to it besides what was mentioned before
7/10

[Violent_Bill]

Thanks for the crits, none of you guys got anything you want done in return? I'm gonna go crit a couple anyway, don't want to be a freeloader :p

[_Cloud_]

Overhead, the bridge, it falls
The cars come tumbling down
And underground, the pipes, they crack
And flood our little town

This flows really well.

I would think that you would thank the stars
For our normality
But you regard our lives as something
Less than being free

I agree with gregulus, about how the 2nd line doesn't fit well.

Oh and all the rulers, all our kings
Were shot for being great
And all the street scum and the dealers
Starved and died away

But we would live forevermore
On our middle ground
If all your plans of better paths
Had never pulled us down

I mostly like the ending. Some parts don't really flow as well as others. I would say that this has potential to become a good song, after a fixing the few flowing problems. 6/10

[Violent_Bill]

Thanks, in regards to complaints about "normality" I can assure you it flows fine when sung to the tune I have this going to so I'm more concerned about the word's meaning and conotations fitting with the rest of the song. If that was the reason it was brought up though, then I will definatly consider editing it out.