The tragedy?

[LittlePound]

ok. It's easier for me to write new things and keep your tips in mind rather than try to go back and rewrite the ideas i had before so here's my third attempt. In this one i tried to stay away from being so simple, less cleche, not as reptitive, and i tried saying something without actually saying it.Those were you're comments about my last two so here's my third attempt

verse 1
This building that is me
Crumbels to ashes as it burns, burns, burns
Spilling the contents on the floor and i look at the sky
it was the limit before it all came crashing down

verse 2
That Feeling that was ours
Died when last month passed us by, bye, bye
Leaving hours of our wasted time to plague my thoughts
with their caustic* words eating me alive
*or bitter,haven't decided which

chorus
This isn't what i planned
Not how it's supposed to be
This is not what i wrote
when i put my life on paper

verse 3
This world that is wrecked
Continues to Write itself wrong, wrong wrong
Effecting everything i wrote for all of us, and me
This story needs rewriting, becuase we're falling in
I plan on changing this above line, and probably the whole verse, somehow

chorus
This isn't what I planned
Not how it's supposed to be
This is not what i wrote
when i put my life on paper

Bridge (I might extend it)
What happened to my fairy tale
Where everything turns out the best for me?
What happened to the script i wrote
where everything works for my better?

and then the chorus part again.

[DeadReligion]

Say hello to my little friend. The Black dot.

[LittlePound]

bump

[FA]

*bitter.

[LittlePound]

i was thinking "bitter" but i wanted a less used word, but i do think bitter works better. Any critiques on the song, all i've gotten so far is a pointless post and a post telling me to change one word.

[FA]

Be patient, people aren't going to jump on this isntantly, the traffic is slower here.

[masada]

*crumbles

[LittlePound]

bumps again

[drumass04]

Welcome to my return; I shall call this one, 'mega-crit', though not as big as one or two I've done!

Overall this is a nice smooth read, from my first couple of read throughs you seem to have established a nice flow. There are some nice touches here and there, and there are the pitfalls, as with every piece. Anyway, on with the crit.

This building that is me
Crumbels to ashes as it burns, burns, burns
Spilling the contents on the floor and i look at the sky
it was the limit before it all came crashing down

You've got a nice idea flowing here, it isn't entirely original, but it isn't cliched so don't worry about that at all. I think in places you seem to stumble a little over the wording of your ideas.

You said that you aren't very good at changing things in a piece, and that you prefer to take peoples' advice and apply it to later pieces. For this reason I'm going to talk about some things indirectly, and just show how they link into your writing.

Often phrases and stanzas can sound a little boring to the ears of a reader because they are written in a way that can appear cliched or boring. A method in which to keep the attention of a reader is to give the writing a different perspective. Sometimes the best way to do this is to re-phrase certain phrases, put something into a different tense or change the piece from third person, to first, or second. One of my favourite methods is to re-arrange the stanza, thus creating a little more abstract view to the meaning. I think this method was first pointed out to me by Subtle, in one of my first pieces. Just changing one of these things can totally change the appearance and sound of a poem or lyric.

Let me apply some of these methods to your first stanza;

That is me crumbling to ashes,
The building as it burns, burns, burns
I look at the sky; before it all came crashing down
Spilling the contents on the floor.
It was the limit.

As you can see I have changed the tense, and also re-arranged the phrases in the stanza. To me, the meaning has stayed the same, but it is clearer and is much more easily understood. I don't know what you think, so take from it what you will.

I rather liked the repetition of 'burns', it added a rather nice effect, I'm not often a fan of repetition, but the use of a single word, rather than a phrase or stanza is very good. Especially as it is such a pivotal word.

I like the idea of 'spilling the contents on the floor' as well, I think my re-write of the stanza makes the connection between that and the 'crashing down' a little more obvious (if it was meant to be a connection of course!). Though you may want to go for a little more complex piece, in which you want to make the reader think about what they're reading.

I think that my main problem with this stanza was the last line, it seemed a little wordy to me, though a lot of the time I think that, without it actually being a true case! My only other slight problem was the use of the connective 'and' in the penultimate line of the stanza, I think it could be taken out, and the verse would sound much smoother.

As I've said, these are only suggestions, and things that could be considered. If you don't want to change anything, and you just want to carry some of the suggestions/ideas forward to another piece then go for it!


That Feeling that was ours
Died when last month passed us by, bye, bye
Leaving hours of our wasted time to plague my thoughts
with their caustic* words eating me alive

Not too many problems here for me, here are a few points to consider though;

'Leaving hours of our wasted time to plague my thoughts'-- A little wordy perhaps. Why not change the tense, as I did in my re-write of your first stanza? Though that may not work!

I also thought 'plague my thoughts' was a little trite, perhaps think of another way of saying that.

'with their caustic* words eating me alive'-- Unlike the others, I rather like the use of 'caustic'.

I believe that the second part of this verse is unnecessary. Do you really need to say 'eating me alive'? I think that if you took it away it would still make sense, and just takes away the cliche.

Then it would read like this;

'Leaving hours of our wasted time to plague my thoughts
with their caustic* words' -- Perhaps 'their' should be taken out, then it would make a little more sense. Just an afterthought!

Your use of repetition is again rather good. I particularly enjoyed the sneakiness of it this time! It's almost talking to cross purposes. The symmetry between stanzas is very well done. Good work!

I don't know if the capital F in 'Feeling' was intentional, if it wasn't I'd leave it there, it's good for a reader. If you did intend for it to be there, good work, very nice idea! Just adds that personal touch to it.


This isn't what i planned
Not how it's supposed to be
This is not what i wrote
when i put my life on paper

You come dangerously close to cliches here, you're on that border that's very difficult to stay on.

I suppose it's fairly catchy, which is what a chorus should be, however I think it is the weakest part so far. The first two verses are particularly poor, the second two, not as so, but still not too great.

I'd suggest a re-think. I can't really say much else without totally re-writing it myself! Just try and steer clear of those cliched phrases.


This world that is wrecked
Continues to Write itself wrong, wrong wrong
Effecting everything i wrote for all of us, and me
This story needs rewriting, becuase we're falling in

A nice bit of alliteration in the first verse, though I feel that the line is rather weak. I don't really like the word wrecked in poetry and lyrics, and this time it is in a particularly bad place.

Second verse is ok, though the repetition this time isn't to fantastic, 'wrong' is a little bland and meaningless, unlike the previous two. However, the reference to writing throughout the stanza links well to the chorus. Though it does seem to have appeared from nowhere, without any real purpose...

Third verse is again ok, nothing special, nothing terrible. 'for all of us and me' is rather nice, though I'm sure some people won't like it. It's that little personal touch again that makes it appealing I feel. I think 'Effecting' should be Affecting though...however I'm not entirely sure!

Fourth verse; I feel that there are too many references to write/wrote through out the stanza, that's three in three lines...over the top in my book, but I don't know about yours. Have another look at it, and decide for yourself. I'm only throwing ideas and observations around.

I also think in the final verse of the stanza that you're a little too literal with your writing, perhaps try and put a simile or metaphor in there, it will just add a little more complexity and a little more interest.


What happened to my fairy tale
Where everything turns out the best for me?
What happened to the script i wrote
where everything works for my better?

I rather like this, especially the use of rhetoric. I think you could be a little less literal, add a little obscurity to it. This would make the vagueness sing a little more (if that makes any sense to you!).

There isn't much more to say about this stanza, I like the ideas of fairy tales and scripts, I think a little imagery would be nice if you were to extend this.

I'd extend this and turn it into an outro, rather than having another chorus. I think ending a piece with questions such as those you posed here can be rather effective if pulled off in the correct manner. I can see them being spoken over soft music, or fading out with music.


Overall this isn't a bad piece, it has its highs and lows. I'd just have another look at it, and nitpick at it. If there is anything I've pointed out which you don't agree with ignore it, if you do agree with me then change it to the best of your abilities and re-post with edits :)

I hope this has helped, I changed my style throughout this, I'm kinda out of practice! Hope it makes sense!

Keep on writing, and good luck.

Timmy

[Britton]

Timmy: that was one amazing post dude. you nailed it.

[drumass04]

Haha, I wish I could write poetry and lyrics as well as I apparently crit!!

[LittlePound]

thanks dude, that was a really good crit. I'm glad you liked certain parts of it. and to answer some of the "questions" yes, i did capitalize "Feeling" for a reason, i figured by capitalizing it that it would allude to Love without actually saying it. I also personally liked the second repetition of "by, bye bye". I felt pretty much the exact same way as you did about the third verse too, thats why i put hte little footer about possibly rewriting that part. Over all, i might end up just changing this piece a little instead of moving onto the next on. It doesn't seem like the changes would be that drastic and it's my best piece so far so why not try to make it a little better. Thanks again for your crit, and is it good for my third piece?

[drumass04]

There really is no way of saying whether it's good for a third piece. I mean there are great writers who have been writing for many many years and they still write works that are not very good. It's all part of the process. Just like a complete 'beginner' to writing poetry/lyrics could write a masterpiece as their first piece and from then on they could write nothing but rubbish.

I have only been writing poetry for around 6 months, my first piece is still the best I've written. Though I have written a couple of other pieces that I've really liked, and some people around here have really liked too. However I also write huge piles of rubbish, just they don't tend to get posted :p

But yeah, it wasn't bad for a third write :p

Timmy

[LittlePound]

sweet!! Thanks again man, look forward to seeing you around these parts and the D&P section.