Blank -Sun

[Daisy_5]

I wrote this last night after listening to alot of music. I'll explain the meaning later, I want people to try and gather their own thoughts from it.

Blank -sun

Eroded and silenced by a tourniquet of appraisal,
Entrenched within the sounds of occupied space,
A voice freefalling and sweeping through an axial stare,
Merciless and dreaming slowly of serpent tongues.

Carved out of molten speech this desire to break –
To shatter every being way as if the mist; revealed
Anything that could be bought into the light
Quickly silenced with an after thought and a prayer.

A demonized syntax
Breathed out silences
Dripping with intoxication,
Red mist and porcelain,
Crashing against
Crying against

Another.

Unborn sentence left.
Jarred against cold desk,
And sold for the psychology of dreaming.

.................................................. .......

If anyone gets the meaning it'd explain some of the flow.

[Daisy_5]

Can I get any comments/Crits?

[Britton]

I don't get it...

[JasonP]

I don't have the slightest idea what it's about,
But I like it nonetheless.
Great job on writing!

[Dugan]

I'm probably wrong... But holding something inside, and not saying it?

[Dugan]

I liked it though.... Its good to leave people going, huh? How many songs have you sang along to that 99% of the people have no idea what the artist is talking about.

Very creative. Most writers should strive to be able to relate their visions like that. If you can contain them and use more understandable imagery, it would be great.

[drumass04]

Gold;

sweeping through an axial stare -- Not sure why I like it so much, but it sounds fantastic and the imagery is kinda cool.

Merciless and dreaming slowly -- Beautiful writing, pity to follow it up with 'serpent tongues', it makes it a little too trite for my liking.

Dirt;

Crashing against
Crying against -- This really did not get me into the raptures that I'd come to expect from the previous stanzas. Probably the weakest part of the piece.


I can't say I can find a particularly strong theme or storyline behind it, apart from the trying to hide something blabla. I'm sure there is something more complex in there though.

Some of your language is used rather well, while in places you tended to become a little verbose for many peoples liking. The imagery that you create when your vocabulary is right is beautiful though. Just be careful of those cliches, as they tended to creep in a little too easily in palces.

There is a very sharp and tense sound and feel to the piece and I'm guessing that that was done purposefully to help transfer the storyline, maybe not though.

Whatever the case it's an ok piece. There are a couple of bits which I really enjoyed, and some bits that weren't as good. The majority was mediocre, let down by the over use of complex vocabulary I think.

Good luck, and keep on writing!

Timmy

[slowgunner]

I couldn't put my finger on this until Drumass's comments. Complex vocabulary is the problem!

[EmergencyRoom]

Eroded and silenced by a tourniquet of appraisal,
Entrenched within the sounds of occupied space,
A voice freefalling and sweeping through an axial stare,
Merciless and dreaming slowly of serpent tongues.

I don't see this as a song, more of a poem, but i suppose as with most things it could work with a great delivery and the right music. The thing that sticks out to me is the "dreaming slowly" phrase. It doesn't really go together. Can you dream slowly? It's so abstract it doesn't make sense. The first three lines, however, are filled with nice imagery and ideas. The first two especially are really quite clever at saying what they do. The stanza does suffer from a lack of rhythm, something i'm a big fan of. The rhythm and flow of a piece can change a good piece to a great one. As for meaning, i get that it's about someone in a crowd who people won't listen to, a voice of truth that wants to be heard. The crowd, or society possibly, would rather listen to lies than the voice of truth (serpent tongues). Either that or i'm way off.:p


Carved out of molten speech this desire to break –
To shatter every being way as if the mist; revealed
Anything that could be bought into the light
Quickly silenced with an after thought and a prayer.

I'm getting the same meaning again so maybe i am right. First line is very clever again, well worded and very imagery rich. Second line is a little confusing in it's structure and wording ("being way" in particular). The last line would make more sense if it was "without an afterthought" in my eyes. Again you could maybe work on how it flows to improve it.


A demonized syntax
Breathed out silences
Dripping with intoxication,
Red mist and porcelain,
Crashing against
Crying against

Another.

Unborn sentence left.
Jarred against cold desk,
And sold for the psychology of dreaming.


This whole part is a cut above the rest of the piece. It's well worded and flows well. The rhythm is definite. Thematically this part makes me think that the whole thing is about trying to write abput something. It has a "writers block" kind of theme, and this makes better sense of the first two stanzas. The last three lines are excelllent and the best part of the whole piece. If you can make the first two parts flow like the last one then this would be a ten.

7/10

If i'm wrong about the themes and meaning then that's great too because it could have different meanings to different people. Ambiguity is a great quality to have when writing. Making people think is always a main goal of any type of writing and this definitely does that.

[slack]

I don't like any of it, to be honest. The grammar is really awful and the piece is just overwritten in general.

[Daisy_5]

Thanks for all the comments.
I better explain the theme;
It's about a drunken argument. Like the kind that are completely incoherent but still cause tempers to fray.
That's why I chose an indeffinite rythm for it.

I don't like any of it, to be honest. The grammar is really awful and the piece is just overwritten in general.

Care to elaborate?

[slack]

Care to elaborate?Kind of hard to do, actually. I just know it when I see it.

I noticed you explained the theme. Good thing, because none of it came through for me. Essentially, the reason I think it's overwritten is because you never really say what you mean in an accessible way. The descriptions tend to be lofty and long-winded and while there's alot of neat wordplay (axial stare/serpent tongues), none of it ever really comes together to form a cohesive, understandable whole. Every line feels like it's trying to be a work of art, and they're all competing against each other.

Just look at the first stanza for an example of bad grammar. The subject is not clear until the third line (a voice), and then the sentence never really feels like it finishes. I'm not talking about fixing misplaced commas and **** like that. The sentences could be arranged better so it's easier to understand what subject certain words are referring to.

[sjada]

All I can think of say is that I thought it was pretty good and it goes with the theme.