kids

[slack]

As kids we used to play like syringes

The family's finally here, they brought you balloons,
sharp paper cards with fuzzy red hearts,
and the most perfect flowers to fill out the room
(to kill out the mood). Mom says it's going to be
a beautiful day, oh, but what does she know anyway.
"You should be smiling" the way the sun must be smiling
on the kids in the yard playing kickball for Christ.
Someday, girl, someday you'll be strong enough
to burn with the best of them.

You look like a prune, so shriveled and cute.
Sleepytime now. You're so beautiful and pure.
You're gonna be new, girl, I swear.

The day is young. We look so healthy
and strong burning alive in its beautiful light.
Labored hands are hesitant, but who could resist
brushing gently through your tangled hair,
twirling stray wisps. Should I say anything at all
or just sit here and listen. Spidery fingers interlace
while the plastic web glistens.

Maybe someday you'll hear my words in your soft head.
Maybe someday you'll hear the timbre of my voice,
and how it trembles for you like a forest before the fire.

[TojesDolan]

I'm always in for a challenging new form of poetry. This one is pretty good. I like how it flows incessantly, and there's nothing really that stops the way it develops.

The lack of punctuation marks can be detrimental, but certainly not a decisive factor when it comes to the way it works overall. The setting is actually quiet familiar, seems like anyone's afternoon with the family. Nothing really to pick on, it's a great piece overall.

[slack]

Yeah, I didn't think it was such a big deal or inventive to write this way, but apparently there was a big fuss about it in the thread I posted yesterday. Anyway, there's a formatted version in the lyrical challenges. I'll probably get my *** handed to me, but whatever. :)

Thanks, though. I'll post a little blurb on your work (is it still on the front page?) sometime today. 24 is on in like fifteen minutes. :cool:

[TojesDolan]

Nope it has faded into the hole in the second page. :-0

[Daisy_5]

Yeah this was interesting. I think a lack of punctuation makes it seem more like a thought process, which works well with this. Can't really find anything bad to say.
great work :)

[slack]

There. I changed the format. Maybe more people will actually read and comment on it. Thanks Tojes & Daisy.

[-:Vincent:-]

This is a good piece with lots of strong imagery in it.The only things I might change are: The second stanza, its seems that theres no flow, but maybe that is just the way I read it and also, the title could be better...