The American Mess

[Speedster1022]

Ok, i've had trouble writing ANYTHING for a while now, so i decided to go back to basics and write a simple song. It needs a little fine tuning as I just wrote it at work in a few minutes. Any suggestions/crits on how to improve it are welcome.

The American Mess

He lays her down
And she don’t care
Another one night stand
But she’s got an hour to spare

Two hours gone by
No one in sight
Disregard the eerie shadows
Cast by street lights

If Sex sells, she’s on her way
Remembers her pills ever day
Ripped garments and a tattered dress
She’s gotta’ be the American mess

One more drink
One for the road
She’s got to get home
Before her parents explode

She’s on his bed
For a little play
16 with 2 kids and
Another one on the way

If Sex sells, she’s on her way
Remembers her pills ever day
Ripped garments and a tattered dress
She’s gotta’ be the American mess

She flaunts her stuff
Like she don’t care
One more man, just
One more affair

One more, just one more...

[days_of_fire]

Damn... this one is hard to crit, it's such a good song. It works all around. That's a hit song dude. All it needs are really good instrumentals. Whatever trouble you had just got smacked in the face here. Good job.

[kaos]

Very good. One thing I don't like is that it sounds as if your talking down to all american wemon. I think the use of the word "and" in "And she don't care" kinda takes a little focous away from it. You could really get signed with some wikked instraments behind this. Maybe a throbbing bass line, with a lotta drums and very little guitar. But thats beside the point. This is a killer song, one of the best I've seen in a while.

[DeadReligion]

Take out the very last line. Other than that, it isn't bad. The rhyme scheme is crappy though. 7/10.

[Magnus55]

She’s on his bed
For a little play
16 with 2 kids and
Another one on the way

If Sex sells, she’s on her way
Remembers her pills ever day
Ripped garments and a tattered dress
She’s gotta’ be the American mess

I don't like the repeat of way in the verse and the chorus. Other than that, I thought it was great.

[Speedster1022]

I think the use of the word "and" in "And she don't care" kinda takes a little focous away from it. .

Yeah, the last part needs a little bit of work in all. I'm gonna try to go through and revise that one later.

Maybe a throbbing bass line, with a lotta drums and very little guitar. But thats beside the point. This is a killer song, one of the best I've seen in a while.

As for the music, that's exactly what i was thinking, a little guitar in the background with mostly drums and bass bringing it out.

[gregulus]

Keep the insturmentals simple as well to match the lyrics of the song. Simple chord progression and simple beat.