White Walls:Red Mattress

[-:Vincent:-]

I wrote this one quickly...too quickly. I like the idea of stuff happening in an emergency room and all, but it needs lots of work, and it is unfinished. Help is greatly appreciated. Thanks

no impatience amongst these patients
only an impending sense of dread
the rush of white walls all around
when your face down on the bed

at least you didn't have to wait in line...

watching them, wheel him in
the white masked men stood ready
holding back, as they begin
thier impecable inspection

through all the looks of worry
and all of panics sounds
one prominent feature stood out
the beeping, with its ups and downs

hurry doctor, hurry
this patients pulse is fading
following down a steep slope
to land on the flat horizon

with his foot down on the pedal
you flew outside of the car
no injuries in appearance
only a fragmented crystal as a scar
bright light overtook you then
changing into brilliant black
for that second that they brought you back
as they stood over the bed, expressions austere
remember them saying: clear! clear! clear...

with no more incentive but his life
the white masked men sighed
"were sorry for you"
was all they could say
"were sorry for you"
was all we could say

[days_of_fire]

no impatience amongst these
only an impending sense of dread
the rush of white walls all around
when your face down on the bed

okay, I like this verse, but the first line is too vague. maybe...

no impatience amongst these masked men of white
only an impending sense of dread
the rush of white walls all around
when your face down on the bed

That's the only thing I can think of for that whole verse. Really, it's only for the imagery and it tightens up the first verse.

at least you didn't have to wait in line...

Do NOT touch this. This rocks.

hurry doctor, hurry
this pateints pulse is fading
rolling down a steep slope
and riding on to the flat horizon

Okay, this one is a bit off to me only because you had the rhyme in the first verse and it's gone here. I like consistancy... but that's just me. I only changes that one part because in song writing, you really don't need to switch around words if you don't need to. And the melody I was thinking for it had room for the change. But again, it's a personal thing.

stand back, and clear!
stand back, and clear!
stand back, and clear...

Okay, this part isn't so hot. I'm not liking this at all. It's just that it seems rushed and forced. Like just that part took way longer to think of than the rest of the song and was overthought. But on a second read, I really can't think of anything else to put there.

Overall, I thought it was a good song, or idea, just with a couple scuffs to polish.

[-:Vincent:-]

Yeah, I like the idea of the second verse, but I completley agree with you that it has no flow, and I should probably make it rhyme to match the first verse. I'm still planning on adding at least two more verses, and maybe a bridge. "Stand back, and clear!" is supposed to be the outro of the song (and of course its screamed). As for the first line, it can be stronger, I was reffering to the pateints of the E.R.

[Daisy_5]

no impatience amongst these
only an impending sense of dread
the rush of white walls all around
when your face down on the bed

I'm not sure if the first line should be there, it's far to vauge and it just makes me wonder why it's there when you're talking about an E.R. especially considering waiting times. I know what you're getting at though, I just think you need to word it better.
Second line confuses me within the context of the verse, You say "face down on the bed", which to me means that the person is more than likely unconcious. So the sense of dread doesn't really correspond well with the rest of it. I'd say crack out the old thesaurus and find a better word instead of dread too, dread doesn't sound dramatic enough.


at least you didn't have to wait in line...

I like that line, sort of ironic in a twisted way. Brings some black comedy into the piece, which fits in well with the whole ethos of an E.R.


hurry doctor, hurry
this patients fading pulse
rolling down a steep slope
and riding on to the flat horizon

First line's ok, I think you need something between the break and this verse because you're jumping to quickley from one thing to another. 2nd and 3rd lines, They don't work together, there's no grammar to make them connect, I just get 2 different wordings of the same thing. Finally the last line, I like it, it ties in flatlining which as we all know is a bad thing to happen in an E.R.

stand back, and clear!
stand back, and clear!
stand back, and clear...


In the context of a song this would work well as an ending but as a poem it doesn't end it well. I know this is intended for a song anyway so it's not important. Not a brilliant way to end it, not a bad way either.

[-:Vincent:-]

Ok, I added lot's of stuff that once again, I like the ideas but I don't like how its written. The ending I just stuck on there but its just an idea, it needs to be added to, or worded differently, but I'm not sure how. Most of this song is screamed too.

[_Cloud_]

no impatience amongst these patients
only an impending sense of dread
the rush of white walls all around
when your face down on the bed

I'm not sure if I like the repetition of "impatience" and "patients" in the first line, but it's not a bad way to start off the song. And I don't undestand how you can see 'the rush of white walls' when you are 'face down on the bed'. Other than that it is a nice verse.

at least you didn't have to wait in line...

As the others have mentioned before, I wouldn't change this line. It serves well as a break in the song, and makes you want to keep reading.

watching them, wheel him in
the white masked men stood ready
holding back, as they begin
thier impecable inspection

The first line is excellent, and flows well. The rest of it is alright, but the last line is weak, and makes the stanza fall apart.

through all the looks of worry
and all of panics sounds
the beeping was the most prominent
even more so, when it began to slow

The first two lines are good, I wouldn't change them, but personally I would consider getting rid of the last ones. You might want to try re-wording them as well.

hurry doctor, hurry
this patients pulse is fading
following down a steep slope
to land on the flat horizon

I have no problems with this verse, the flow could be better, but seeing as this song is meant to be screamed its good.

with his foot down on the pedal
you flew outside of the car
no injuries in appearance
only a fragmented crystal as a scar
bright light overtook you then
changing into brilliant black
for that second that they brought you back
as they stood over the bed like vultures
remember them saying: clear! clear! clear...

This is a really nice stanza, however the rhyme of "car" and "scar" seems to be forced. The "as they stood over the bed like vultures" kind of ruined this verse for me, I would recommend comparing the doctors to something other than 'vultrues' as it is overused. The last line is a good way to end this stanza.

with no more incentive but his life
the white masked men sighed
"were sorry for you"
was all they could say

I know you mentioned earlier that this was just an idea, and it is a good one, but it really could use some work to develop your thoughts.

Overall, this is a good song but needs some work. 7/10 good job!:thumb:

[-:Vincent:-]

Basically all the stanzas from "through all the looks of worry..." need lots of work, I'm not so satisfied with them.

[-:Vincent:-]

:Bump: (1,000th post :D)

[JasonP]

I liked it, alot!
Great originality and good lines.
Nice piece!

[-:Vincent:-]

Thanks, I made some more small changes to it (repeating at the end), and I think its looking better now.

[sjada]

Really cool, original idea. I loved the sound and bits of alliteration in the beginning. It might sound cool to do some of the less structured parts in a more unorthodox way if you put it to music. Cool song though!

[-:Vincent:-]

I'm sure by the time I put this to music it will change a lot.

[Dugan]

I have read it about 3 times now. These are the types of songs I have a hard time criticizing. So I will just say that I like it. Very good, and very descriptive.

[_Cloud_]

The changes you made are good. Keep up the good writing.

[-:Vincent:-]

Thanks, I changed some more stuff cause my band is trying to put it to music.

[tytothebenj]

Thanks, I changed some more stuff cause my band is trying to put it to music.
Huh?

[jamesderby]

Huh?
What band?

[jamesderby]

I just have to post this sorry.
It made me laugh.
I hate this band.

E.R. Drop Dead, Gorgeous lyrics
Artist: Drop Dead, Gorgeous
Album: In Vogue
Year: 2006
Title: E.R.

You wont have to wait in line
watch them wheel her in
all she can see is white
face down on the mattress
hurry doctor young, wont want to miss the party
ankle films are back on cupid
a singing telegram slipped on some ice
we need a doc in radiology
inject an IV contrast
a patient named jones
BP's 50 over 70, BP's 90 over 50
pulse is 120
Pupils fixed and dialated she's beginning to flat line
shes not going to make it
i can feel your heart stop
charge the paddles to 15: CLEAR
we need a bandage to stop the bleeding

[jamesderby]

Hahaha!!!

[tytothebenj]

Haha!