An Abyss Known as Home

[sexymuffin]

So I wrote this for my last band a little while ago and I've always been fond of it.

The only part that I don't like in retrospect is the first line of the chorus. Other then that I'm kind of happy with it but would appreciate any critique/comments.

An Abyss Known As Home

Frigid fingers graze past frigid things
And other entities this sub-zero moment brings
What am I to do with all these shapes?

I found myself again
Staring in this opaque
Well that I am in
Surrounded by all these shapes
The darkest shade of midnight
They shroud around my pupils
Allowing me the insight
That floating here fulfills
And deeper I fall in this tomb
That deeply resides in my wounds
The depth I plunge in has no bounds
While praying that I’m never found

Frigid fingers graze past frigid things
And other entities this sub-zero moment brings
What am I to do with all these shapes?

How did I end up here?
The rhetorical with which I muse
But not too sincere
‘Cause now I’ve nothing to lose
And finding my way home
Has started to lose its appeal
With every passing second of escapism I feel
I’ve sold my absolution to fund
My ever-growing perversions
At least in here my mind is sound
While praying that I’m never found

Frigid fingers graze past frigid things
And other entities this sub-zero moment brings
What am I to do with all these shapes?

Sifting through the void and finding my self (4x)

(interlude/solo)

Frigid fingers graze past frigid things
And other entities this subzero moment brings
What am I to do with all these shapes?


So yeah, that's it. Comment away.

[sexymuffin]

wtf bump

[CrazyYetRefined]

"The depth I plunge in has no bounds"

Dont really like that line.

[TojesDolan]

The first stanza doe nothing really for me, the core of it feels a bit dull and pointless. I'd switch the first and second stanzas (the larger units of writing) because that line certainly worked better in my head if put afterwards. It needs a bit of work because the repetition of "frigid" despite being intentional, can come up and seem amateurish.

Or erasing it, whatsoever. :-/ Sorry, didn't read it as a chorus, heh.

The first verse is very good, I liked it. I don't like the "rhyming" or the attempt at it, it works in a very simplistic level, but completely unnecesary and can be taken away without affecting the rest of the stanza.

Eh, the second verse starts weakly, but I guess it serves a purpose. I'd try and put more attention to this hollow space you are in, and give extra attention to the sorroundings and how they affect the way you see things, since from what I read it's not even a real hollow space, but some sort of prison-of-real-life.

It has some great lines here and there, but work on the empty spaces, and add some more moments of tension. :)