The Burning Brightside

[-:Vincent:-]

I don't think this is that great, any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

were all in this for the drama
when words work as tools
and the tongue becomes
a loaded gun, in my hand
we need to know when to stop
somethings wrong with all of this
red lines on a black background
to take the time and say its right
something is wrong with all of us

but your soft eyes are perfectly circular
and no one could resist...

the flaws in your features; are nonexistant
there are no defects in your shining face
i can't compare to you
i'll tell you what, your so bright
you reflect all my mistakes

and from here it looks so
(the painted wall, so dull)
beautiful, as if i could touch
(the paint as it scraps off)
i don't usually say this but
things are looking good
things are looking so good
and now i'm almost finished
perching on a delicate line
and if one thing goes wrong...
well then theres always
the burning brightside
to look forward to!

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

ill crit later

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

i hate to use that same old saying, but this is very cliche

i'll be around for long

your soft eyes
are perfectly circular
and no one could resist
you might want to change your pronouns around here. i would also change i'll take a few short breathsto watch you take a few short breathes. i dont konw how you want the song to go but ithink that might sound pretty good
the cracks in your features
are nonexistent
i'll tell you what
your so bright
you refleclt all my mistakes
i like your idea here, but you might want to change the flow a little bit, like switch some lines around and see if it makes sense
and from here it looks so
(the painted wall, so dull)
beautiful, as if i could touch
(the paint as it scraps off)
i don't usually say this but
things are looking good
things are looking so good
and now i'm almost finished
perching on a delicate line
and if one thing goes wrong...
well then theres always
the burning brightside
to look forward to!i like this part the best, and i like how your telling 2 stories at once. very good here
for its clicheiness (dont know if thats a real word) its not bad how you changed it up in the last satnza. 5/10


p.s. crit mine http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=472274

[-:Vincent:-]

Yeah, I don't much like the first verse and how it starts off, I think this song should be a lot longer though too, thanks for the crit, i'll see what i can do with yours.

[days_of_fire]

Well, I like it, but the flow is a little off IMO and it could be a bit longer. As for the flow... gimme a bit to figure out exactly what's bugging me and I'll get back to it asap.

[-:Vincent:-]

Alright, I just added a whole new intro, and i changed a few things up. It still needs lots of work I think, so any suggestions would help.

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

i like the new stuff. very good

[days_of_fire]

I don't think this is that great, any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

were all in this for the drama
when words work as tools
and the tongue becomes
a loaded gun, in my hand
we need to know when to stop
somethings wrong with all of this
red lines on a black background
to take the time and say its right
something is wrong with all of us

but your soft eyes are perfectly circular
and no one could resist...

the cracks in your features; are nonexistant
i'll tell you what, your so bright
you reflect all my mistakes

This part can be extended to make a fuller, fonger and all around better verse, unless you want that to be a chorus, then the verse above it can either be worked into this one, or you could just extend that verse.

and from here it looks so
(the painted wall, so dull)
beautiful, as if i could touch
(the paint as it scraps off)
i don't usually say this but
things are looking good
things are looking so good
and now i'm almost finished
perching on a delicate line
and if one thing goes wrong...
well then theres always
the burning brightside
to look forward to!

For the most part, that intro made the song SO much better. Just the little thing I commented on is the only thing bugging me a the moment.

[-:Vincent:-]

Yeah I'll work on exapnding that verse then.

[-:Vincent:-]

I added two more lines to that verse, I like them because its just emphasizing my point more, but i'm not sure if it does it.

[days_of_fire]

the cracks in your features; are nonexistant
the flaws of your shining face
have yet to be seen by me
i'll tell you what, your so bright
you reflect all my mistakes

Maybe...

the flaws in your features; are nonexistant
there are no defects in your shining face
I can't compare to you
i'll tell you what, your so bright
you bring to light all my mistakes

Just a suggestion.

[-:Vincent:-]

Yeah, that sounds good, cause the flaws and the features makes alliteration. I think i'm gonna keep 'reflect' though, but thanks so much for the help.

[days_of_fire]

No prob.

[DeadReligion]

Your anguish sustains me, my little emo friend. Hah, just kidding.

The beginning is weird. Your tongue is in your hand? Did you cut it out? You know, I hear that's unhealthy. Because then you can't swallow. The use of eyes is, dare I say, cliche? Yup. I Dare say it. Try and stop me.

The whole thing, to be honest, is just a cliche. Also, it seems very...I don't know the word, actually. Hah, a poet without words...talk about a ****ing cliche. My advice is to expand your vocabulary. Not hard really, I actually learned a lot just from listening to Bad Religion. Then was inspired and yes, I studied the dictionary. Just don't look up a word, use it, and not know it if someone asks you what it means. It's embarrasing. Anyway, that'll help with the other things this needs, metaphors, symbolism, imagery. Also, try to use things like assonance, consonance, alliteration. Also, while using symbolism, make sure that your reader will still be able to get it, don't use symbolism only you [and perhaps a select few] will understand. And while using imagery, don't get so caught up in it, you forget to advance the plot. Then it's like "Great imagery...what the hell is this about?" Then again, if it is a poem only about an image/scene that means a lot to you, it's fine, but if there is a plot there, you need to make sure you advance it. Oh, flaws and features aren't much of an alliteration. Burning brightside is something of an alliteration, sounds cool too. That's all I've got on this. 5/10.

[-:Vincent:-]

Ok, well I made it "and the tongue becomes like a gun, in my hand" theres a simile for you. As for vocabulary, I'm not trying to write so i can put in lots of metaphors and symbolism and big words, I'm writing something that is meant to be put to music, not to be recited as a poem.

[DeadReligion]

Metaphors, symbolism and big words aren't only for poems. And it doesn't have to be full of it, but a little doesn't hurt, and this needs imagery, needs it. It becomes too bland without a little of that.

[-:Vincent:-]

I think it already has a small amount of all of those things, but do you have any suggestions of something i could symbolize. Oh, I forgot to mention as with most of my songs half of these lyrics are meant to be screamed.

[DeliriouS :]

Take the 'like' out of the third line so it's now:

and the tongue becomes
a loaded gun, in my hand

:)

[TojesDolan]

Pretty cliché as it has been said before. There's no real manifestation i nhere that makes me feel related to you, because unfortunately I've already been through taht self-destructive stage in my life, and I don't expect to go back there again.

I can relate to the old ways, nonetheless, there's no use in domaking this situation so evident. There are ways to put the angst and the whole deal without making it obvious. There's a fine line between obvious and extremely personal, and that's what makes writing so fun. Try to blur those lines.