Force

[DeadReligion]

The edited version, chaps.

Force

A serene scene as I lay on the ocean floating around.
A pretty painting, a moving painting.
Painted with thin brushes, for detail,
With exquisite watercolors.

Carry me, sweet ocean. Carry me on your sweet blue waves.
Carry me as I lay upon your wavy surface.
Don’t push that hard. This isn’t no longer serene scene.
What are you doing? This is becoming painful, aggressive force.

But now you’ve lost your beauty, with angry force.
Force that punctures the mind, force that ruins individuality.
You keep pushing me where I do not want to go.
A lack of serenity, its place taken by dispassion and aggression.

O, ugly ocean, you remind me of some boys I know.
Pushing others into scenarios of increasing danger
Without any thought of consequence.
Pressure pressing down, as if you were someone’s ears in a plane.

O, terrible ocean, **** you.
For you are destroying me with conformist rhetoric.
Please don’t make me a part of this.
I don’t want to be the one who overdoses this time.

O, murderous ocean, this is my final word.
Leave me be in what serenity I have.
Before you decide it’s my turn to die.
Your imaginary gun to my head means nothing.
Charlatans posing, poised to destroy, what matters the least.
Reputation lost, a life gained.
When it is all done, at least I’ll have my ****ing soul.

[sandsoftime]

Force
<whats up buddy, its been awhile...lets see how this is>

Carry me, sweet ocean. Carry me on your sweet blue waves.
But now you’ve lost your beauty, with angry force.
Force that punctures the mind, force that ruins individuality.
You keep pushing me where I do not want to go.
A lack of serenity, its place taken by dispassion and aggression.
<in my opinion the mood of this entire poem changes much to early...more calm and awstruck peace needs to first be shown to give a better sense of serenity before it is swept away by the tides of popularity. maybe an entire verse><this verse actualy sums up the entire poem...an force...played beautifuly by the ocean...is taking you into its symbiotic society>

O, ugly ocean, you remind me of some boys I know.
Pushing others into scenarios of increasing danger
Without any thought of consequence.
Pressure pressing down, as if you were someone’s ears in a plane.
<this shows the peer-pressure aspect well...but it could be so much more personal... it seems you are a bystander in this verse...put yourself in the path of the boys...such as
"you remind me of my so called friends
pushing me into scenarios of increasing danger..."
Much more personal...plus it fits with the tense of the rest of the poem better this way...just an example>

O, terrible ocean, **** you.
For you are destroying me with conformist rhetoric.
Please don’t make me a part of this.
I don’t want to be the one who overdoses this time.
<all very good...the only thing is the overdose brings in a drug reference...i find it to be missplaced...you are drowning in conformity not overdosing on it...stick to the metaphore>

O, murderous ocean, this is my final word.
Leave me be in what serenity I have.
Before it’s my turn to die.
The gun to my head means nothing.
Charlatans posing, poised to destroy, what matters the least.
Reputation lost, a life gained.
When it is all done, at least I'll still have my ****ing soul.
<and the end...i find no falt with the ending...an excillent job>
<my new song can't stand up to this but i'd love to hear what you think>

[TojesDolan]

Well written. The angst against this... ominous force of the ocean is very well taken, but lacks a lot of work underneath. A certain evolution in the way you describe the ocean and what's going on is mandatory, but it needs to be etra remarked and very, very evident how it changes. I'm not that cool with sweating, but this one's OK. Shows extra anger.

A lot of working in how it should go, I guess.

[DeadReligion]

The overdose was referring to peer pressure to do drugs/alcohol.

[DeadReligion]

2nd draft is done.

[RollerQueen]

Say hello to the black dot.

[DeadReligion]

Bump. C'mon people.

[-:Vincent:-]

Well, I'd crit this, but I'm not sure if my puny vocabulary is worthy of it. I can say that I liked it and enjoyed reading it, although the curse words seemed kind of out of place in this song.

[Speedster1022]

I agree with Vincent, the curse words seem really out of place. The piece is written really well, but when you get to ocean, **** you, it just seems kinda immature and out of place. With your writing skill i'm sure you can find a better way to say that.