Tracing

[matthew121]

Tracing

I'm tracing shapes of clouds that shade
The distant machines that fail to fade
To photograph and frame whats drawn
Will help remind me of a world once pure

The view from my window is so surreal
The earth encased in a clay-sky seal
But one mistake and the sky will fall
It breaks up, breaks down and it breaks us all

Bombs drop, the world stops
We all fall down

Stomachs tied tight till you hear them snapping
Like elastic caught between our hands clapping
At the destruction and death that we have caused
Chilling, so distilling, there's reason to pause
So pause

Pause and stop now, stop before the well runs dry
Inevitablity doesn't know the meaning of compromise
There is still time, just don't wait for the clock
To run and run until your lapped and then locked
Inside a bubble of your own creating
Air running out, you should of stopped waiting

Bombs drop, the world stops
We all fall down

Could of been so different...


All I got so far, not finished, just put up for your thoughts, so thoughts please. Crit for crit, promised. And incase you couldn't tell it's about the danger that rich countries provide to other countries and to themselves, it's not an anti-Bush or anti-America song. Thanks for reading and thankyou very much if you crit, it will be appreciated and returned.

-Matthew

[Agrim]

Tracing

[I]I'm tracing shapes of clouds that shade
The distant machines that fail to fade
To photograph and frame whats drawn
Will help remind me of a world once pure
I really like the rhythm and flow in this part. Reminds me a lot of my own writing style. The first 2 lines are fantastic. The 2nd two are okay... call me old-fashioned but I really wanted that last line to rhyme. I mean the rhythm was too good to stop it at the last word!?

The view from my window is so surreal
The earth encased in a clay-sky seal
But one mistake and the sky will fall
It breaks up, breaks down and it breaks us all
Again, awesome rythme and rhyme. I really liked "clay-sky seal", good imagery there. You have that ability to rhyme words within the sentences to the same rythme... like encased and mistake. I'm a sucker for that **** and try to do that as often as I can in my own writing. In fact, not many people do that. "Breaks up, breaks down, and breaks us all" is almost so cliche' it works. Hard to explain, I just liked it.

Bombs drop, the world stops
We all fall down I chuckled at that one. When you've got an AAB rhyme it makes that last B line stand out all the more. And when it's important, it's classic. Nice job.

Stomachs tied tight till you hear them snapping
Like elastic caught between our hands clapping
At the destruction and death that we have caused
Chilling, so distilling, there's reason to pause
So pause And this is where I think it starts to fall apart. Sounds too desperate, like you're starting to reach for idea to finish it up. I liked the first 2 lines, they were great. But destruction and death are too overused. Chilling and distilling are a stretch. And the last line I think is just too melodramatic.

Pause and stop now, stop before the well runs dry
Inevitablity doesn't know the meaning of compromise
There is still time, just don't wait for the clock
To run and run until your lapped and then locked
Inside a bubble of your own creating
Air running out, you should of stopped waiting
I like the rythme of it, but somehow it's lost it's luster. "There is still time" and "run and run" i think could stand to be replaced with lines more creative and poetic to suite this song.

Bombs drop, the world stops
We all fall down

Could of been so different...I think it would almost hit harder if you just ended it with "We all fall down". But that's just me.

Overall I really enjoyed it. Better than most of the stuff I read on here, seriously. Just a few things that could use a little more thought, readjusted and such. I'd give it an 8/10.


http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=472577 Give mine a critique, I think we have a similiar writing style.

[matthew121]

Wow, thanks thats an extrememly helpful crit, I get on to yours later today.

[Minus The Flair]

Any more? (this is matthew121, under new name)

[Minus The Flair]

last bump

[imselotape]

sorry