Untitled.. (crit for crit)

[Agrim]

He told me to imagine
A mind unlike my own,
Taken out of context
And milked to the bone.

If you lose yourself, he told me,
Scream and claw your way out.
The echoes' sound will come more and quick between.
Untill you can hear your voice again.

Easier to imagine than it is to explain, he said,
Forgetting yourself, that is.
But when it comes, it comes in waves
Till colors glow and patterns fade.

Bound in a state of dreaming.
Gone, but not sleeping.
Scared and calm, lost and found,
Curious but content.
Time stops and thoughts slow,
Untill there's nothing left.

And the last thought you'll have here,
Is the wish to stay forever.

Till it all comes flooding back to you now,
Bite your lip and close your eyes.
Your ears will hear bells ringing
And you'll see nothing but blotches of scarlet black.

Shivering from the sudden change,
Questioning where you've been.
You'll look around to affirm yourself,
And wonder where you went.

[Agrim]

Any critiques would be greatly appreciated.

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

ill crit this a little later

[Mitch2oo6]

Okies, so lets try this whole crit business again...

He told me to imagine
A mind unlike my own,
Taken out of context
And milked to the bone.

I think this a fairly good way to open your piece. For one, it caught my attention, and I liked the own/bone rhyme. Had good rhythm, and it was over all solid.

If you lose yourself, he told me,
Scream and claw your way out.
The echoes' sound will come more and quick between.
Untill you can hear your voice again.

Eh, I didnt understand it. The third line throws me off completely. I think you've tried to be to wordy perhaps, and lost yourself in what your trying to say. Just make it more simple.

Easier to imagine than it is to explain, he said,
Forgetting yourself, that is.
But when it comes, it comes in waves
Till colors glow and patterns fade.

This is a better stanza. In fact, the first two lines are brilliant. They connect really well, and what you've said is completely and utterly true. I for one can relate to it, with relatives suffering Alchiezemers(sp?) etc. The next two are not as good, but still not to bad at all. The last line is top stuff to :)

Bound in a state of dreaming.
Gone, but not sleeping.
Scared and calm, lost and found,
Curious but content.
Time stops and thoughts slow,
Untill there's nothing left.

Man you've got a roller coaster style of writing. This is killer stuff, really, I loved it.Your metaphor in the first two lines was awesome, as was the scared and calm, lost and found comparison. Great stuff. The last three lines were a little trite, but never mind.

And the last thought you'll have here,
Is the wish to stay forever.

That was cool.

Till it all comes flooding back to you now,
Bite your lip and close your eyes.
Your ears will hear bells ringing
And you'll see nothing but blotches of scarlet black.

Meh, to me this was a little cliche. And the first line is a very sudden change in mood, which could be good if you used a very sudden change in music to go with, but otherwise I think it's almost too quick. The last line is too long, doesnt flow well. The scarlet black thing is also fairly cliche, this particular metaphor I didnt like.

Shivering from the sudden change,
Questioning where you've been.
You'll look around to affirm yourself,
And wonder where it went.

Another sudden change(:lol:). The first line simply is there too make up for the above stanza, and the next three are just safe lines, kind of flat ending.

SO overall, fix stanza two, six and seven.
7/10 :)


http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=470960

(if this served no purpose to you at all, simply tell me)

[drumass04]

I think Mitch covered everything I was going to say in his crit.

Easier to imagine than it is to explain, he said,
Forgetting yourself, that is.

That was great, the rythm was wonderful. I like the way that you had a symmetry between the lines.


Could you say a little more about my piece? Point out anything you would change, or anything you really liked. Cheers :)

Keep on writing, you've got a great start here!

Timmy

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

He told me to imagine
A mind unlike my own,
Taken out of context
And milked to the bone.
i like this stanza it sets the listner up for the next stanza
If you lose yourself, he told me,
Scream and claw your way out.
The echoes' sound will come more and quick between.
Untill you can hear your voice again.
this stanza has very good imagery. the lines change a little bit in the third line
Easier to imagine than it is to explain, he said,
Forgetting yourself, that is.
But when it comes, it comes in waves
Till colors glow and patterns fade.
i like how you explain to the listener thats its the man thats still talking
Bound in a state of dreaming.
Gone, but not sleeping
Scared and calm, lost and found,
Curious but content.
Time stops and thoughts slow,
Untill there's nothing left.
Gone, but not sleepingi like the imagry in this line. this whole stanza is your best in the song,but the last line is your weakest
And the last thought you'll have here,
Is the wish to stay forever.
i like these lines, very powerful and it explains the mysterie behind the thoughts of the mind unlike your own
Till it all comes flooding back to you now,
Bite your lip and close your eyes.
Your ears will hear bells ringing
And you'll see nothing but blotches of scarlet black.
im going to take a stab at what thias song is about. past life? i dont like that last line though
Shivering from the sudden change,
Questioning where you've been.
You'll look around to affirm yourself,
And wonder where it went.this is a god closing for the whole song i like this piece. it brings you to the mysteries of the human mind. 8.4/10

[Agrim]

This poem was actually about blacking out on mushrooms. I'd been toying with how to explain it in my head for a while, and this is what I finally decided best described it. The guy talking to me is more of a hook, than anything. I also hoped it would provide some stability to the whole thing. It's not nearly perfect, nor does it convey half of what I wish it could, but It's a start.

Anybody got any suggestions for a name for it? Because "Untitled" is the best I could come up with.

[LittlePound]

what about "blacking out on mushrooms"?



::joking::

[Agrim]

Clever LittlePound......

Any serious suggestions for a name?

And I'd appreciate some more crits plz.

[TojesDolan]

A return critique I fancy, I guess.

He told me to imagine
A mind unlike my own,
Taken out of context
And milked to the bone.

The rhyme seems a bit... not forced, but just not really appealing or enticing, whatsoever. It's not exactly pushing the envelopes either. Just commonplace, I guess.

If you lose yourself, he told me,
Scream and claw your way out.
The echoes' sound will come more and quick between.
Untill you can hear your voice again.
Begins to create interest in me somehow. The structure is much more prose-y than poetic, The dialogue begins to really create a mood.

Easier to imagine than it is to explain, he said,
Forgetting yourself, that is.
But when it comes, it comes in waves
Till colors glow and patterns fade.

Last two lines are very strong.

Bound in a state of dreaming.
Gone, but not sleeping.
Scared and calm, lost and found,
Curious but content.
Time stops and thoughts slow,
Untill there's nothing left.

It picks up more and more. The ideas are too short and very easy to get around, there's no excessive use of dark references or anything like that, so it's enjoyable.

And the last thought you'll have here,
Is the wish to stay forever.

Not strong enough to be a one-liner, and it's more of an ending punch line, not really a middle-mark comment.

Till it all comes flooding back to you now,
Bite your lip and close your eyes.
Your ears will hear bells ringing
And you'll see nothing but blotches of scarlet black.

Shivering from the sudden change,
Questioning where you've been.
You'll look around to affirm yourself,
And wonder where you went.

Well es. I think it just needed a bit more of the confusion that comes with heavy drug consuming. Probably in the way Cedric Bixler from the Mars Volta does, with intricate trains of thought and stuff of the like, but this really came across, I think it's a good piece but in my opinion you could've worked more with the small details no one really pays attention to, but just happen to be crucial in the development of the writing itself. :)

[matthew121]

Black Dot

[Minus The Flair]

This is matthew121 with a new name btw, returning your great crit. My first impressions are that it is a good song with a quite original idea, executed nicely with your word choice, but could do with a bit more structure. But that's upon first read so here's the in-depth.

He told me to imagine
A mind unlike my own,
Taken out of context
And milked to the bone.

I like this opening stanza a lot, it gives the sense of mystery with the word 'he', 'who is he?', which makes the reader/listener want to carry on. It flows nice and simple and is very engaging. My only problem, which is a very high order to fill so don't worry to much, is that there is no killer line to really, really make the reader think 'Wow', which I really like to see in an opening stanza, but it's not too important, just maybe something to remember in future lyrics.

If you lose yourself, he told me,
Scream and claw your way out.
The echoes' sound will come more and quick between.
Untill you can hear your voice again.

This is what I was talking about with structure. It's not always bad to have no structure but it's a bit wierd here because the fisrt two lines flow quite well, while the next is way too long. I just feel strange saying it out loud, maybe you can. If you can, try and seperate the lines more, it doesn't have to just be four. As for the rest, I quite liked it, it gave a sense of panic, yet also dreaminess.

Easier to imagine than it is to explain, he said,
Forgetting yourself, that is.
But when it comes, it comes in waves
Till colors glow and patterns fade.

Again the first two lines don't really flow but I liked the first line nevertheless, nice word choice there. I like the flow of the third line as well, using 'comes' twice like that almost gives the feeling of waves breaking. Last line is quite good aswell, very dreamy.

Bound in a state of dreaming.
Gone, but not sleeping.
Scared and calm, lost and found,
Curious but content.
Time stops and thoughts slow,
Untill there's nothing left.

I like what you're trying to do here with the contradiction, but I've seen it before, and this brings nothing new, I'm not saying remove it, because I like the idea, but I feel that you have the potential with this to leave me jawdropped.(I probably this because while I'm reading this I'm listening to Gnarls Barkley - Basically)

Till it all comes flooding back to you now,
Bite your lip and close your eyes.
Your ears will hear bells ringing
And you'll see nothing but blotches of scarlet black.

Good use of imagery in this stanza, I don't have much of a problem with it, and there is a line I love there too, the last one. At first I thought it was a little wierd, but really it's a very good description of the colours when you close you're eyes or black out or something. This flowed better aswell.

Shivering from the sudden change,
Questioning where you've been.
You'll look around to affirm yourself,
And wonder where you went.

Not a very good closer at all. Sorry to be harsh but it seems very lazy. If you read this again closely you'll see what I mean. The 2nd and 4th line are incredibly similair, so much so that they could of rhymed with the same word 'been' and still made sense. There is nothing out of the ordinairy here, nothing to make me think, nothing that even makes me go 'that's quite good'. I'm sorry but this closer could do with a total revamp as it left me thoroughly dissapointed after an 'on-the-whole' very good lyric. It's always bad to end on a downer, as that's the final impression, so the closer is very important.

Summary

Overall, a very solid lyric, with a good use of imagery, some complex ideas, and some excellent word choice. You also set the atmosphere of the peice very well, panic in some places while dreamy in others, it seems to come naturally to you. The flow could of been better, but that can easily be changed. Finally, and in my opinion most importantly, redo that final stanza as it is really important and currently, it is very lazy. I think you're quite a talented writer, and that closer doesn't show anywhere near your potential. It's a good piece with lots of potential. Keep it up:thumb:

Hope this helps

-Matthew

Edit: I don't know what you should call it, maybe you should just give it a title from a part of your lyrics for the time being.