Oh, Cassandra

[Oh, Cassandra]

Oh, Cassandra


Oh, Cassandra took my hand
And lay her lines with bitter truancy.
Salt smeared my palms
And twig-like longing grazed my face
Like taunting numbness in piano fingers
Or doubtful songs a mother croons -
And I was sad.

Oh, Cassandra is a cynic
And I’m enchanted by her smile
So I consented,
I recanted every lank philosophy,
Gave in to romance, real romance
Like the kind my sister used to weave
Before she died.

Oh, Cassandra, did you know
That rapture only grows with breathing sin?
I’m leaving now
Like all those heroines you liked to twine
With air and flight and vehemence
I’ll let you keep our idyll, bound
In ribbons, spit and my contempt
For future draws.

And yes, I hope they calm you
More successfully than I ….

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Let me just say, I always find your vocabulary to be outstandingly well used, and voice to be superb. I'll expand on this later.

[drumass04]

Black dot for tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to this one, your other stuff was fantastic.

Timmy

[drumass04]

Wow, is pretty much all I can say. Your language is superb, your imagery is superb. Your writing is superb.

I'm going to point out the things that really shone;

'Oh, Cassandra took my hand
And lay her lines with bitter truancy.'

'And twig-like longing grazed my face
Like taunting numbness in piano fingers'

'And I was sad.' -- Simplicity is often the key.

'I recanted every lank philosophy' -- lovely half rhyme between 'recanted' and 'lank'. Intentional or not, it was great.

'That rapture only grows with breathing sin?'

'I’ll let you keep our idyll, bound' -- Beautiful line.

There is so much to sing your praises about here. Here are a couple of things I wasn't sure of;

'Salt smeared my palms' -- I'm not sure why I didn't like this. I don't think it flowed too well, and it didn't sound particularly great to my ears either.

'In ribbons, spit and my contempt' -- I think this line is necessary, but the piece seems to flow and sound so much better without it. Perhaps look at it again?

Brilliant writing, so little to complain about!

Keep it up, I look forward to your next piece!

Timmy

[Oh, Cassandra]

I agree with you about the line, "In ribbons, spit and my contempt". I think I may try to find a better way to phrase it.

Thanks for the crit! =)