Sundown from the veranda

[drumass04]

This is a piece I wrote in five minutes. Usually I spend much longer writing, but this stemmed from a semi-conscious thought and seemed to write itself. It is very simple, something I'm often not good at!

I'm not entirely sure about it, I like it's simplicity and the theme, but I'm not sure if it's really a finished piece. It doesn't quite seem complete. Anyway, tell me what you think!

I'll crit you all back with similar length/usefulness to the critique you leave! Remember everyone, I scratch your back, you scratch mine :p

Sundown from the veranda

A mixture of purple
Teal and blue
Orange in the west
Blackened in the east.

Sundown
From the veranda
A picturesque view
Over slanted silhouettes
Of broken trees and glowing
Pink petals.

The trees
Bent.
Away from a vicious wind
Howling.
Swept of leaves
Rustling.
On a shadowed lawn.

A lonely bench
On the veranda.
Sat under a heavenly couple
Watching the summer sundown
In soft-hearted comfort.

A warm feeling
Drained from blistering
Winds.
Tim Peacock
31/5/2006
©2006


Thanks a lot for any comments, hope you enjoyed :)

Timmy

[Oh, Cassandra]

You know what? That's really pretty.

[sjada]

This seems more peotic than lyrical to me but it was written very well. I like the fact that it is simple although I can tell you have done more complex, metaphorical pieces by the feel. Its hard to make a song on so much imagery.

[drumass04]

Yeah, I'm more a poet than a song writer. I find the constraints of meter and structure very restrictive and my style of writing tends to flow over the constraints.

I usually use a lot of imagery and metaphor etc. As many of the regulars around here would probably tell you, I'm known for being a little verbose too!

If you want to see some of my more metaphorical and complex pieces search for 'For my Father', 'Where nature lives, love cannot' and 'Honest souls live on'.

Thanks for the comments :)

Timmy

[meizmatt]

Sundown
From the veranda
A picturesque view
Over slanted silhouettes
Of broken trees and glowing
Pink petals.


that was my favorite part of the peice. it is simply beautiful, all of your sections were quite beautiful. your imagery in this peice actually made me reread it twice. im sorry i cant really help you much other than that...im not much of a poet/writer...

[sjada]

Yeah, I'm more a poet than a song writer. I find the constraints of meter and structure very restrictive for my style.

Thanks for the comments :)

Timmy

Try to put this to music if you can. I've actually heard some peotry fit well into music and this could probably sound really cool to the right tune.

(By the way, if you feel like giving a crit, I could use some help with my song)

[drumass04]

Thanks meizmatt, sjada I'll take a look at your piece now, I'll either crit now or tomorrow. It's getting late (1:40am) :p

Timmy

[masada]

This is a fuzzy piece. Fuzzy.

[Agrim]

It's okay.. it has it's moments.

I find poems about landscapes are some of the easiest to write, probably because they can stick in your memory so well, or are very easy to imagine.

But as far as landscape poems are concerned, I give it a 6/10

[drumass04]

Care to expand on that a little more?

What were it's 'moments'? What dragged it down to a 6?

Timmy

[drumass04]

Bumpity bump bump

[Oh, Cassandra]

I thought I'd give you a good breakdown on this one, since you did the same for me =)


A mixture of purple
Teal and blue
Orange in the west
Blackened in the east.

At first, I stumbled over the word 'blackened' - it almost seemed too long for the line. Then I read it again, and found the flow. I like this stanza, it's simple and it's pretty.

Sundown
From the veranda
A picturesque view
Over slanted silhouettes
Of broken trees and glowing
Pink petals.

Ah ... simple and pretty is good, but it can only take you so far. You get a little more imaginative in this stanza (just a little!) but it works wonders. I love the phrase 'slanted silhouettes / of broken trees and gowing / pink petals'


The trees
Bent.
Away from a vicious wind
Howling.
Swept of leaves
Rustling.
On a shadowed lawn.

You break in interesting places. This stanza felt a little abrupt, but it fits with the piece so I'm assuming that it was intentional. But hey - even if it wasn't, it worked out beautifully anyway.

A lonely bench
On the veranda.
Sat under a heavenly couple
Watching the summer sundown
In a fuzzy comfort.

I do not like the idea of 'fuzzy confort'. Perhaps it's a personal opinion, but the word 'fuzzy' is notpretty. It sort of sounds harsh among all the flowy, airy phrases.

A warm feeling
Drained from blistering
Winds
You lead out of the piece the same way you led into the piece - simply. It's a strong effect.

I must say, this piece looked alot more empty before I actually gave it a good read. For a simple piece, it's very powerful. 9/10

[Varment]

Hey dude I really like this it makes me feel sunny?

ahem anyway i like how it is more like a poem and not a typical punk song or something, i like how its not direct but too out of this world

I think you have great tallent I really do this is one of the best things I've read on theese forums, if your not voted one of the top writters you should be.

Good luck on me tryna write as much stuff as you did.

Also to answer your qustions about my song i wrote it in my thread

peace out

[TojesDolan]

You could use some in depth, wouldn't ya? :p

BTW you have no idea how much I appreciated the crit. :) oh well now you do.

OVERALL READ:

The title is good, sort of in the train of thought of a very country place... The overall piece really comes across with the image you're portraying, it really takes you to that place you're describing. The sentences, despite being very short, are arranged in a way that really makes it look fuller.

A mixture of purple
Teal and blue
Orange in the west
Blackened in the east.

Very simple yet effective starting line. The right amount of description to begin with. The light conditions could be expanded but oh well, it's good as it is.

Sundown
From the veranda
A picturesque view
Over slanted silhouettes
Of broken trees and glowing
Pink petals.

I don't really see the "glowing pink petals" point... unless there are a few bushes thrown in there, of course. It would be excessive to add something on the bushes, but that still seems like an empty space. It's very well written, though.

The trees
Bent.
Away from a vicious wind
Howling.
Swept of leaves
Rustling.
On a shadowed lawn.

Here is the part I was saying that was deeper because of the arrange of the words and not exactly the excesss of words themselves used, which is rare to see elsewhere. Very good.

A lonely bench
On the veranda.
Sat under a heavenly couple
Watching the summer sundown
In soft-hearted comfort.

Good and soft addition of the corny element in there.

A warm feeling
Drained from blistering
Winds.

Eh, feels like it ends in a point that could have been extended more for some reason, the finishing line recquires a lot more punch. No real editting overall, it's very passive, very soft to the reader, very good overall man. Cheers. :)