Praise The Blood Saint

[Laetus]

Soo.. I just wrote this lyric for a song I just created and I wouldn't mind an opinion on it..

Praise The Blood Saint

Murder with a force of fear
Translucent, vage and faint
A mind twisted and psychotic
"Praise the blood saint"

Yet another victim
Photographed lying so still
If only I believed in hell
I myself, I would kill

Murder with a force of fear
Translucent, vage and faint
A mind twisted and psychotic
"Praise the blood saint"

Drink their blood and taste their soul
Drain them from everything
If only I could kill myself
I myself, I would drink

___

I don't know what to think of it myself.. I write this stuff without giving it much thought.

[drumass04]

The content and quality of your writing is very good, your main problem is bluntness

You seem to be very abrupt in your writing, it's very fast moving, it's your downfall. I'd suggest spending a little more time developing your ideas and deciding what you're actually trying to say, this will help to clear the message and helpt the reader really get into the piece.

Keep on writing, you've got the basics there. Your descriptions are strong and your chorus is great. Just work on those verses a little.

Also...vage = vague :p

Good luck,
Timmy

[Laetus]

Hehe.. :D
I knew I had spelt vague wrong! :p

Thanks for the critique. :)

[drumass04]

Hehe :p

No problems, it was nice to read something from a writer I'd not read anything from before that actually had a spark there!

Timmy

[sjada]

Pretty good, the only problem I had with it was that it was very direct but it was still hard to tell exactly what it meant, maybe I just needed to read it over a couple more times. The writing itself was really good.