The Flowers Bloom Away

[hedgefudge420]

OK well I wrote this um hope you like it?


I pull the trigger
I fit right in
In isolation
You Should have seen

The Deep Blank Stare
Of Mutilation
Once you`ve been there
You`re back to pacing

You should have seen
The empty vases
You should have seen
Those faces

The flowers bloom away
While others left behind
Well I could never say
Now let me cross my mind

We grow too tall
In our self-rightousness
We cut us down
Please shine some light on this

You should have seen
The empty vases
You should have seen
Their faces




Tell me what you think. Thanks for reading.:thumb:

[drumass04]

Hmmm, about half of this is nice, and the other half bad.

In the first stanza, I would cut the repeat of 'in' and put;

I fit right in,
Isolation.

The 'I pull the trigger' part was very cliched and I'd suggest a re-think. Try and find a new metaphor that isn't as trite. Make it your own. Make it original.

I rather like the second stanza, I'm sure I recognize the first two stanzas from somewhere, but I like the whole lot.

The third stanza/chorus is ok, I'm not entirely sure about it. I like the connection of the vases with the title and fourth stanza/third verse, but the faces part just sounded annoying though I think you should try and say the same thing in the stanza. Perhaps re-word it, make it a little more original.

The fourth stanza is nice, though I don't like the third line. I'd have a little revision of the last two lines.

The fifth stanza is rather trite to be honest, nothing I haven't heard before. Try and think of a new metaphor or simile to take it's place.

I like the repetition, keep it. Though if you change the third stanza/chorus make sure you change the last stanza too.

This is pretty average, nothing that really stands out, there are a fair few cliches in there so I'd work on weeding them out.

Good luck, keep on writing :)

Timmy

Make sure you critique some other peoples work. Do that and they'll crit yours :p

[hedgefudge420]

...yeh thanks

Ima not gonna change anything really just coz it perfectly expresses what i was feeling at the time and thats all that really matters to me but i appreciate the stuffs. heh.

[Magnus55]

Ima not gonna change anything really just coz it perfectly expresses what i was feeling...

Then why did you ask for a critique?

Feels like you did a lot of rhyming for rhyming's sake. You have some clever word plays in there, but there's no real substance or constant theme to it-- just a lot of scattered ideas tied in by a rhyme scheme.