Utopian Reduced to Nymphomaniac

[tytothebenj]

These are some old lyrics I wrote that never became song.
Its portrayal is a bit gruesome but it's supposed to teach something good.
Tell me what you think.


UTOPIAN REDUCED TO NYMPHOMANIAC

She choked up from blue to red out of her mouth
The rag with which she was bound
Shaking violently
Streams of color bleed down to paralyzed feet

Little lamb fell fast asleep
A pillow pressed softly against its cheeks
Lids untied when it couldn’t breathe
It awoke trying to say something aloud
Not knowing what this was about

She moans even though it’s not what she wants
Lust doesn’t want her to enjoy it so with a punch responds
Bruises trace Barbie bones up in a frenzy
Wrists pressed down onto betrayed sheets

Little lamb fell fast asleep
A pillow pressed softly against its cheeks
Lids untied when it couldn’t breathe
It awoke trying to say something aloud
Not knowing what this was about

Unwelcome skin gouging in between her thighs
A loss of hair there, a crooked neck, and slits for eyes
Lust explained as teeth sink into her crust
Gripping her chest now he begins to bust

This is not a song of love just-

Desires of the flesh
Devour the flesh
Desires of the flesh
Devour the flesh

Little lamb fell fast asleep
A pillow pressed softly against its cheeks
Lids untied when it couldn’t breathe
It awoke trying to say something aloud
Not knowing what this was about

Then he pierced her suddenly
Bursting her cavity
Leaving all the evidence on her jeans

This exceeds what you did today
Little punker do you concur?
I’ll cut off your organs for the museum to display
Then will you hurt her?

T.B. Simons
©2005

[The_One]

This is one helluva piece.

You portray something no one wants to deal with very well. Barely anyone ever writes about serious stuff like this. Just wow. It's painful reading but written superbly.

[Magnus55]

I thought it was an exceptionally good piece. The ending seemed a little, trite but all in all I thought it was great. Good imagery, gave me chills.

[Magnus55]

oops, double post.

[drumass04]

As everyone's said, this is a good piece, written about something that many people find hard to address or don't have the vocabulary or the linguistic ability to portray effectively. You've done well.

I'm just going to point out the parts I didn't particularly like or enjoy.

'Streams of colors bleed down to paralyzed feet'
I like the first part of this line, in fact the whole stanza is fantastic, apart from the final two words. For me they just do not work. I don't know what I'd replace them with, but it just doesn't fit or sound quite right to my ears. Also, I would change 'colours' to 'colour'. It makes a little more sense that way, though maybe you want it to be a plural, keep it how you want.

'Lids untied when it couldn’t breathe
It awoke trying to say something aloud'
This was the only part of the chorus I didn't like, and it's only a couple of things that really annoyed me with it. Your refer to the baby as a lamb in the first line, and then turn to calling the baby 'it'. I think that perhaps you could call 'it', 'she' just like you have in the stanza after.

'Desires of the flesh
Devour the flesh
Desires of the flesh
Devour the flesh'
I really didn't like this, I don't know why, it just didn't seem to work for me. Keep it if you want, but I wouldn't.

'This exceeds what you did today
Little punker do you concur?
I’ll cut off your organs for the museum to display
Then will you hurt her?'
This is just seems a little trite to me, if you really like it keep it, but I'd suggest thinking of something else, or re-wording it.


Overall this is a strong piece, though it's let down occasionally. Try and go through it again, changing any parts you don't like and consider the points I've made and any others make.

Good luck, and keep on writing. You've got a talent many try to achieve, but few succeed.

Timmy

[tytothebenj]

As everyone's said, this is a good piece, written about something that many people find hard to address or don't have the vocabulary or the linguistic ability to portray effectively. You've done well.

I'm just going to point out the parts I didn't particularly like or enjoy.

'Streams of colors bleed down to paralyzed feet'
I like the first part of this line, in fact the whole stanza is fantastic, apart from the final two words. For me they just do not work. I don't know what I'd replace them with, but it just doesn't fit or sound quite right to my ears. Also, I would change 'colours' to 'colour'. It makes a little more sense that way, though maybe you want it to be a plural, keep it how you want.

'Lids untied when it couldn’t breathe
It awoke trying to say something aloud'
This was the only part of the chorus I didn't like, and it's only a couple of things that really annoyed me with it. Your refer to the baby as a lamb in the first line, and then turn to calling the baby 'it'. I think that perhaps you could call 'it', 'she' just like you have in the stanza after.

'Desires of the flesh
Devour the flesh
Desires of the flesh
Devour the flesh'
I really didn't like this, I don't know why, it just didn't seem to work for me. Keep it if you want, but I wouldn't.

'This exceeds what you did today
Little punker do you concur?
I’ll cut off your organs for the museum to display
Then will you hurt her?'
This is just seems a little trite to me, if you really like it keep it, but I'd suggest thinking of something else, or re-wording it.


Overall this is a strong piece, though it's let down occasionally. Try and go through it again, changing any parts you don't like and consider the points I've made and any others make.

Good luck, and keep on writing. You've got a talent many try to achieve, but few succeed.

Timmy

This is probably the 3rd real piece that I've ever written. I think "colors" was meant to be "color" and I just typed it in wrong. I would change a few things here and there in this piece, but then I would feel like I was betraying it somehow. Also- me referring to the girl as "it" and "lamb" are to make you wonder at the beginning. Thanks for the crit though!

[drumass04]

I know where you're coming from, sometimes it's better just to leave a piece. I think if there is something YOU want to change then you should. If it's just because someone else says so then I wouldn't. You've gotta want to change it to!
Timmy

[The_One]

Andrew gives 5 stars


So hopefully more people will check it out.