Myself and Nasty

[AcidQueen]

This is a song I wrote a year or so ago. I was never sure if it was any good. It has been unaltered, except that I finally gave it a title.

Step by Step I walk through the forest,
Looking for bugs and other kinds of prey.
I get the vibe that this place is alive
In more ways than one; I can feel it breathe.

Hey, I'm a blue jay,
But when I'm feelin' blue I can fly away.
Hey it's a new day,
To do what I need, or want, I should say

Day by day I live in the jungle:
Stones and bricks stick together with clay.
Somewhere I read that the city is dead,
But I don't believe it, I can feel it breathe.

Oooo, I'm a statue.
Made of metal I am here to stay.
Oooo, is it through yet?
Nowhere to go, no time to play.

[Agrim]

I'm undecided. It's extremely simple and rudementary... yet it has it's moments.

Hey, I'm a blue jay,
But when I'm feelin' blue I can fly away.


I liked that one a lot.

Somewhere I read that the city is dead,
But I don't believe it, I can feel it breathe.

I thought that was pretty cool too.

Could work some kinks out though. And I'm not quite sure of the meaning of the whole thing (I didn't really think too hard on it), but overall i think it's pretty good.

[sandsoftime]

not bad
i feel the in more ways than one bit in the first stanza threw off the flow but thats really about it.
also it really has nothing to do about anything...
try writing about what you feel not what you think...
it is a thin line us writers saunter along... you must please the crowd without trying too hard and you must write how you feel without writing how that other guy described the same feeling
did that make sense
anyway 7/10 cus its simple and didn't appeal to me

[drumass04]

'Stones and bricks stick together with clay.' -- I love it, for some reason I don't know.

'In more ways than one; I can feel it breathe.' -- Perfect!

Those are the lines that really sparkle for me.

I think you need to actually write about a specific subject, nothing really had a purpose from where I'm sitting. Find a topic, and write about it, from different perspectives, or create pictures through stunning imagery etc etc.

Keep on writing :)

Timmy

[deathscreamingsheep]

I'll echo what Drumass said, you've got potential as a writer but I feel yout song lacked focus. You don't have to tell a story par se, but you should find a topic to focus on, not just 'love' as a general topic either but a defined focus.

Poems can be very ambiguous (e.g. Kublah Khan or something) but if you follow what drumass said you should do well.

[AcidQueen]

Hey, thanks for all the tips. Anyone else?...