snakes

[meizmatt]

i dont really like the name, but it was the best i could come up with....

“Snakes”
Verse
You show no remorse
when you tear out my soul
you’re a deadly force
with one single goal
You play evil tricks
When I’m vulnerable
And you hope that it sticks
Cause it’s really quite full


Chorus
What did I do?
To deserve this
I fought with you
Hear the snakes hiss
Below my feet
I can feel it
Unbearable heat
I’m in deep sh it

Verse
You flirt with danger
You’re gonna get burned
Find a perfect stranger
Show me what you’ve earned
You cheat on death
With an ace of spades
You take a nap
On a bed of blades

Chorus

Verse
You’re coming in
Looking innocent
You wear me thin
With sharp statements

Chorus X2


any kinda constructive crit would be nice
also have fun and take some guesses at a meaning...

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

“Snakes”
Verse
You show no remorse
when you tear out my soul
you’re a deadly force
with one single goal
You play evil tricks
When I’m vulnerable
And you hope that it sticks
Cause it’s really quite full
the rhyme scheme gets very repetitive here. the last line is forced and you need to change it.

Chorus
What did I do?
To deserve this
I fought with you
Hear the snakes hiss
Below my feet
I can feel it
Unbearable heat
I’m in deep sh it
you need to keep all the lines in one tense. for example you used fought here in the third line, and you used did in the first line, but then you used hear. you should change this to heard
Verse
You flirt with danger
You’re gonna get burned
Find a perfect stranger
Show me what you’ve earned
You cheat on death
With an ace of spades
You take a nap
On a bed of blades
this stanza is a bit cliche, but it flows with rest of the song. i like this stanza the best
Chorus

Verse
You’re coming in
Looking innocent
You wear me thin
With sharp statements
you definitly need to work on this stanza the most none of it flows together, or with the song at all
Chorus X2




overall not a bad piece. i like the imagery in the 2nd verse, even if its a bit cliche. i give it a rating of 7/10. you need to work on the chorus a bit