Breathe

[TheWoodenSlug]

Here is a piece I posted a long time ago. I have since revised it alot and am now pretty happy with the final result (though any suggestions are obviously encouraged - especially for the title, which I just jotted down in a hurry when making this thread).

P.S The text in italics is spoken over the music.



Breathe

It’s snowing out, footpaths have disappeared
And I don’t have a car, or even a coat

But I won’t trust the postal service
With something as important as this

A plastic bouquet of peach and amber
Loosely tied with a ribbon of silk
And a handwritten note
Which says everything I can’t

Please place these on the mantle beside the galaxy of flowers you’ve received as a reminder that, no matter what I say or do, I care for you.

And when the others wilt and fade to nothing
Revealing their true affliction

Their remnants will float and dance on the breeze
And inevitably enter your lungs

And as you writhe on your bedroom floor, choking
I pray you’ll find the strength to look up
And, through nebulous eyes, notice that these flowers
Haven’t aged a single second

And you’ll breathe…



Well that's it. Again, all crits welcome. Thank you for your time.

[TheWoodenSlug]

Hmmm. I mean bump.

[Oh, Cassandra]

It’s snowing out, footpaths have disappeared
And I don’t have a car, or even a coat

But I won’t trust the postal service
With something as important as this

This is simple, but my God. There's just something about the way you're writing that I can't put my finger on.


A plastic bouquet of peach and amber
Loosely tied with a ribbon of silk
And a handwritten note
Which says everything I can’t


It's the way these words read so effortlessly. It's ... astounding.


Please place these on the mantle beside the galaxy of flowers you’ve received as a reminder that, no matter what I say or do, I care for you.

The galaxy of flowers .... simple metaphors blend beautifully into your writing.

And when the others wilt and fade to nothing
Revealing their true affliction

Their remnants will float and dance on the breeze
And inevitably enter your lungs

Interesting ideas, and I absolutely adore the way everything is stated with the least amount of words as possible.

And as you writhe on your bedroom floor, choking
I pray you’ll find the strength to look up
And, through nebulous eyes, notice that these flowers
Haven’t aged a single second

And you’ll breathe…


Wow. I do not know what to say. I certainly don't have any negative comments on this one ... you have very original ideas, and you phrase them so perfectly. This is exactly the style of writing I aim for, but I have never come near to this.

I'm going to stop now before you think me an insane, as.s-kissing fool ...

[TheWoodenSlug]

Haha. Thanks alot for the crit. I will crit one of your pieces in the very near future (busy right now.)

P.S Any suggestions for the title? "Breathe" just seems a bit bland. Thanks again.

[TheWoodenSlug]

One last bump...