'Solace for your losses' Hardcore song- will match crit

[Crimsonpunk]

This is a song iv'e been writing and re-writing for a little while with my band, and suggestions or crits would be most helpfull, it's coming from a sort of anti- war perspective, and basicaly is about how people in power get the credit for the soldiers that die for them...

V1
Watch, as you line your numbers, In alphabetical order
We'll wait as you put them in a row, and shoot them one by one and they fall
We drank the dessert dry, but never once could taste the water
Led left, with intent to protect, but destined to melt
Like snow angels in hell

V2
Defeat, just solace for you losses
And heat? Iv'e never been so god-damn cold in my life
The sun breathes, beauty on a desset
Left untouched by the hands of man, just the sun bleached bones of a thousand corpses

Chorus
Oh, you cut me short on every sentence that I spoke
You won't abreviate our faith
We are not heroes, but wer'e no zeroes on your paycheck
And we won't ****ing die to save your name
(To save your)

Like snow angels in Hell
We slowly melt..

Please post a link to you song

[ATC]

My first thoughts were..interesting. This is an overdone topic but that didn't come across much in this so that's good. On to the crit.
I don't like the 'in..order' line being added to the end. When you're saying those sort of things and trying to get a message across, be punchy. There's no room for clutter. For example, doing this makes it punchier.
Watch, you line your numbers,
In alphabetical order - wait
in a row, shoot them one by one -they fall.
Something like that drives the point home from the start and the rest of the piece can be the extrapolation of your message. A wayward opening makes the message less strong.
One thing that bothered me, but it's not really anything more than a pet peeve was that you spelt desert with two s's instead of one.
The second verse does what you want it to do so there's nothing major to be fiddled around with there. The chorus returns to a you vs me sort of feel which kinda makes me wonder if there's need for one more verse with the you vs me feel instead of ending it where you did. Abbreviating faith is a nice turn of phrase.

I'm not sure I'm allowed to post links to my song but if you'd like to return the crit, it should be somewhere on the second or third page and it's called Shoreline.

[Jbdrummin4u]

We are not heroes, but wer'e no zeroes on your paycheck <--- This is my favorite line in the entire song, it really sums up the entire point and puts it into one line. Maybe you should consider putting that about in the outro instead.

"Left untouched by the hands of man, just the sun bleached bones of a thousand corpses" I really don't like this line, it just makes me feel discusted, instead of interested. You should probably change the line to something least hidious, and do something new instead of "just the sun bleached bones of a thousand corpses".

Overall I liked it though, it had some good meaning.

Crit Here (http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=472006)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

What type of dessert did you drink dry, A ROOTBEER FLOAT? LOLZ!

I think that a lot of the imagery stretches to have greater impact than it actually gives. Sun-bleached bones, snow angels in hell, etc. just don't really strike me as that interesting in the obvious context. We all understand the connotations of war, the aftermath, and the consequences, and really all you've done in this piece is try and build on them. It falls short though. I will say though, aside from the imagery, your language is good, as well as structure. It just doesn't really drive home a point with me though.

[Crimsonpunk]

What type of dessert did you drink dry, A ROOTBEER FLOAT? LOLZ!

You..cheap...****

But cheers for the crits anyways, I'll get round to critting your songs soon

[drumass04]

I haven't really got much to add, I'd just like to emphasise what the others have said, it needs to be a little punchier. It's really got to stand out in places, like a slap in the face. This would add contrast to the peice, between the harsh punchy sounds and the softer description.

Your use of punctuation, and the way your lines were broken up, or in half, by commas annoyed me a little. I think if you re-thought them or took some of them out it would add to the flow. I have the same problem when I write, but when someone is reading a piece they should have a little thought in how it flows, rather than you dictating it to them through your use of punctuation.

A lot of your imagery seems to be very short and choppy, you don't tend to stick with one image for more than a line or two, I think if you lengthened each thought or picture he piece would be enhanced dramatically, it would really add to the flow and descriptive merit of the piece.

I don't know why, but I really liked this line;
'We drank the dessert dry, but never once could taste the water'

I've only really pointed out things I'd change here, there are some nice parts throughout the piece though. It's a good effort, I think perhaps a little more time and some rethinking on specific parts would improve it a lot though.

Keep it up,

Timmy

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=468538

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

You still haven't changed dessert to desert, even after my witty commentary.

[Crimsonpunk]

V1
Watch, as you line your numbers, In alphabetical order
We'll wait as you put them in a row, and shoot them one by one and they fall
We drank the dessert dry, But failed to taste the delicous pudding flavour
Led left, with intent to protect, but destined to melt
Like snow angels in hell

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

More like, snow cones in hell. Amirite?