Untitled song

[sjada]

I know this is really bad andkind of unfinished but I need help with my writing and this is all I have for now. Critique as harshly as you want.

I know my mind is numb
But its not polite to stare.
We havent talked in days
But I see you every where.
Tell me now
How have you been?
I see it in your smile.
The devils that you deal with
Have been buisy for a while.
I'd ask you to run with me
But know you've got to stay,
So for this time I've got
To find another way.
I lost it all so long ago
It doesnt feel so bad
But even as you look away
I know your eyes are sad.

By the way, this song could use a name if you have any ideas.

[LittlePound]

i liked it but i'm just a nubcake. Maybe a bit more elaboration on whats going on, but that might just me. I'm the kind of guy that likes the song to tell a specific story and not really be open for much interp. so if that's not you i guess leave it.

[ushetra]

It seems like a little fairy tale poem.

[kurtnovogrohl]

maybe a love poem.. overall a simple and average work.. care to crit mine? http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=471147

[sjada]

Any other crits? I would like to improve this piece if I get some more suggestions.

[drumass04]

I'll get to this tomorrow, once I've had some sleep.

For now, a black dot.

Timmy

[drumass04]

This is on the whole, rather cliched and boring. You have a moment or two where you shine though.

I know my mind is numb
But its not polite to stare.
We havent talked in days
But I see you every where.


I like the idea in the first two lines, however I don't think you pulled it off terribly well. The connection between the two lines isn't great, it's good to make the reader think, but it needs to be fairly straight forward for a piece like this. The last two lines are nothing new, try and think of a new way of putting it. Try and make it a little more story like or hide the meaning beneath something else. I think that will improve it and make it a little less trite.

Tell me now
How have you been?
I see it in your smile.
The devils that you deal with
Have been buisy for a while.


I like the straight forward simpleness in the first two lines here, perhaps a little too simple, but keep it. I like the idea in the rest of the section too, I jsut think you could have put it to paper a little more effectively. Perhaps add a little imagery to convey your point rather than straight forward prose? Also 'busy', not 'buisy' :p

I'd ask you to run with me
But know you've got to stay,
So for this time I've got
To find another way.


To be quite honest, there is nothing new here. All of it has been written before in much the same way. Try and add a spark of originality something that really makes it your own. Your feelings can't be exactly the same as everyone elses in the world, remember we're all individual. Make your writing individual too.

I lost it all so long ago
It doesnt feel so bad
But even as you look away
I know your eyes are sad.


You've got the same idea as most other people writing about this topic have for an ending. It's a nice and sweet idea, which is why everyone uses it. Try and add a little twist to make it your own. At the moment it's a little trite. Again, add something to make it completely yours.

As I said, a lot of cliches, though there is the occasional spark of hope in there. I recommend you read through it again and change or adapt anything you think is cliched or you don't like. Use what I've pointed out as well and anything others point out.

Keep on writing, and good luck :)

Timmy