Heading back North

[ljump12]

Cause I am; held together by
you and I commit to that long
drive down the interstate with
lights that shine bright upon you
but you're nowhere to be found
nowhere to be found

Looking back on feelings left
behind the trees in the
pictures of us painted
red like the mornning sky
after raining like a storm that
brings us closer together
than I ever needed.

I fell in too deep;
so much deeper than
I wanted you to be close
but not quite like
this wasn't supposed to
End up like it
did you want something more?

Cause I am; held together by
you and I commit to that long
drive down the interstate with
lights that shine bright upon you
but you're nowhere to be found
nowhere to be found

And my brake lights light
up and I slow down; as I
turn around on the long
interstate that winds south
heading north back to you,
clinging to hope that you
havent moved on without me

Cause I am; held together by
you and I return from that long
drive down the interstate with
lights that shine bright upon you;
becuase i saw you in the sun that set;
in the moon that rose; with the stars
that lit my path back to you.


Any thoughts? thakns! Meant to be played acoustic guitar solo...

[sjada]

The flow to this is really cool, especially in the chorus, though Im not sure I can quite imagine it with music. If you already have a tune that goes with it then this could be an excellent song.

[drumass04]

Hmmm, this is a cliched topic...that phrase is also cliched...but you've done ok with it.

I don't know how new you are to songwriting and lyrics writing etc, but I'd guess that you've dabbled in it before?

Your piece has many of the usual cliches, but occasionally there is a glimmer or originality coming through the grey mist of trite and boring phrases.

Some of these sparkles;

'behind the trees in the
pictures of us painted
red like the mornning sky'

'And my brake lights light
up and I slow down; as I
turn around on the long
interstate that winds south'


And some of the mist;

'Cause I am; held together by
you'

'I fell in too deep;
so much deeper than
I wanted you to be close
but not quite like
this wasn't supposed to
End up like it
did you want something more?'


You still have a lot of work to make this an 'original' piece, but what you've got is a starting point. Try and work in your own imagery, thinking of new metaphors that you've never heard before and aren't too typical. Try and add a little twist to the language you use, and also review your storyline, add a twist into that and you could come out with a masterpiece. It's unlikely, but possible.

As I've said many times, when you're writing on a topic such as this you really have to stand out from the crowd, be the one wearing bright pink at the funeral instead of black.

I'd suggest taking a look at the guide to imagery, metaphor and mood at the top of the S&L forums, it was written by ATC and SubtleDagger, both experienced and great writers.

Hope this helps, if not then I hope the guide will.

Good luck, and keep on writing.

Timmy