Three

[Walrus James]

rsdfdssdfsd

[slack]

Pretty good. I like the first line alot because it's an interesting phrase and the C sounds as well as the rain/stay rhyme just give it a nice bounce. The end rhyme kind of bothered me because the lines are short, so I noticed them more, I guess. I'd suggest rhyming every other line, or rhyming within the lines more (called internal rhyme) instead of at the end. There's lots of ways to acheive a lyrical feel and end-rhyme is just one of those ways.

The problem here is that I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not sure who you refers to, and no, that's not an open invitation for you to tell me. It should be clear, in my opinion. I also don't understand the significance behind red or three. Three as in Lucky number three? Alright then. Maybe this is about feeling unlucky. If that's idea you're working with, it needs a lot of work.

I dunno. I'm inclined to say that the mere fact I'm tossing out interpretations means your work isn't as clear as perhaps it should be.

There you go, my thoughts. Hopefully it was of some use.

[The Door Mouse]

dude ur awsome
im serious
u should me a poet

[Walrus James]

Thankyou guys, very much. I guess my writing doesn't exactly clearly show what I mean, but like I said, it's the whole vibe I had at that moment. But thankyo for the kind words and CC.

-Jimmy

[Walrus James]

Fix'd.

[Aklerc]

It's very nice- I'd love to see you add to it. It's simplicity makes it fun to read and it flows really well. I love the first two lines, absolutely brilliant. I think it could be improved if you tried some more rhyming like you did with the first two lines. Not obvious- but you can tell it's there if you get me.
Very impressive considering your age and I'd love to see some more stuff :) Keep up the good work.

[Walrus James]

Thank you, very much.

[Aklerc]

this poetic use of word are really awesome.. and your rhyming are pretty good.. it seems incomplete, maybe you would like to add more in the future? http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=471147
Do not specifically ask for crits of your piece either.
If that's your piece you might want to take it off.

[Walrus James]

Hump de Bump