New Song

[goingunderground]

Hey guys, I don't come on here much, infact I've never been on this particular section of the forums before

Anyway, this is literally the first song I've ever attempted to write, so any feedback would be appreciated (EDIT: It's also not complete)


The lethargic tone of reminiscence
Corrupting eager ears and eyes,
The lies, of places you’ve never been.
Head in the clouds, work subterranean
Reach for the middle ground of familiarity

The wings have disappeared, grinded down
By idle repetition, guidance ignored.
Your black skies have washed away the exits,
Raining redundant irony on those below;
The appeal of a rebel fading

I stole a book of matches, a tale of
How everything good burns out.
It stays on the shelf
It’s what I know,
Not what I believe


Some of it is alright (with links between all three 'stanzas') but I think it smacks of trying too hard really. The last one would either be a chorus or located towards the end of the song, away from the other verses. Also need a different word instead of 'rebel' I think, although it fits in with the general meaning of the song.

Anyway, over to you. I'm not overly optimistic :p

[slack]

Even before I read your comments at the end, I thought it felt a little disingenuous, like you were trying to be poetic for poetry's sake. Things like "Your black skies have washed away the exits,/Raining redundant irony on those below;" and "The lethargic tone of reminiscence" made me think that way. First of all, I don't know what a lethargic tone of reminiscence is, or how to go about picturing it. Really, it strikes me as something that is perfectly, poetically meaningless.

Maybe it does have a menaing, but it's not coming through for me.

For the most part, this is all a bunch of disconnected phrases for me. Parts of it make sense, but as an overall piece, it doesn't really say anything to me. Perhaps that is my fault, since I've only read it twice, maybe three times, and I haven't really sat here and tried to decipher what's going on. Quite honestly, it's a sunny day outside and I don't have the time, energy or inclination. :)

I think your suspicion is dead on. You're trying too hard. It shows in the work; it's lofty, it's overly descriptive, and the message, for me anyway, got caught in the crossfire.

Best of luck.

[goingunderground]

Even before I read your comments at the end, I thought it felt a little disingenuous, like you were trying to be poetic for poetry's sake. Things like "Your black skies have washed away the exits,/Raining redundant irony on those below;" and "The lethargic tone of reminiscence" made me think that way. First of all, I don't know what a lethargic tone of reminiscence is, or how to go about picturing it. Really, it strikes me as something that is perfectly, poetically meaningless.

Maybe it does have a menaing, but it's not coming through for me.

For the most part, this is all a bunch of disconnected phrases for me. Parts of it make sense, but as an overall piece, it doesn't really say anything to me. Perhaps that is my fault, since I've only read it twice, maybe three times, and I haven't really sat here and tried to decipher what's going on. Quite honestly, it's a sunny day outside and I don't have the time, energy or inclination. :)

I think your suspicion is dead on. You're trying too hard. It shows in the work; it's lofty, it's overly descriptive, and the message, for me anyway, got caught in the crossfire.

Best of luck.

Thank you very much.

Btw the meaning is basically about people in my area who write about very cliched things. There is a hint of irony in the writing, although I wouldn't expect it to shine through as it is rubbish :thumb:

[711]

I stole a book of matches, a tale of
How everything good burns out.
It stays on the shelf
It’s what I know,
Not what I believe

I like this part a lot. The first verse is good too. It is a bit hard to tell what the main theme of the song is, but its good as long as you have one.

[drumass04]

Slack pretty much summed it up there. You've got it right when you say that you're trying too hard. It's good that you've recognised that yourself though :)

I'd suggest going through the piece, or the storyline and writing all the main points that you really want to put across to the reader or listenener. Once you've done that read through your piece again, and think about each individual line or phrase. Is it really necessary? Are you being too vague? Is it just too pretentious?

Once you've done this you will see where you need to simplify things. You can simplify the lines that you think are too pretentious, add a little to the phrases that are a little too vague and dispose of the lines that are just unnecessary. After that is done you'll probably need to re-structure the piece; does it want to be told like a story, or do you want the reader to piece together the information with the help of single lines or couplets in between stanzas?

The most important thing about a piece of poetry or a lyric, is that it makes sense. If it doesn't do that then no matter how wonderful the language is, it will not be a masterpiece. There is a delicate balance between story and poem. You usually have to be telling a story when writing a poem, but you can't let it get too bogged down in language and structure that it takes away from the story. It's a balance that takes a long time to perfect.

Good luck! Keep on writing :)

Timmy

P.S Sorry if that seemed a little jumbled, I wrote it in a rush.