Get in

[meizmatt]

"get in"

VERSE
Another line
Inside a book
Another chance
That we both took
Another way
To say goodbye
Another day
We want to die

CHORUS(+main hook)
And I cant
See out of this
Hole
I’m in X4

VERSE
Go on with your life
She wont be there
Go on with your life
She doesn’t care
Go on with you life
You miss her so
Go on with your life
Its time to go

CHORUS(+main hook)
And I cant
See out of this
Hole
I’m in X4

BRIDGE
Get up (Give in)
Get up (Give in)
She’s gone now
Get up (Give in)
Get up (Give in)
She’s over you
Get up (Give in)
Get up (Give in)
She’s gone now
Get up (Give in)
Get up (Give in)
Get over her

CHORUS(+main hook)
And I cant
See out of this
Hole
I’m in X8

this is the first song ive ever finished. i just wanted some crit...BTW its a hard rock song...

[drumass04]

I'm not really into the whole 'hard-rock' scene, so I may be a little biased, but from a lyrical sense or point of view this is nothing special at all.

The main problem with it is the fact that it is incredibly vague, what's actually happened or is happening. You really need to explain what is going on, and really get into a story to write about it. It's ok saying that something has gone wrong and now you want to kill yourself, but WHY?

It's the why that really makes a lyric or a poem. It's the why that lets you expand and explain yourself, it's what creates a story from a statement.


Firstly you have chosen a cliched topic, but that doesn't necessarily mean a bad or boring lyric. It just means you've got a lot of hard work to make an outstanding, or at least noticable piece. As I have said many times on these forums, and others, you have to stand out from the crowd. You have to give it that extra something that will make the reader stay awake and get into your writing.

Secondly, you've written about a cliched topic in a cliched and trite manner. That is, you've stated something and not explained it. One of the main problems with this is that it doesn't really make sense, and another problem is the way in which it seems to be exactly the same as any other song written on this subject...boring.

To really expand on something such as this you have to use your literary skills, that I'm sure you have, everyone does you just have to dig to find them. Use description to explain, use metaphors and similes to add interest and a spark to your description. Use alliteration, consonance and assonance to increase the sound quality of the piece. Use imagery to create a picture in the readers mind, and increase their emotions towards the subject.


I'd suggest reading ATC's and Subtle's guide at the top of the S&L forum, it'll give you a good insight into these methods and techniques.

I know this hasn't really been a critique, but if it had of been I would have just been putting you down and would probably have made you enver come back.


Hope I've helped, if not, then ignore me.

Keep on writing!!!

Timmy :)

[sjada]

The first verse reminds me of We Are The Roadcrew by Motorhead because every other line starts with another. Im sure nobody cares though.

[DrunkRock]

I didn't find this lyric vague, and I can definitely see it as a fast song.

I would make the chorus faster, to read as

And I can't see
Out of this hole I'm in