It's not you, it's me

[LittlePound]

alrighty then. This is my first attempt at writing anything. It's still in it's rough draft phase but i figured i'd better get outside views before i tried to edit. Don't be to harsh, i know since it's my first piece it's probably not going to be all that great and once it's set to music the lyrics will probably change a bit too so they fit the song better but just let me know what you think.


It's not you, It's not you
It's me, I'm the problem
I can't make you laugh
So i'm sadly downtrodden

I can't say sweet things
that make your heart warm
When i'm around you
I'm out of my norm
I become uncomfortably shy
Knowing not what to say
So i stay quiet and watch
boredom take you away

It's not you, It's not you I promise
It's me, It's me, I'm the problem
Though i long to love you, i can't relate
My thoughts of you fill me with hate
for myself

It's not you, It's not you
You're so beautiful
It's me, It's me
I'm so pitiful

I can't be the man
that i want you to want me to be
I can't allow you
to see me be like me
It's not your fault
that we're not together
Knowing me, It's probably for the better

It's not you, It's not you I promise
It's me, It's me i'm the problem
Though i so desire to be by your side
In resignation I breathe out a sigh
for myself

It's not you, It's not you
It's me, all me


I bolded the parts that i think should be changed. I like the ideas the lines pose but i couldn't come up with any better way to write it as of yet. I am also trying to come up with something of a preclude to kind of set it up rather than just starting it with "it's not you".If it's complete crap let me know, but please be nice.

[vocman]

I like the general idea, and some parts are good, but "it's not you, it's me" has been used too many times before. Maybe you should try to say it in a different way...

[LittlePound]

well that line is what gave me the idea for a song. Honestly, the i used to think the whole idea of "it's not you, it's me" was a load of crap, but that was before i experienced a situation where that was exactly the issue, (and if you really look at it, any situation could be viewed from that perspective) so i figured i'd go ahead with that. If you have another way i could express "it's not you, it's me" but it still mean the same thing and evoke the same message then by all means let me know and i'll see what i can do. Thanks for the feedback.

[LittlePound]

bump. Does anybody else have any advice for how i could improve it? Maybe a different oppinion/stand point?

[sjada]

I like the idea of this but it gets a bit repetitive. I would keep the "its not you, its me" part but maybe use it less. The part that you wanted to change is kind of important because it is the part that keeps it from being too open ended (which I always have problems with), but it depends on how you pictured it sounding in your head.

[LittlePound]

ok so basically cut down on how much i use the "it's not you it's me". I'll find a way to do that. and kind of like you said, i liked the idea that those lines posed but i just didn't think they fit right, i just need to come up with a better way to word it. Thanks for your post.

edit: Is it pretty good for a first timer?

[vocman]

ayup

[LittlePound]

cool! i'll repost when i have the time to edit it and change it.