City of the Sky

[ThePinkPanther]

hi/.

[WashburnPlayer]

that is ver good, wouldnt change anything.... 9/10

[vocman]

Do they open up the dam to damn us?


how witty :).
I really really like this. don't change a thing. for which genre is it intended?

[ThePinkPanther]

how witty :).
I really really like this. don't change a thing. for which genre is it intended?

something that's like The Microphones.

[drumass04]

Wow, fantastic writing there!

You've incorporated some incredible imagery in a simplistic manner, you've also encompassed some brilliant humour in there.

It's a very light, but kind of meaningul piece in many ways, I really like it. You've got a great style. There's not a lot I'd change in all honesty.

The only things I would change are small and silly, and don't really make that much difference. They are just little pet hates that I have, that msot don't agree with :p


Well done, keep it up :)

Timmy

[ThePinkPanther]

What would you change just out of curiousity?

[rajat]

Hi,

That's a wonderful piece of writing. There is a shadow of T.S. Eliot in your writings. Your imagery is nice.

http://www.mrights.com

[ThePinkPanther]

I don't believe i've ever actively read any T.S. Eliot.

[doubleawesome]

hey dood..man thats some pretty cool artwork right there.tottally painted a picture in my head..very artistic and floating..what genre is it goin to be in?..
8.4/10 for me dood!! nice art dood

[drumass04]

I'll point out two things...both pet hates of mine.

The word 'foggy', I don't know why but I hate it. Not only in poetry, but in normal speech as well.

I also thought that in the penultimate stanza you were a little too literal in your writing. In some cases it works well, I just don't think it did there. Don't know why, just my mind being silly I think!

Great writing though :)

Timmy

[hedgefudge420]

yeh i dont know wtf im talking about so uh....good job?

[TojesDolan]

Hello. I'm doing this because I guess it's sorta the new rule and I have been a bit rusty lately.

The skies are a city of their own
Each building lights in it's own way
The roads between them form designs
The offices are open late tonight
The heroes are getting paid over time

Begins alright. I'm not completely thrilled about the first line, doesn't seem much fulfilling. However it builds up slowly, probably your aim, since the overall poem/whatever develops slowly.

It must be foggy in the heavens
For it is cloudy from here
Cool winds with tiny flutters
Maybe earthquakes in the city of the sky

Nice change of pace. I like the first line a lot, I'm somewhat... very into the darker sort of vibe. Sort of different from what you create later on, but oh well.

So smooth is the tranquility
Of the night in it’s pitch of black
It is the best time to see the other world
The city of the sky shows a peace in which we lack

This stanza is good, but somewhat falls unnecesary in my humble opinion, probably because it adds nothing relevant to your overall idea. Then again I'm not good at interpretations.

This is the calm of our storm
Our city lights are dim
we can see the city of the sky
Twinkling in its distance
Causing dreams of young ones
Are they dreams or hallucinations
Of being the first to reach that city

The first stanza that truly tries to bring a point upon the existence of what you write, however what are you trying to get across really? That above us there's always something alternate to our reality, probably?

Eh, no need to make a close review of the rest. My overall opinion is that it develops slowly, and takes a while to get a point across. It could have been achieved much faster and with more complicated intrications, but that would have added unnecessary layers of depth, and this more of a smooth, kind of soft walk among this world, more prose-y than anything. It didn't feel clogged, it flowed very well, but I think it could have reached the point in a faster, more digestible manner.

Hope the adviced served.

[FungusAmngus870]

nice work, don't change a thing