Strength Over the Threshold

[Dancin' Man]

It's been a while since I've posted anythign here. Some critiques would be great. Drop me a link of anything you'd like critiqued.

Strength Over the Threshold

Glass amnion
Cracked and spilling forth
Once viscous
Watered down
With hands full of blood and life

Though we may dress our wounds and
Wash birth water from wet hands
New skin, new shell
Thick and marked scales

Spite’s levees piled
Higher and higher

Stand alone
A sail facing the wind
No rudder locked

Yet. Yet. Yet.
Damage forgiven when
Deepest scar received
By user

Beware the spiteful egg
Stand alone
A sail facing the wind
No rudder locked

[drumass04]

Wow, really, wow!

This is a wonderful piece, I liked it a lot. It's one of those piece that is simple, but complex at the same moment. A constant that many find it very difficult to accomplish. You've done it well.

The imagery is rather nice here, it's abstract but fantastic. It really did paint pictures in my mind. You used some nice metaphor as well, very well done!

I particulary enjoyed 'Spite's levees', the personification was wonderful. I also like the repetition of the sail and rudder imagery.

I have only two things to say apart from what I've already said;

Firstly, you don't really explain the story, you leave a lot to the imagination, and I rather like the images and the story that you painted in my mind. Still, I think some explaination may enhance the piece a little.

Secondly, the repetition of 'yet' really got my back up, it might just be me. But I'd change it.

Well done, keep it up!

Timmy :)

[Dancin' Man]

Thanks a lot for checking this out. I doubt I'll add anymore storyline because the point is really to paint a picture and you take from that what you will. Think of the "Yet.Yet.Yet." as an ellipses and sound device.

[drumass04]

Fair enough, as long as it is open ended for a reason, and as I said, it did paint a very nice picture and I did almost make up a story to go with it within my mind.

Timmy