"Tired Mouths Make Light Work"

[Disco Donkey]

Tongues like this would make a good living being catatonic
Limp and lifeless
Lie-less
Watch me unfold the disadvantages of phonics
Untruthful but trusting
Tired
Of looking back and tracking my words like radar blips
Backpacking with a bag full of conversation snippets
This room would not be silent
If I hadn’t said so much before

Remember that story
That I detailed down to the color of the fence
It was little
And white
And lied in the middle of a meadow

Tongues like this could make a good living inside enemy lines
Slick and slithering
Demonized
For trying to inflict so much happiness in so little time
Complete complexity
Confusion
On which shirt collar the lip stains remain embroidered
Upon, like a bleached out reminder of trust’s constant folly

Remember that story
That I detailed down to the color of your bracelet
It was little
And white
And lies on the floor of my new companion’s quieting bedroom

[ATC]

I essentially like most of what's going on here. The voice is strong and comes off well. I think the tongues like this metaphor is what should introduce each section or be placed in the middle to strengthen it. When you're juxtaposing these sorts of images, it's generally best to keep the thread constant. The first verse isn't as strong as it's third verse sibling. You've got some flourishes with the wordplay going in places. I didn't like the lifeless, lie-less thing but really really enjoyed the it was little/and white/and.. section. It provides a grounded focus to your philosophical tangent. Overall, I think it's good though it could move me more considering how powerful the 'chorus' and some lines are, it's just that you need to pare some of the verse down. Keep on.

[Zandt]

I like this piece a lot. The fault that I find in it is basically what ATC commented about the "chorus." I didn't like "the floor of my new companion’s quieting bedroom" part.

I don't know what style you are writing this for but it could work with a lot of genres which a lot of lyrics don't do. So you get major props there. If it's an experimental, alternative, or metal/hard rock piece I can see you twising it to make the ending work. (ie: the change of music at the end reflects the way it sounds naturally)

Overall I think it's great though. I re-read it a few times and it's hard to say I dislike anything but that last part (depending on the style)

[Floyd]

Very interesting...
I like it. What's the style you're using?

[Disco Donkey]

I never write my lyrics with a particular style of music in mind; therefore, I've never really thought of what it would be sung to. You can make your own connections there if you wish.

As for the "little/white/lie" part, that was meant as a literal and figurative. I was trying to make it somewhat inconspicuous, which I guess I accomplished (too much) considering that no one got it. And ATC, I like your suggestion to start the verses with the "Tongues like this" lines. I'm using it. :)

Thanks for your crits guys. I'm glad you dig it.

[Dancin' Man]

I like your little wordplay with the little white lie. It doesn't come off as being overly cliche and is hidden enough that it's not like the reader is getting slapped in the face. The tongues I also liked, as well as the way you contrasted the same metaphor. I like how this is put together. What you're saying is less interesting, but this does look like it would lend itself to actually being used in a song. Having been listening to tons of At the Drive-In lately, I can almost hear Cedric yelping out your tongue twisting lines, especially the third stanza.

[Disco Donkey]

Thanks Dancin' Man. It's been a long time since I've seen you around these parts. Hopefully, that will be remedied. :)