the_strange_one
05-24-2006, 06:38 PM
Hello everybody, I just thought that I would share my story with you, in the hope that perhaps sharing will help me feel a little bit better.
I have been playing the guitar for ten years, and have been writing music for five. At the moment I am doing a contemporary music course, which amongst other things requires three class performances. I also have social anxiety and depression. I don't really talk to people in the class and am very much a loner in general. Music is the only thing that keeps me breathing.
On tuesday, I had my first performance, and I stupidly made the decision to drink before my performance. Not just one or two drinks, but 3/4 of a bottle of vodka, which for me, really isn't that much. The next day, I didn't remember the performance at all. All I remember was a few seconds of playing and forgetting everything about the song I was doing.
Yesterday, I listened to a recording of the performance and **** man... There is just silence. Minutes of silence when I am up there, and the teacher asks me what's wrong, and I start repeating myself saying how ****ed up I am, that I am so ****ed up, and more ****ed up then the rest of the class. ****. This was all recorded on the ****ing daff (spell?) machine. And then I finally start ****ing playing, and I **** up and didn't even play any of the ****ing songs the way that they're supposed to ****ing sound.
I went to class yesterday, and apparantly, so the teacher said, I 'blew' everybody away. And he said that he thought that the performance was excellent and is keen to hear my music, as it's quite different to anything he's heard. He said it was really haunting. I can't help but think that that is just bull****, and he's just saying it to be nice. ****. Ok, so it's not a big deal, right? But everytime I think ok, **** it, I can get over it, I can hear myself at the start saying how ****ed up I am, and I feel so stupid. One of the songs, I started with the bridge, and I couldnt even bring myself to listen to the rest, and I kept ****ing up on the guitar, and apparantly I dragged one of the songs out to eight minutes. My teacher thought it was cool, but like I said, probably trying to make me feel better.
Luckily, and I hope that this story serves as a lesson for people, as in do not drink before performances, or if one does, in moderation, man. I have another performance next tuesday, in which I plan to be ****ing straight as, and hopefully it will be better...
I have been playing the guitar for ten years, and have been writing music for five. At the moment I am doing a contemporary music course, which amongst other things requires three class performances. I also have social anxiety and depression. I don't really talk to people in the class and am very much a loner in general. Music is the only thing that keeps me breathing.
On tuesday, I had my first performance, and I stupidly made the decision to drink before my performance. Not just one or two drinks, but 3/4 of a bottle of vodka, which for me, really isn't that much. The next day, I didn't remember the performance at all. All I remember was a few seconds of playing and forgetting everything about the song I was doing.
Yesterday, I listened to a recording of the performance and **** man... There is just silence. Minutes of silence when I am up there, and the teacher asks me what's wrong, and I start repeating myself saying how ****ed up I am, that I am so ****ed up, and more ****ed up then the rest of the class. ****. This was all recorded on the ****ing daff (spell?) machine. And then I finally start ****ing playing, and I **** up and didn't even play any of the ****ing songs the way that they're supposed to ****ing sound.
I went to class yesterday, and apparantly, so the teacher said, I 'blew' everybody away. And he said that he thought that the performance was excellent and is keen to hear my music, as it's quite different to anything he's heard. He said it was really haunting. I can't help but think that that is just bull****, and he's just saying it to be nice. ****. Ok, so it's not a big deal, right? But everytime I think ok, **** it, I can get over it, I can hear myself at the start saying how ****ed up I am, and I feel so stupid. One of the songs, I started with the bridge, and I couldnt even bring myself to listen to the rest, and I kept ****ing up on the guitar, and apparantly I dragged one of the songs out to eight minutes. My teacher thought it was cool, but like I said, probably trying to make me feel better.
Luckily, and I hope that this story serves as a lesson for people, as in do not drink before performances, or if one does, in moderation, man. I have another performance next tuesday, in which I plan to be ****ing straight as, and hopefully it will be better...