Live by the rules

[HuubA]

Live by the rules

I can't do what I please
You hold me by your leash
I know what I can't do
I'll just keep following you

I'm bound to these laws
Supposed to live without flaws
Well here's to you and all your fools
I'll live by your rules
I'll die by your rules

I'll break loose from these untightened ropes
You had your plans, you had your hopes
I can't let you tell me what to do
I won't be following you

I'm bound to these laws
Supposed to live without flaws
Well here's to you and all your fools
I'll live by your rules
I'll die by your rules

In your dark, mysterious way
The game I can't play
Your walls, I'm breaking through
I'll never be following you

Alright, I'm open to constructive criticism. Peace.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I can't do what I please
You hold me by your leash
I know what I can't do
I'll just keep following you


--S&M song? Really stretching for a good idea there. AABB is a horrible rhyme scheme when your lines are so short, it makes everything feel like a nursery rhyme. There's very little attention here to the motive, it's more like a "I go with the flow because I don't feel strongly about anything" verse. What I mean to say is it is weak. It feels like you didn't really care about what you were writing, or maybe you just didn't know how to start your song, so you came up with this. Definitely not a winning verse.


I'm bound to these laws
Supposed to live without flaws
Well here's to you and all your fools
I'll live by your rules
I'll die by your rules


--The whole bondage undertone here is kind of discomforting. Maybe there are some personal issues showing up that need to be dealt with in a different environment. The repetition in the last lines didn't really create much emphasis, because the idea doesn't strike me in such a way that makes me empathetic towards your narrator. It feels really objective. The whole idea is sort of preachy, and I've definitely seen presented in this fashion before.


I'll break loose from these untightened ropes
You had your plans, you had your hopes
I can't let you tell me what to do
I won't be following you


--Poor transition here, there was no mention of a transition of power between your protagonist and antagonist. It comes suddenly, and the audience is left in the dark as to what happened to cause this twist in the plot (however predictable it was). Again, your rhyme scheme kills your flow, and the vocabulary used is unimaginative.


I'm bound to these laws
Supposed to live without flaws
Well here's to you and all your fools
I'll live by your rules
I'll die by your rules

In your dark, mysterious way
The game I can't play
Your walls, I'm breaking through
I'll never be following you


--Look into your syntax in these lines, they are extremely confusing. You used a very round about way (passive sentances, I think) to describe the last bit of your situation. It slows down the processing of the idea and doesn't really have the impact you intend it to (the whole "I BROKE FREE, END OF SONG" idea). Boring finish.

Spice this up with imagery, and overhaul your ideas. It's such a mundane, predictable piece at the moment. Not much else to say.
1.5/10

[Magnus55]

Let me start off by saying APS was dead on with his critique.


I can't do what I please
You hold me by your leash
I know what I can't do
I'll just keep following you

I got a resounding feeling of "meh" from reading this line. As APS said, the AABB rhyme scheme is hard to pull off, especially with such short non-descriptive lines. Everything was all too literal here. Also, was this supposed to be a strong song of rebelion? The line "I'll just keep following you" reads as passive and conforming. Was this the right idea you wanted to convey?


I'm bound to these laws
Supposed to live without flaws
Well here's to you and all your fools
I'll live by your rules
I'll die by your rules

Again, AABB rhyme scheme is weak. The message here seems to be you disagree with the current established rule, yet you're too weak/apathetic to do anything about it.


I'll break loose from these untightened ropes
You had your plans, you had your hopes
I can't let you tell me what to do
I won't be following you

This is a sudden turn of events with no set cause or reason. Literature is the same as the real world; people don't just suddenly change-- there is always a reason. If your main character (you) moves from accepting conformity to rebellion, what caused it? You need to explain these issues to have a cohesive piece.


In your dark, mysterious way
The game I can't play
Your walls, I'm breaking through
I'll never be following you

Very predictable with no set cause for the turn-about. It left me feeling confused really.

You use the "do" "rule" "you" "Fools" "rules" "through" rhyme in 50% of your entire piece. It makes for very bland reading hearing the same words and sounds repeated over and over. Also your imagery is sparse to non-existent. I get the general idea you are trying to present, but it leaves me wondering "why" more than anything. What you have here is cause and effect with no true cause to your piece. All writing should have a purpose, what is the purpose of this?