@mospheres and Erosion

[Daisy_5]

Here's a sort of broken verse poem. Simple meaning :).

@mospheres and Erosion

The element of life:
A shard of atoms crashed with the inoculates of;
Demise shared out and pressed between pages,
And pages of succinct words.

I could be completely goading,
Then I’d be somewhat human,
And relentless from the sense,
Of reason.

Crash-Crash the course,
Of sentiment responding to the –
Pride of a nation.
Give us the price of a bomb,
And we’d give you a value to human life,
As every other form;
Needs no conservation...

Gold-Green engines,
Tear apart our swollen scales,
And let the chains clutter the space,
Between breathing and seeing.

[Daisy_5]

Not one reply?

[matthew121]

The element of life:
A shard of atoms crashed with the inoculates of;
Demise shared out and pressed between pages,
And pages of succinct words.

My first thought of from the first line was that it wasn't going to be very original, as this idea has been done many times before, but then again so have the themes of my songs. The rest though is well... unbelievable. I can't remember liking an opening stanza so much. When I read it a couple times,(and got out my thesauras, looks like I'l have to keep it out) it actually was so good it gave me shivers. I can only take from it what I interpret it to be, but the theme I'm getting (perhaps because it's been done so badly many times before) has been so brilliantly executed in your lyrics. Bravo.

I could be completely goading,
Then I’d be somewhat human,
And relentless from the sense,
Of reason.

Yeah, this is another great verse, but I guess I was a little dissapointed because of the quality of the opener. Well, not dissapointed as this is still really good but the imagery and ideas in the opener will not be matched for a long time. The thing is, I've seen this kind of verse before, not that it's bad, because it's better than most, but it doesn't put a grin on my face like the first stanza did. Looks your opener set too high of a hurdle for you to jump over again. Theres only one way to find out... lets move on.

Crash-Crash the course,
Of sentiment responding to the –
Pride of a nation.
Give us the price of a bomb,
And we’d give you a value to human life,
As every other form;
Needs no conservation...

Wow. I was wrong. This is another incredible verse. Well most of it anyway. It doesn't top your first but it's close to levelling it. My favourite line lies here also, but I can't help but feel deja-vu when I read it. 'Give us the price of a bomb/And we'd give you a value to human life'. I don't know why I feel I've seen it before, it's not cliche it's a fantastic line but... Oh I don't know. Brilliant verse anyhow.

Gold-Green engines,
Tear apart our swollen scales,
And let the chains clutter the space,
Between breathing and seeing.

Yeah, I had to read this quite a few times before I took something away from it. And I'm not even sure it's what you're writing about. You say this has a simple meaning but you really are making me look stupid by saying that. But maybe I am. I'll explain in the summary. Otherwise though, great imagery and ideas, executed well, but still not managing to top your opener.

Summary

Wow, I'm tired. It's probably why I'm not fully picking up the meaning of the song. To start with, because of your opener I thought you were basically talking about life with it's ups and downs, as if it's all thrown into a stroy book, hence the pages pressed bit. But as I read on, it seems obviously to be about war/politics and I picked that up from the closer too. Also, I looked back to the first verse and I can relate war to that too, pages being the newspaper and shards of atoms being explosions. Is it about war/politics. Don't worry if not, that's the beauty of poetry and that's also what makes great poetry, being able to interpret more than one meaning. Overall though, I really, really enjoyed reading this and although your opener was incredible, it was consistently great throughout. Very strong (but not overbearing) imagery, some fantastic thoughts and ideas displayed extremely well, a nice flow and just a very deep, well executed poem. Thankyou for writing it. Two questions though, just wondering, if this is a song what type of music would you put to it and sorry if this is rude but how long have you been writing. Thanks again. SHIVERS!

-Matthew

9.5/10

[Oh, Cassandra]

This is not the kind of message that draws me into a song. Just not my cup of tea, I guess.

That having been said, you paint a pretty picture.


The element of life:
A shard of atoms crashed with the inoculates of;
Demise shared out and pressed between pages,
And pages of succinct words.

I don't understand the punctuation. Are the second and third lines supposed to flow together? Either way, the opening is alright. It doesn't exactly draw the reader in, but it doesn't scare them off either. It does do a good job of conveying the emotion of the piece in a few lines. Good!


I could be completely goading,
Then I’d be somewhat human,
And relentless from the sense,
Of reason.

I feel that there should be another word between 'goading' and 'then' ... but maybe that's just me. I'm not getting much from this stanza, it seems alot like filler to me.


Crash-Crash the course,
Of sentiment responding to the –
Pride of a nation.
Give us the price of a bomb,
And we’d give you a value to human life,
As every other form;
Needs no conservation...


I like the first line of this stanza ... the entire thing is plain-spoken and to the point, but it isn't unappealingly blunt. That's a good thing.


Gold-Green engines,
Tear apart our swollen scales,
And let the chains clutter the space,
Between breathing and seeing.

Gold-Green engines .... sounds nice. I'm not sure what you're talking about, but it sounds nice.

Good job on this piece, it's an enjoyable read. I give unto thee 8/10 points. Keep it up =)