Keep you here

[JasonP]

Keep you here

There's something else out here
Something else
That even I can't see
Telling me that I should try to be
Everything there is in me
Just to make you smile

'Cause I know that I've let you down
A million times before
Please believe me when I say
It won't happen anymore
It's hard to trust a word I say, I know
But I just can't stand thinking you'll leave me
Everytime you go

The pain, the shame,
The feeling when I know I'm the one to blame
It hurts so much
When I know that I won't feel your touch
When I know you won't be around
When all I need is you
And you is all that can't be found

'Cause I know that I have let you down
A million times before
But please believe me when I say
It won't happen anymore
It's hard to trust a word I say, I know
But I just can't stand thinking you'll leave me
Everytime you go

And I don't want to let go of you
I want to hold on with all my might
It may seem selfish to keep you here
But I just can't let you leave without a fight
Dead without you next to me
Without you holding on to me
Being all that we can be
Together

'Cause I know that I have let you down
A million times before
But please believe me when I say
It won't happen anymore
It's hard to trust a word I say, I know
But I just can't stand thinking you'll leave me
Everytime you go


--This is my first post, please be honest..
I don't think this is one of my better ones,
You'll get to read the rest later..
Anyway,
Tell me what you think and I'll go tell other people what I think about
theirs..--

[Daisy_5]

It's not terrible. I don't personaly like it as it's overly simplistic and there's nothing there to peak my interest.

There's something else out here
Something else
That even I can't see
Telling me that I should try to be
Everything there is in me
Just to make you smile

This doesn't make much sense. Especially the lines "Everything...Smile". IT just seems like you jumped from one topic to another without actually bridging them both. The flow isn't bad, a bit common maybe.

'Cause I know that I've let you down
A million times before
Please believe me when I say
It won't happen anymore
It's hard to trust a word I say, I know
But I just can't stand thinking you'll leave me
Everytime you go

Again, I don't understand bits of it. ESPECIALLY the lines "But I just can't...You go". It doesn't make any sense, you can't stand thinking she's leaving everytime she go's?.

The pain, the shame,
The feeling when I know I'm the one to blame
It hurts so much
When I know that I won't feel your touch
When I know you won't be around
When all I need is you
And you is all that can't be found


Bland...Just bland. There's also a grammatical error, and you is? Massive mutation of english,common but not right. Try "and you're all that can't be found" you is sounds completely wrong.

And I don't want to let go of you
I want to hold on with all my might
It may seem selfish to keep you here
But I just can't let you leave without a fight
Dead without you next to me
Without you holding on to me
Being all that we can be
Together

You jump again, You're discussing loss for the most part then you come to this which is strange, suddenly she's going anyway but you don't want her to?, Bad story telling.

I'll give it a 4/10 as it doesnt have anything that makes it stand out and it's also bland as a piece of writing, try and build more complex imagery and topics that aren't over done.