Ten Green Bottles

[matthew121]

Ten Green Bottles

Chemicals that burn these deceptive stars
Will forever stain your untouched skin
For you'll paint the sky tonight, my dear
With fragments of your brand new face

These saltwater drugs contaminate the masses
Unshakable grips rid you of your unique grace
Unbreakable chains will brand your wrists eternally
Unaware that alcohol will replace your spirit
With it's own

These crimson sheets will offer their warnings
For forbidden love is painfully cliche
But the black market is open, illegal, so tempting
Those green bottles of lust will offer alibis
We'll take ten please.

Ablaze with fake passion and unnatural love
Colorless hands creep up your tainted veins
Your blood now runs clear, constant and thick
Like memories of tonight will travel your dreams

Sweet morning never lasts for long, its impatience
Wakes you with the sky you know too well
Light hits your eyes like the sound of smashed glass
And as you rise, thats exactly what you see
On the marble floor, memories of the night before

- Matthew

Yes this is an edit from my other piece, but i figured if i posted a new thread more people would look, sorry if that is against the rules. Please still crit though, I will crit back.

[matthew121]

bump.

[Mosh]

Thats IMO is a generally good piece. You've created a good atmosphere for the song and also used alot of Metaphors and Similes.

-Nath

[matthew121]

I need more of a crit than that if I'm to improve. Any more. I've given loads of good crits recently so you can count on me to crit back.

[matthew121]

90 views and not one decent crit, what is the world coming to. Better do some more crits myself then. Im not doing them to expect crits back but at least one would be nice, especially if you do say crit for crit. Ok then.

[Nightvision]

I may get to this a bit later... I've been busy trying to get my leg over this week, and when I have been here I've been doing Song of The Month, but if I'm about later I'll give you a crit. :)

[matthew121]

Ok, thanks.

[Linkinbassist]

Ten Green Bottles

Chemicals that burn these deceptive stars
Will forever stain your untouched skin
For you'll paint the sky tonight, my dear
With fragments of your brand new face

1st verse is nice, sets a good scene for the comming verses. The 3rd/4th lines remind me off the phrase 'Paint the town red', aka go on a boozer, which is what this song will be about, i'm guessing...Lets read on.

These saltwater drugs contaminate the masses
Unshakable grips rid you of your unique grace
Unbreakable chains will brand your wrists eternally
Unaware that alcohol will replace your spirit
With it's own

This 2nd verse, to me, makes sense. However, the first line is a bit of a tangent to the rest of the verse. I have fallen for the last two lines, as your use of the achoholic metaphor is exceptional. good stuff...lets roll forth...

These crimson sheets will offer their warnings
For forbidden love is painfully cliche
But the black market is open, illegal, so tempting
Those green bottles of lust will offer alibis
We'll take ten please.

this 3rd verse screams 'The mistakes of a drunken night out' to me. Theses verses so far flow well, expanding on these told-time-again effects. The last two lines again i fall head over heels in love for, just for the effect of it. good work...move onwards, lyrical soldiers...

Ablaze with fake passion and unnatural love
Colorless hands creep up your tainted veins
Your blood now runs clear, constant and thick
Like memories of tonight will travel your dreams
Clear, constant and thick

This 4th verse starts well, and i love the colourless hands metaphor. However, the repetition of 'Clear, constant and thick' in two seperate lines confuses me and disrupts flow. i can see what you wanted to tie together, but this doesn't work for me. Ah well, one pot-hole in the perfect asphalt...Lets make trails to the next verse...

Sweet morning never lasts for long, its impatientence
Wakes you with the sky you know too well
Light hits your eyes like the sound of smashed glass
And as you rise thats what exactly what you see
On the marble floor, memories of the night before

The 5th verse, which undoubtably is the 'Morning-after-the-night-before' verse. is 'impatientence' a word?! I've never seen it before in my life! ah well, moving forth...I like how it holds the sort of realisation throughout the lineage, and mounts to the final two lines to give the full ambiguious effects of the 'Ten Green Bottles'. I like this piece...a lot. I love your metaphor usage, and your use of language to provide imagery is amazing...

9/10

[matthew121]

Thanks so much for the crit. Yeah, impatitentence is a mistake, haha. It's meant to read impatience, i'll edit that. And i'll also edirt clear constant and thick. I thought maybe people wouldn't understand what I was saying but obviously they do so I'll take i out. And you also got the theme of the song perfectly, grasping almost every seperate bit, knowing what each verse was about. Thanks very much again.

[DeadReligion]

I'd introduce the meaning of the metaphor a little earlier, even if its a relatively subtle reference in one or two lines. Your imagery is flawless here, which is good, imagery is important. I don't like "cliche" as a word choice, because it's turned into what it describes, and its a tad annoying. Also, it's a bit weird how the verses are 4-5-5-4-5 (lines). I don't know, usually I keep them the same length, or use some pattern like with rhymes (4-5-4 or something). Just an idea. Anyway, it's a very, very nice piece.

[matthew121]

Thanks DR i'll get on to critting one of your recent pieces tomorrow but tonight i'm too tired..... :eek: .... thats me yawning... in a strange, surprsising way. Goodnight