words to a page

[QueenofAncients]

I have started this thread to see what people think of my words. Not lyrics or poems, not yet, they are all works in progress.
The words I am posting are in the process of getting towards a song, but not for a long time.




I hope it'll never end,
Tell me this is real
I hope it’s not too late
I’ll tell you how I feel

You find me lying here
Nowhere left to go
Pain lost within fear
I don't want to let it show

I hold on to the past
Too scared to let it go
Opening my life
To something I don't know

I’m scarred from my past choice
So tell me you won’t go
I’ll always be your life
That’s something you won’t change

Let you hold me near
Let you keep me safe
Show me you're in love
That things will stay the same

Can you please look at me?
And tell me what you think
How you feel inside

What’s on the road ahead
Is scaring me so much
I want to know it's true
That this is all I need.





thoughts??

[Magnus55]

I have started this thread to see what people think of my words. Not lyrics or poems, not yet, they are all works in progress.
The words I am posting are in the process of getting towards a song, but not for a long time.


So judge it as what exactly, if not as lyrics or poetry?

To me it read as very cliche', like reading a diary entry of any fifteen year old who thinks he/she is in love. You have the ideas but you're lacking substance and content, which is the most important thing. As it reads now, any adolescent kid could scribble down some rhyming things they feel and come up with a similar product (and they do very frequently). I'm not saying it's bad, but if you want your message to be heard or read when there are so many people out there writing works exactly like this, you will need to find a way to drop the cliche's and be more unique and original. Simile, Metaphor, and Imagery are the key components to a well written piece. Do use them.

[QueenofAncients]

I say that its not poetry or lyrics as it isn't yet. I started to write with the intent to create a song, but after I looked at it, I knew it needed work, hence why I am here. I am not that great at writing and composing.

Those words were written when I was unsure if my partner and I were okay, I wanted to be able to ask him.

I don't know, really, how to explain everthing that was in my head that day when those words appeared.

And just so you know, I'm nearly 22 years old and definately not the infatuated 15 year old it sounds like.

Sin'

[Magnus55]

Well it's good that you can acknowledge that it isn't yet complete. You've got good ideas and a good structure; now you need to add the fluff and icing to make it original and unique.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

No purple font. Please.

[QueenofAncients]

No purple font. Please.

my thread, my colours. problem? don't look.

[slack]

Yeah, there's really nothing here that interested me. It's too egocentric, too focused on your feelings and what's happening to you, and in that sense it is a diary entry. I wouldn't be suprised to hear this on the radio, actually, like on a pop station or whatever because this kind of stuff is all the rage, apparently. It doesn't stand on it's own, though. To fix that you'd have to write about something that's actually interesting and original, and less self-centered.

[QueenofAncients]

I wouldn't be suprised to hear this on the radio, actually, like on a pop station or whatever because this kind of stuff is all the rage, apparently.


*shrugs* This song on a pop station, your kidding right, have you listened to the lyrics of most pop songs?? Very few have a meaning, hidden or obvious.

Yeah, there's really nothing here that interested me

Oh yeah, and if you were not interested then why did you bother posting?? waste of time for you isn't it?

~ Sin'

[poo-poo-pee-pee]

You seem to very agressive to honest posts, simply because they did not like your lyrics.

Isn't that what you wanted?
Honest feedback of what people thought of your lyrics?

If not, why did you post?

I personally thought the lyrics were very cliche and uninspired. You could try to use more imagery, metaphors and sophisticated language to make your writing more interesting. Just don't over do it.
Also, the coloured writing is kind of a put of, as it looks like it is something written by a 12 year old girl, before you even read it.

Keep writing, you will improve with time. We all will. :thumb:

[QueenofAncients]

You seem to very agressive to honest posts, simply because they did not like your lyrics.

Isn't that what you wanted?
Honest feedback of what people thought of your lyrics?

If not, why did you post?

I personally thought the lyrics were very cliche and uninspired. You could try to use more imagery, metaphors and sophisticated language to make your writing more interesting. Just don't over do it.
Also, the coloured writing is kind of a put of, as it looks like it is something written by a 12 year old girl, before you even read it.

Keep writing, you will improve with time. We all will. :thumb:


I like to make my point from my point of view is all. I like honesty and that is why I am here. I just like to respond to the posts with my reasoning etc.

I didnt use metaphors etc, because I like to say what I mean, I dont want to fluff it up, I personally find that all a bit much. I dont like to use sophisticated language because that is not how I think in my own head.

I only chose the purple font because it is one of fave colours, oh and i was really bored at the time.

anywho, thanks for the post etc etc etc.

[RollerQueen]

Don't freak out on people when they don't like your style. You end up sounding like a jerk and, in this case, a pseudo-intellectual.

So you don't like metaphors. There's nothing wrong with that, and even the best writers use simple language (compare Eliot and Williams). Anyone who says that good writing HAS to have elements like metaphors or an extended vocabulary doesn't know what he or she is talking about, or is trying to coat the real issue with extrapolated nonsense from an introductory poetry class. Really, the simplicity just hurts you here. It needs drafting because, as of now, it comes off as unoriginal, like a first draft meant to set a template. This just didn't hold my interest. The easiest solution would be to be more specific.

So that's that. If you want to say something about my piece and how trite the rhyming is, go for it. It's called "When."

[austi_rocker]

this also came across to me as very cliche'. but i have no room to talk. it needs more creativity but it has potential.

[Angelicrock]

Its too cliche. That is the main problem with it. The fact I dont like the topic you are writing about turns me off from the pience. However, if you can use more imagery and vocabulary it may spark my interest. Im a sucker for well written lyrics/poems. With that said, this isnt well written. Go back, revise and repost. Im sure you can make it better.

[QueenofAncients]

Can anyone actually tell me what I am writting about? Since a lot of the comments I have read are telling me it is 'too cliche'. I want to know what you think my topic of choice is?


~ Sinquana Clare

[slack]

What a stupid name.

And this thing is ... a journal entry about your feckin journal.

[RollerQueen]

Is this the part where someone says that it's about a special friend or relative and you surprise us all with something entirely different, that it's a metaphor for something grand? Either way, it's not well-written, so get over yourself and deal with the criticism like an adult.

[Ducky_72]

Meh.

[QueenofAncients]

And this thing is ... a journal entry about your feckin journal.

uhh...Wrong. I don't have a journal anymore.

Is this the part where someone says that it's about a special friend or relative and you surprise us all with something entirely different, that it's a metaphor for something grand? Either way, it's not well-written, so get over yourself and deal with the criticism like an adult.

no special friend/relative nor is it a metaphor. I don't care that it's not well written by your tastes and standards, this went straight to paper from my pen, no editing, no nothing.
I don't need to get over myself, and I will deal with criticism my own way.

I feel that this piece says what I need and want it to say, that it means what it says and tells the intended everything they need to know about what is inside me. I know that if I tell you the reason behind this I will get criticism and what not, so I wont bother. And I wont bother posting anything else I write because I don't need to put with "meh" and "get over yourself".
Say what you want to this post, I don't care - none of you are in my position and do not know my story - so shut up.

[Minus The Flair]

Then don't write here if you can't take criticism, keep it to yourself and tell yourself how good it is. Plus, this piece is over 2 months old! Why the hell are you commenting you're crits now? This seems like a bump and you shouldn't bump something this old

[Mitch2oo6]

You, should leave the forum.
Now.
Please.
Unless, of course, you feel like pulling your socks up and taking criticsm, CONSTRUCTIVE criticsm, on the chin, so that you can be better, instead of firing back, being a smart ***, or making up exscsuses for your amateurish mistakes. Age doesnt mean anything when your writing music, because music doesnt recognise that kind of thing.

So, a) get a new attitude
or, b) find a new forum.