beginings of a new poem.

[I AM CANADA]

The little boy living far next door
Cries for maybe an hour or more
As his mama beats him every night
An alcoholic stuck in a losing fight

This mama’s man left her long ago
When her pregnancy test turned positive
He gathered his things and found somewhere else to live

So she drinks her sorrows away
Hoping that time will come to pay
Our brave little boy takes her rum and throws it to the drain
Hoping that it will be drowned by tomorrow’s rain

He puts himself to sleep, singing
Mama I have just one good wish
Please put me to sleep with a sweet kiss
Where I can’t taste the liquor on your breath
And your face shows no sign of death

One night his mama never came home
He was left on his own
The police came to his door the very next day
When he answered, they weren’t sure what to say

They finally told him the truth
His mama crashed into a telephone booth
She was drunk and driving as always
Her baby boy fell to his knees

Tears were streaming down his face
Suddenly everything was out of place
His world was spinning
Into a new beginning




hope you liked it, i just finished writing it... i am not compleatly done, i want to continue it, with his new world an everything..... tell me what you think. cheers:chug:

[I AM CANADA]

bumped

[711]

Wow... that is good!

My eyes became damp as I read (really)

You should make it like 10 pages telling of how he grows up to be a great role model and stuff

but yeah, that poem is good.

8.5/10 IMO

[Anarcho]

I like it. Very folk-ish (in the sense that it tells a story) and I like that. The second stanza, however, is a little akward, but only in the sense that it breaks off from the rhyme scheme, specifically, the second line. But, it serves to further the story, so I suppose you could leave as is, but. . .meh.

Overall, this is a great poem, and if it's just a start, wow. I agree with the previous guy, with the 8.5/10.

[I AM CANADA]

yeah thanks... i am thinking about deleting this part "And our little neighbor boy
Has never met his father Roy" cause the rhyme is just crap.... here i will go and post the edit it.....

[I AM CANADA]

it has been edited... check it out.

[I AM CANADA]

bumped... again.

[I Love Fat women]

Uhm, pretty boring concept in my opinion... and it lacks depth

[erock]

I guess your edits worked well even though I didnt see the original because it flows nicely. I'm not a fan of the second stanza, it's a strange break.

"And your face shows no sign of death" - I would keep the death at the end but change the idea maybe. Because it's (i think) a kind of weak imagery for someones face. Maybe for a crack addict, but I just don't feel it's that strong. Other than those I really like it, especially the last few stanzas.

[I AM CANADA]

ok thanks for the tips... i am working on the second stanza..................

[SubtleDagger]

Don't ask for crits. Read the rules.

[I AM CANADA]

Don't ask for crits. Read the rules. ok thanks...

[Turnips]

Our brave little boy takes her rum and throws it to the drain
Hoping that it will be drowned by tomorrow’s rain

I'm not too keen on the 'brave little boy' part, but 'tommorows rain' is pretty good, like sobering rain.

Where I can’t taste the liquor on your breath
And your face shows no sign of death

Great couple of lines there!

Overall its very good, got potential. I think you need to make it a bit more 'gritty' though. Don't ask me how though! lol
Good work

[Schirf]

"The little boy living far next door"

"far" and "next door" don't seem to mix. How about "The little boy living right next door" Or, to twist a phrase into a more powerful statement: "The little boy living wrong next door"...

[parabola_aenima]

"The little boy living far next door
Cries for maybe an hour or more"

I thought this part would "flow" nicer if it were like

The little boy living far next door
Cries for an hour, maybe more

[I AM CANADA]

"The little boy living far next door"

"far" and "next door" don't seem to mix. How about "The little boy living right next door" Or, to twist a phrase into a more powerful statement: "The little boy living wrong next door"...thanks for the advice, but i don't really get how they don't mix?.... can you explain it more?

[Schirf]

thanks for the advice, but i don't really get how they don't mix?.... can you explain it more?
A house that is "Next Door" isn't far away, it is exactly what it says it is, the next door in a line of doors. The phrase "next door" comes from urban row house settings, and while it has been expanded to settings where the "next door" may be another house, the use of "far" with "next door" seems to be a strange juxtaposition.