Deeper And Deeper

[Cipher Hour]

Deeper And Deeper
Written By: Cal Thomas

Deeper and deeper,
I’m going down.
Descending to hell,
A gutter downtown.
I’m Jekyll by day,
And by night I’m Hyde.
Don’t know where the beast-
Begins and ends inside.

Once was a good boy,
My innocence, sweet.
Corrupted by sin,
And a heavy metal beat.
So much temptation,
It’s hard to resist.
Was a non-believer,
I know that Satan exists.

The boy in the mirror,
He’s been long since dead.
The world put two bullets-
In his head.
Used to be weak,
And altruistic.
Now I’m just jaded,
And pessimistic.
Got fed up being used,
Abused and beaten.
Gave into the snake,
The apple’s been eaten.
At least as a monster,
My heart, they can’t touch.
Hatred comforts more-
Then God as a crutch.

I hated what I was,
And I hate what I am.
Not happy as a wolf,
Miserable as a lamb.
Misogynistic,
I’m sadistic.
Sick?
No, I’m just realistic.

My friends think I’m dead,
Or at least they pretend.
My parents don’t know me,
They just condescend.
Got no one to blame,
And I’m not gonna try.
I’m going to hell,
Not gonna scream and cry.

The boy in the mirror,
He’s been long since dead.
The world put two bullets-
In his head.
Used to be weak,
And altruistic.
Now I’m just jaded,
And pessimistic.
Got fed up being used,
Abused and beaten.
Gave into the snake,
The apple’s been eaten.
At least as a monster,
My heart, they can’t touch.
Hatred comforts more-
Then God as a crutch.

[Solo]

Started with sex,
And moved on to drugs.
Couldn’t fill the void,
Replace the warmth of a hug.
Moved on to violence,
Bathing in blood.
You reap what you sow,
A kingdom of mud.

Is it too late to change?
Have I fallen too far?
Should I just accept,
We are what we are.
Deeper and deeper,
This hole never ends.
Deeper and deeper,
My plight transcends.

Deeper and deeper,
Deeper and deeper… (repeat)

---

Any constructive criticism is appreciated and any reviews given will be returned.

[JasonP]

I like the way it's written and the sound when I'm reading it out loud.
I like how you used Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and stuff like that.
I think it's a good song =D

[matthew121]

First impression is it is a good piece, you have a great flow but it's very literal. Anywhere. Anyway, on to the crit.

Deeper and deeper,
I’m going down.
Descending to hell,
A gutter downtown.
I’m Jekyll by day,
And by night I’m Hyde.
Don’t know where the beast-
Begins and ends inside.

Yeah, this is an ok starter, nice reference to Jekyll and Hyde. My only complaint is that it's not that exciting, didn't really draw me in. Perhaps one of the reasons that is is because you used the word 'down' several times in different ways in the first 4 lines, 'deeper x 2', 'down', 'descending', 'DOWNtown'. Too repetitive. Seemed a bit fillerish.

Once was a good boy,
My innocence, sweet.
Corrupted by sin,
And a heavy metal beat.
So much temptation,
It’s hard to resist.
Was a non-believer,
I know that Satan exists.

The rhymes and the flow are very good here, it all seemed to fit well. The words themselves though were nothing special, it's basically telling a story as it is. Nothing to make me think 'well thats quite good'. It's all much too literal. Great flow though.

The boy in the mirror,
He’s been long since dead.
The world put two bullets-
In his head.
Used to be weak,
And altruistic.
Now I’m just jaded,
And pessimistic.
Got fed up being used,
Abused and beaten.
Gave into the snake,
The apple’s been eaten.
At least as a monster,
My heart, they can’t touch.
Hatred comforts more-
Then God as a crutch.

Again, a very nice flow but for the most part, very literal. You used some nice big words but still too boring. There were some decent lines though, i liked the 'gave into... been eaten' line. Well done for that.

I hated what I was,
And I hate what I am.
Not happy as a wolf,
Miserable as a lamb.
Misogynistic,
I’m sadistic.
Sick?
No, I’m just realistic.

Fantastic line IMO for the 'Not happy as a wolf, miserable as a lamb', probably my favourite part of the song. As for the rest, i liked what you were trying to say but it came across very meh. Again very literal. You really need to use more metaphors and imagery. Great 3rd and 4th line though.

My friends think I’m dead,
Or at least they pretend.
My parents don’t know me,
They just condescend.
Got no one to blame,
And I’m not gonna try.
I’m going to hell,
Not gonna scream and cry.

Didn't like this stanza at all. Very cliche. I mean 'My parents don't know me', and 'going to hell/ not gonna scream and cry'. Sounds like the diary of your typical 16 year old 'emo' (don't kill me, can't think of another word) schoolboy who's just been told he can't have his lip pierced. Sorry to be harsh, but thats how it sounds. I'd completely revise this stanza.

Started with sex,
And moved on to drugs.
Couldn’t fill the void,
Replace the warmth of a hug.
Moved on to violence,
Bathing in blood.
You reap what you sow,
A kingdom of mud.

In a word. Meh. Can't say much more than what I've said in all other stanzas. Too literal other than 'bathing in blood' which made me wince of how cliche it was and how many times i'd seen it before. (same thing, i know) Also kingdom of mud did stop me, but it made me think huh? What does this represent? Your world of darkness? No sarcasm intended. It's quite an interesting line. I suppose in a good way.

Is it too late to change?
Have I fallen too far?
Should I just accept,
We are what we are.
Deeper and deeper,
This hole never ends.
Deeper and deeper,
My plight transcends

Don't really like this ending. It's very anticlimax but maybe others would like that. I didn't. Again, the flow was good but the lyrics wern't that great.

Summary

To be honest, I think I may of been a little harsh with my constant nagging of literalism. Why? Because it made it very easy to understand, but you still managed to put in a little thought. Unforunately, I don't like things this literal and I think you should work on metaphors to make the reader think. Your imagery in some places was good, but quite repetitive so you should think about working on that too. I think your flow is great though, made it really easy to read. To sum up, your flow is great and your lyrics are easy to understand. Unfortunately, they're too easy and you should add more metaphors and better imagery. As it stands it's easy to read, but too simple and cliche. Hope this helps

-Matthew

Sorry if this crit is a bit simple, I'm a little bit somewhere else. Can't concentrate a whole lot.

[Cipher Hour]

As far as using more metaphors and better imagery, the literal type of songwriting is just simply my style. I'm perfectly capable of using more metaphors and placing them into my songs where there are none, as a personal preference I don't like using them a lot. As far as better imagery, for this song in question I agree, it could use some better and more descriptive imagery. The repetition of deeper, down, descending, etc is to try to get the reader to understand the person in question is on a steady path to hell (not in a metaphorical sense but in a literal sense). The stanza involving friends and parents wasn't supposed to sound preachy in a whiney teenager sort of why, but I can see where you might interpret it that way and I'll get on changing/replacing it. The kingdom of mud metaphor isn't a representation of darkness, in the context of the stanza it's a representation of what someone who does nothing but sin amounts to, nothing. If you do nothing but sin and use hatred and violence as a comfort for your problems, your life is essentially as valuable as mud. The ending is trying to suggest that the person in question realizes what they're doing is wrong and wants to change, but shows not the will or resolve to do such and just continues to go deeper and deeper down the "hole" they've dug themselves. The ending is anti-climatic intentionally and isn't supposed to have an apparent resolution or conclusion. There are plenty of people out there that suffer similar problems and unhappiness in their lives, and the answer to their problems is not always clear and many never even find an answer.

I appreciate your critique and am taking your criticisms into consideration for the 2nd draft. I'll get on a critique of one of your works as soon as possible, thanks once again.