No title, its a work in progress.

[jonnyward]

yeah this song sucks but i realy need songwriting help, so constructive critisism and useful tips please:wave:
oh yeah, the tempo and feel of the song is similar to that of "F*** you aurora" by Alkaline Trio, just to give you an idea of what its like, infact i almost tried to make it sound trio-ish


Life skills that were learnt are forgotten
now inside im going rotten, cos
for every pointless breath i breathe
theres a drop of black blood i bleed
living on, whilst im dying out
but no-one to care, without a doubt
something inside that wants to scream
locked up inside, is how i feel

so welcome to this world of me

Your bumper hit me clear of sense
Landed me here on ignorance
But your words never really meant,
Much to me, or anyone else
Or enough to change the way i am
Im too far gone for you to bring down
Time i realised what i already knew
We didn't fit in, and we'll be dead soon

The easiest way out, of this cold world

yeah well thats it so far

[Comfortably_Numb]

I'm not the biggest fan of the second stanza, I think it should be worked with a lot.

[jonnyward]

I'm not the biggest fan of the second stanza, I think it should be worked with a lot.
yeh its kinda ''poppy'' when i talk about the ''prom'', then i try to rescue it by cutting my legs off :rolleyes: lol, im not a songwriter i just wish i was, this could take some time

[Magnus55]

Surprisingly enough, I rather liked it.

you and me going to the prom
for you someone else, i was wrong

I feel the line in the second stanza comes way out of left field and reads like a sucker punch to your piece. You have all these nice ideas and imagery building up, in the first stanza and then you cheapen it with the overly literal line of "you and me are going to prom..." Could you possibly find a more subtle way to say that?

You've got a decent amount of talent; fix the line, finish this piece and I'll give you another critique. :)

[jonnyward]

OMG! its incredibly difficult for me to match the second verse with the first! please, any 'pointers'? i really want to try hard with this. lol I also have absolutely no idea for a chorus that would give the song an edge, bear with me.

[jonnyward]

I'm not the biggest fan of the second stanza, I think it should be worked with a lot.
any particular parts? saying which are the worst parts would be helpful:thumb:

:chug: my 200th post!!

[Comfortably_Numb]

any particular parts? saying which are the worst parts would be helpful:thumb:

:chug: my 200th post!!

Well, to tell you the truth, the entire thing. Though the changing of the first 2 lines is a start.

[jonnyward]

Well, to tell you the truth, the entire thing. Though the changing of the first 2 lines is a start.
yeah ok, i do love these 2 lines if i must say so myself:naughty::

"for every pointless breath i breathe
theres a drop of black blood i bleed"

those two lines actually came to my head on my birthday, weird huh? yeah i was just about to go to bed and these words just popped into my head, i thought "christ, better write those down!" lol, so basically i dont think that i need to think too hard when writing, let it come naturally, see what happens, im gonna work on it some more tonight.

later:wave:

[jonnyward]

Well i've changed the second verse. Your comments please!

[JasonP]

In my opinion (nothing you can really count on) it's quite good.
Better than most of the stuff I come up with anyway =P

[jonnyward]

In my opinion (nothing you can really count on) it's quite good.
Better than most of the stuff I come up with anyway =P
thanks:chug: . Yeah im quite pleased with this song, its my first one that doesn't sound like COMPLETE dribble lol

[jonnyward]

well i cant be bothered to complete the first song at the moment, so im gonna post some more stuff ive done a bit later, most of those arent yet finished either :rolleyes:

[jonnyward]

Your Comments Please!!!
''18 Months With You''
N.B.** Its hard to convey the rhythm and timing of this song, but i can tell you its pretty fast paced!

verse 1:
Seeing through the lines
Holding up 8 fingers to my face,
Erasing the past 18 months with you,
My bigger mistakes take longer to get through,
Once again, im the one to blame,
But whatever you do, things still stay the same,
I get hated most of all,
By everyone, as sympathy runs away as usual,
Mortality would be the easiest way out,
An exit blocked by self-harm doubt,
You don't feel guilty about the few words that you said.

verse 2:
You slipped and fell right on your a*s,
I luaghrd and cried, at you face firts on the grass,
Praying that you broke a bone,
Showing how little i have grown,
But i have every right to say that,
From what little right i ever had,
That was taken away,
By your friends oon such a sorryfull day,
Did you ever think things could ever be this way?
Or were you caught up in your own game?
Feeling stupid as ever, as we are never face to face

Chorus:
Once something so great,
But all ended in hate,
So i won't be getting a postcard from you in hell,
The vivid memories of the day you slipped and fell,
So pathetic,
But so god damn enjoyable.

Verse 3:
Blood seeps between the lines
Holding 1 finger to your eyes,
Wasted the past 18 months with you,
Erasing your face makes it easier to get through,
When theres no-one else to blame,
Your friends talk sh*t, but all remains the same,
and i come out worst of all,
Embarrassment and a*s kicking as usual,
Insanity would be the easiest way out,
Diminishing all of your doubts,
Pleading guilty to all the words i never even said.

Chorus 2:
Once something so great,
But now too late,
So i won't want a pointless postcard from you in hell,
The good memories of the day you slipped and fell,
Not so Pathetic,
So Fu*king enjoyable

[Break]
Chorus 3:
Now something to relate,
From what is now too late,
So don't write a pointless postcard to me from hell,
You said enough the day you slipped and fell,
When you said nothing at all,
But the cry from the fall,
Your sobbing was pathetic,
So Fu*king enjoyable

Thats it for now, but as you can see, requires further development. For those who are interested: This song is about the splitting of two friends, and their incapability to say what they mean, one gets hurt badly one day (maybe even dies), and the other couldn't care less, as it is too late, ironic as the speaker feels like dying or going mental anyway, but then doesn't......:rolleyes:

[drumass04]

Hey, make a new thread for your second song, you'll get more comments and critiques that way!

To be honest I couldn't really get into your first piece, it's got a couple of original ideas in it it just didn't work for me. I won't go into it as I don't really understand my thoughts so can't write about it.

I might come back and read it again in a bit.

Keep on writing though :) Good luck.

Timmy