Untitled lyrics

[666Ozzfan]

This isn't really a song, but just a whole lot of thoughts that I had when i was going through a bit of a hard time with my girlfriend about 2 weeks ago. Just wondering what your thoughts are about it. It was fully off the cuff as I was writing it, and I wasn't really thinking about it. Anyway, here it is, sorry if it's too long:

- untitled -

Sleep
That momentary bliss of nothingness.
Where people go to forget.
For make-believe.
Where stories are no more than the minds illusions.
The happy place
But tonight
Sleep does not come for me
It does not come to take my mind
What is it?
Sleep.
It does not come tonight.
Tonight it will not take my pain
Or am I just dreaming
Will I awake like nothing is wrong
That’s the beauty of sleep
But I know it is real
I know
I wish that sleep would come
My mind races
My body shakes
Why?
I feel empty
My hearts been ripped in two
My head followed.
My soul feels nothing
Only a desire to know why.
How.
Will I ever live again?
Like yesterday
Will I feel life’s warmth
Like yesterday
Will I feel love
Like yesterday
Or only a void
I know I have before.
That was yesterday
Today I’m not so sure
As I lie awake
How?
I want to cry
But my eyes remain dry
Unfeeling
I want to laugh
Like I could yesterday
Will I ever trust a person
Like I have before
Why will sleep not come?
Why must I be tortured by my thoughts?
I wish I could sleep forever
Hide
Hide from the world
From my thoughts
But I’m afraid to sleep
Sleep is where people go for make-believe
But makebelieve can scare
I’m afraid of sleep
I’m afraid of staying awake
Why is this so?
As I lay awake
I look around
This is what I love
I look at love.
Why can love cause so much pain
Is it me?
I embrace love
I want to feel again
I want to be free of this void
There is love
Wanting love
Understanding
Caring
Can I?
I think
I can
I will love again
As I gaze at love
I see love
But still sleep evades me
But I know I have loved
That I love
And that I will love again
I trust
I will not sleep
I will love
I have to love
I am love

[slack]

It was fully off the cuff as I was writing it, and I wasn't really thinking about it.It reads like it.

Lines like "That momentary bliss of nothingness" were hard to take seriously. Too grandiose.

None of this really caught my attention. It's a journal entry about your feelings, your thoughts, and I ... well, I just don't care. And nothing makes me care. The writing itself is not very interesting, to say nothing of the general concept behind it, and the onslaught of personal pronouns was really off-putting. Sorry I couldn't be more positive.

[PECOAE]

Well, he wasn't in the poem, so there isn't any reason for you to be positive.

Seriously, I don't think this should be a song; just because it's very internal and does seem more like poetry than a song. I guess it's good, but too "heart-wrenching", if you get my meaning.

[Magnus55]

I"m with Slack on this one. Your piece reads as a journal entry and little else. It doesn't even strike me as poetry, just a long rambling that someone split up into short little lines. I read the first ten lines and skimmed the rest. I think most readers will do the same.

[drumass04]

Yeah...erm...what Slack said is true.

There isn't really an ounce of poetry in this, for writing to be poetry, it has to take into account structure, metre, rythm and form...To be honest, I don't think you did any. There aren't any literary devices employed in the piece, that takes away from it even more.

And that's not mentioning the amount of times you wrote sleep and love...over ten for both. That's over the top, did you not even read it through before you posted. You basically said the same thing over and over again. What you wrote about could be summed up in a single couplet, that's how many times you repeated yourself!

Also you said it wasn't a song and that it was just a jumble of thoughts, if you recognise that, why post it on an internet forum for songs, lyrics and poetry?

Sorry for the flaming, but it was necessary.

Timmy P

[matthew121]

This sounds like a rambling philosopher. No wait, a rambling teen who thinks he could be a philosopher. It had no structure and no flow and isn't really worth going into a in-depth crit because it was very poor and really hard to read. Basically sounded, like slack said, that you were jsut putting you're thoughts straight to paper and then putting them on this site without reading what you wrote. There was nothing to stop me being so critical except to say, I've seen worse. But at least theirs had structure.

[QueenofAncients]

This sounds like a rambling philosopher. No wait, a rambling teen who thinks he could be a philosopher. It had no structure and no flow and isn't really worth going into a in-depth crit because it was very poor and really hard to read. Basically sounded, like slack said, that you were jsut putting you're thoughts straight to paper and then putting them on this site without reading what you wrote. There was nothing to stop me being so critical except to say, I've seen worse. But at least theirs had structure.

just so you all realise, this piece was not meant to be a song or a poem or anything. It was words to a page to help sort things out between us (666Ozzfan is my boyfriend).

There is not meant to be a rhythmn to it, nor beat. if you think it is a peice written by a teen with no clue, think again.

Just had to stand up for my boyfriend is all.

[666Ozzfan]

Ok, true. It does sound like a long ramble, and I see I repeat myself about a million times. I was expecting to be told it sounded like an angsty emo teen with no hope and I knew thats how it sounded.

And I wasn't really expecting people to read every word and I thought most people would end up skimming through anyway. Also, it's not really to make it sound "poor me" and I'm not expecting anyone to really care. Wouldn't expect you to.

Just asking for thoughts on it. It's the first thing I've really ever "written".

Anyway, that is all. Trying not to sound defensive lol.

[Magnus55]

Thats a good attitude to have 666OZzzfan. You'll go far in these forums. :)

[hedgefudge420]

Repitition is all part of a song usually. I dont see whats wrong with repeats. I`m sure it could be used in a song if you were creative enough anyways. I mean I like it more than most stuff I read on here in my opinion.

[666Ozzfan]

I mean I like it more than most stuff I read on here in my opinion.

Hey thanks :thumb:. Nice to hear something positive lol.

Not that I have anything against the other comments, mind. I think criticism is alot more helpful than praise without some sort of tips.

[jurialmunkey]

It has way too many of the Letter "I". Also, There is way too much fat. You need to cut off the excess... If you are going to repeat an idea, then find another creative way to express it. The only place where repeats are generally excepted is in the "hook" or "chorus" of a piece. Or in some rare occasions (when used wisely), to reiterate a point and make its significance stand-out. When a whole piece has the same ideas repeated over and over again we all may as well be reading the lyrics of Brittany Spears or Avril Lavigne.

Also, try to avoid cliche ways of expressing ideas (Such as "My hearts been ripped in two"). These are boring and Ms Lavigne does it better because she makes money out of it. And unless I have a gross miscalculation of the type of person you are, then you are never going to make it as a pop idol. If you want it to be respected more than some cruddy Pop-Song, then write with more Intelligence than a Pop-Song and avoid the cliches.

There are numerous guides and pointers and tips in this forum. You should check them out. Goto:

http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/showthread.php?t=459065