Snap this Camels Back

[Linkinbassist]

Here's another set of lyrics. I went for a more story-tellers angle here...see what you think.

It struck me way be before 11
2 hours east to be precise
you said you didn't ever love me
but you gave a damn good try
minutes after, I was sahttered
tired, empty and alone
calling friends with no succession
In my room was where i cried

The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back

its with me all the way to midnight
when i shut my eyes and run
Still in my mind, your words chase me
'I just don't like you anymore'
Almost two weeks since that phone call
still as hallow as that night
Everyone was asking questions
In my room is where i cried

The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back

And still i sit up in the morning
Every day i'd take you back
With myself i get so angry
In my room is where i Cracked

The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

It struck me way be before 11
2 hours east to be precise
you said you didn't ever love me
but you gave a damn good try
minutes after, I was sahttered
tired, empty and alone
calling friends with no succession
In my room was where i cried


--Sorry to call you out on your imagery so early, but does that second line refer to 1 o'clock (2 hours east *clockwise* of 11=1)? I feel cheapened reading it. Clever lines should be saved for when they are REALLY clever, not just thrown into subpar opening stanzas to make your song seem better than it's going to be. This verse just deteriorates from then on. It's full of contrived, trite lines and a general lack of imagery. Within the span of 8 lines, you've lost my interest in whatever else you've written, but still I press on.


The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back


--You're crying in your coat... that or you somehow put a raincloud in there. Then your coat is so poor at retaining water, that the tears fall onto the rug. You shot into future tense there on that third line. To me, it seems like your heart and mind are already broken, unless you just want to discard whatever salvagable message you placed in this piece. Honestly, are you so far over the edge about this lame little breakup situation you have that "one more straw" will break your back?


its with me all the way to midnight
when i shut my eyes and run
Still in my mind, your words chase me
'I just don't like you anymore'
Almost two weeks since that phone call
still as hallow as that night
Everyone was asking questions
In my room is where i cried


--Haha. Sorry, but are you a 12 year old who just broke up with his girlfriend of half a week? Midnight is way past your bedtime if you're using lines like "I just don't like you anymore." This has become a cookie cutter breakup song.


The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back

And still i sit up in the morning
Every day i'd take you back
With myself i get so angry
In my room is where i Cracked


--I can only tell you how poorly you've written this so many times.


The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back


I don't really see any hope of fixing this piece. Your juvenille use of emotion, terrible imagery, and all around poor crafting of the words drags this piece down to one of the worst I've ever seen on these boards. You really need to take a step back after finishing a lyric like this and say "Will people laugh at me if I post this? Does it have overused ideas? Does it make me look like a whiny little girl?" If you answer yes to any of these questions (in this case all of them), revise the piece yourself before posting it. Breakup songs are a dime a dozen, and you did nothing outstanding to make yours any different. I don't think I can point out one line that I thought was worth keeping, my only suggestion is keep writing, everyone starts out pretty bad at it.
.25/10

[matthew121]

A little harsh don't you think a perfect sonnet, if like you say, this is a beginners piece of work you must treat is as such. It is definitely not the worst piece on the boards. I don't want to embaress anyone with references but trust me, theres worse. *cough, dead body in a bag, cough*. Deserves more than a 0.25/10, i read that and thought ouch. It definitely wasn't great, but not the worst.

It struck me way be before 11
2 hours east to be precise
you said you didn't ever love me
but you gave a damn good try
minutes after, I was sahttered
tired, empty and alone
calling friends with no succession
In my room was where i cried

I'm assuming the first two lines are to do with a clock, not sure, try to make it more understandable. The rest has all been seen before, very cliche, no imagery, no metaphors just a straight read. Try rewording. Opening stanzas or verses are very important as they are meant to keep the reader reading. Also spellcheck.

The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back


The only line that didn't make me wince here was the last, i can't stand the phrase tears bleed. The lsat line was quite nice though, after reading everything before it i was quite gleefully surprised. Kudos for that.

its with me all the way to midnight
when i shut my eyes and run
Still in my mind, your words chase me
'I just don't like you anymore'
Almost two weeks since that phone call
still as hallow as that night
Everyone was asking questions
In my room is where i cried

Again, nothing special here at all, very cliche, nothing to stop me and make me think 'ah, thats quite clever, i like that'. And "still as 'hallow' as that night", do you mean hollow? You make it hard to crit because all I can say is, add imagery or metaphors, try to make the reader think.

And still i sit up in the morning
Every day i'd take you back
With myself i get so angry
In my room is where i Cracked

Exactly the same criticism as every other verse. Why should I read this? What can you give me in your lyrics thats different, why should i read it?


Summary

After critting this, i can now sympathise more with APS. You're writing is unoriginal and uninspiring. I'd disagree with APS saying there were no good lines. The last line of the chorus is the only one i looked at and thought it didn't fit with the rest, but only because it was much better than everything else. I imagine you didn't revise this before you posted it. You should. You have to read it and think, why would anyone want to read this? What have i got to offer that's different to anyone elses lyrics. Unfortunately, you didn't do that and it's just been all thrown in. No decent, original imagery, no metaphors at all, no provoking my mind. I'll give you a 2.5/10 instead of a .25 but perhaps its because i'm too soft and APS is just honest. Don't stop writing but do start revising. Hope this helps:)

-Matthew

[Linkinbassist]

It struck me way be before 11
2 hours east to be precise
you said you didn't ever love me
but you gave a damn good try
minutes after, I was sahttered
tired, empty and alone
calling friends with no succession
In my room was where i cried


--Sorry to call you out on your imagery so early, but does that second line refer to 1 o'clock (2 hours east *clockwise* of 11=1)? I feel cheapened reading it. Clever lines should be saved for when they are REALLY clever, not just thrown into subpar opening stanzas to make your song seem better than it's going to be. This verse just deteriorates from then on. It's full of contrived, trite lines and a general lack of imagery. Within the span of 8 lines, you've lost my interest in whatever else you've written, but still I press on.


The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back


--You're crying in your coat... that or you somehow put a raincloud in there. Then your coat is so poor at retaining water, that the tears fall onto the rug. You shot into future tense there on that third line. To me, it seems like your heart and mind are already broken, unless you just want to discard whatever salvagable message you placed in this piece. Honestly, are you so far over the edge about this lame little breakup situation you have that "one more straw" will break your back?


its with me all the way to midnight
when i shut my eyes and run
Still in my mind, your words chase me
'I just don't like you anymore'
Almost two weeks since that phone call
still as hallow as that night
Everyone was asking questions
In my room is where i cried


--Haha. Sorry, but are you a 12 year old who just broke up with his girlfriend of half a week? Midnight is way past your bedtime if you're using lines like "I just don't like you anymore." This has become a cookie cutter breakup song.


The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back

And still i sit up in the morning
Every day i'd take you back
With myself i get so angry
In my room is where i Cracked


--I can only tell you how poorly you've written this so many times.


The waterworks are in my coat
the tears bleed through into the rug
the heart and mind will break together
One more straw will break this camels back


I don't really see any hope of fixing this piece. Your juvenille use of emotion, terrible imagery, and all around poor crafting of the words drags this piece down to one of the worst I've ever seen on these boards. You really need to take a step back after finishing a lyric like this and say "Will people laugh at me if I post this? Does it have overused ideas? Does it make me look like a whiny little girl?" If you answer yes to any of these questions (in this case all of them), revise the piece yourself before posting it. Breakup songs are a dime a dozen, and you did nothing outstanding to make yours any different. I don't think I can point out one line that I thought was worth keeping, my only suggestion is keep writing, everyone starts out pretty bad at it.
.25/10

...Well, not only was this excritatingly harsh, but also unnecesary elitism. I will start by saying not everyones usage of the english lexicon can be as apparently outstanding as you are clearly trying to boyster yourself and your work as. the song was written about a Harsh breakup i endured which did throw me into some depressive dis-array, with most of the verses being a true account as to what happened that evening and thus the following month. The linear language was meant to create a 'Typical juvenile Breakup' song which, by reading this, is to your obvious distaste. I do apologise and, in follow-up, bow down to your near-monumental delight at ripping these lyrics to miniscule pieces, which as i see includes your exceedingly harsh yet purely excellent analysis of my aural poertry. I sincerely apologise for the waste of paper, ink and of course your time that i have inevitably caused. Thank you for reading, however, and thanks for throwing one of the sadest times of my life away like you would **** into a fan.

Twat...

[matthew121]

Awesome rant, way more emotion than your lyrics. Try and convey that in to your songs. Your vocabs better there too. However that was completely unecessary and now your lowering himself to below his level. He was just offering a crit. Although harsh, and sometimes unecessary, he was still trying to help. Funny rant though. I'll get it in the neck for saying that. Im NOT encouraging you, try not to do it again.

[Linkinbassist]

Awesome rant, way more emotion than your lyrics. Try and convey that in to your songs. Your vocabs better there too. However that was completely unecessary and now your lowering himself to below his level. He was just offering a crit. Although harsh, and sometimes unecessary, he was still trying to help. Funny rant though. I'll get it in the neck for saying that. Im NOT encouraging you, try not to do it again.

Help means supporting someone and pointing out to them how to do something better. Help is not slaying someone to the point of ritualistic death because, hey, you're clearly an English Literature Degree holder! And the rant wasn't meant to be funny, sorry to say...

[matthew121]

Ok... il just shut up then. Il just say if you ask for a crit and its not what you like, big deal, don't cry over it, take their advice, as their is some there, and prove them wrong second time round. I'm sure APS didn't just think ah linkinbassist, he sounds like an idiot, lets give him a pointless, horribly hrsh crit to make him upset. He went into a lot of detail and must of spent quite a bit of time and you should appreciate it. I'll agree it's unecessarily harsh but so what? Who cares? You definitely shouldn't.

I'm not going to reply to your next post, I say that because I know theres one coming.:thumb:

[Linkinbassist]

Ok... il just shut up then. Il just say if you ask for a crit and its not what you like, big deal, don't cry over it, take their advice, as their is some there, and prove them wrong second time round. I'm sure APS didn't just think ah linkinbassist, he sounds like an idiot, lets give him a pointless, horribly hrsh crit to make him upset. He went into a lot of detail and must of spent quite a bit of time and you should appreciate it. I'll agree it's unecessarily harsh but so what? Who cares? You definitely shouldn't.

I'm not going to reply to your next post, I say that because I know theres one coming.:thumb:

when was the last time you dealt out criticism that included the words Midnight is way past your bedtime if you're using lines like "I just don't like you anymore." '? This is why i care, because what he same as 'criticism' i saw as a free-for-all insult session because it makes him feel big and clever on the internet. I don't care if you don't post a reply, but i just want you to understand that i'm pissed off at what i see as Disrespectful Pseudo-criticism...

[slack]

I wouldn't get so worked up about it man, his critiques are always like that. It really didn't seem that harsh to me, but maybe you're not used to that kind of honesty.

[Linkinbassist]

I wouldn't get so worked up about it man, his critiques are always like that. It really didn't seem that harsh to me, but maybe you're not used to that kind of honesty.

I'm used to honesty. I'm not used to Belittling someone because you think you can. I never do it, but that might just be how i was raised, y'know, to respect other people and their feelings...Might just be me, i don't know...

[insanepunkguy]

aps, stop being a c*nt
listen, its not fantastic, but jsut because its not amazingly abstract like your songs, doenst mean you have to be stupidly harsh. it wasnt amazing, but it wasnt half as crap as u said it was. you quoted something that was in speech marks and had a go at him for using it saying it was immature. THINK DUMB****, its in speech marks, its quoted from someone else, its immature, hes saying the girls immature not him!!
Ok enough of ranting at others, lets see...

Right first off, have you been reading alot of my work, because i was reading through this thinking i could have written something liek this with the same device structure/usage, if you get what i mean. anyways...

i think there is room for work here, there some nice ideas, but i think some more thought needs to be put towards this. its a great starting board for a good song, but some more time needs to be put into this. emphasise the personal images that are brought in here, and use them cleverly, really think about it.
I'd like to see a revised effort on this piece, so i wont score it yet
but dont be dishartened by what other people say man!! you've written some good stuff before, ancd you can still do it!!

[Linkinbassist]

aps, stop being a c*nt
listen, its not fantastic, but jsut because its not amazingly abstract like your songs, doenst mean you have to be stupidly harsh. it wasnt amazing, but it wasnt half as crap as u said it was. you quoted something that was in speech marks and had a go at him for using it saying it was immature. THINK DUMB****, its in speech marks, its quoted from someone else, its immature, hes saying the girls immature not him!!
Ok enough of ranting at others, lets see...

Right first off, have you been reading alot of my work, because i was reading through this thinking i could have written something liek this with the same device structure/usage, if you get what i mean. anyways...

i think there is room for work here, there some nice ideas, but i think some more thought needs to be put towards this. its a great starting board for a good song, but some more time needs to be put into this. emphasise the personal images that are brought in here, and use them cleverly, really think about it.
I'd like to see a revised effort on this piece, so i wont score it yet
but dont be dishartened by what other people say man!! you've written some good stuff before, ancd you can still do it!!

I need to read through some more of your stuff, i haven't been critiqing for a couple of days. Now, this is what i consider a good, well approached critique. thanks for being a normal and decent human being, dude...

[SubtleDagger]

APS's critique was completely justified. If you disagree with something someone says in a detailed and just crit, get over it and say thanks anyway. Don't drag your own thread down into petty arguments, because this forum is for receiving criticism and that means you should learn how to receive it properly, despite how harsh it is.