The Musicians' Ball

[PECOAE]

Sam – the guitar man,
Was, walking around.
Picking his instrument up,
He flung it all around,
Knockin’ two fellas to the ground.

They said, “Oww, whatcha’ do that for?!”
He say, “I don’t know, but there’s a whole lot more!”

Rob – the man on the job,
Was on his beat,
Finding the two fellas on the ground,
Whose names were Joe and Pete –
He swore that he would help them, but then stepped on their feet.

They said, “Oww, whatcha’ do that for?!”
He say, “I don’t know, but there’s a whole lot more!”

Greg – he’s the man who begs,
And he was sittin’ on the road,
He sees a man walk by with a guitar,
While Joe and Pete lie outstretched like toads.
He grabs his bottle of booze, chucking it at the two, he’s just following the musician’s code.

They said, “Oww, whatcha’ do that for?!”
He say, “I don’t know, but there’s a whole lot more!”

Joe and Pete struggle to their feet,
They get up slowly from the floor.
The guns are taken out for each,
And they make their way to the door.
But before they can make a move, they are shot in the feet by the four.

They said, “Oww, whatcha’ do that for?!”
They say, “Musicians all like a little blood and gore!”

[Magnus55]

ugh...

Sam – the guitar man,
Was, walking around.
Picking his instrument up,
He flung it all around,
Knockin’ two fellas to the ground.

You rhymed "around" with "around". Don't do that.


They said, “Oww, whatcha’ do that for?!”
He say, “I don’t know, but there’s a whole lot more!”

What? This makes no sense.


Rob – the man on the job,
Was on his beat,
Finding the two fellas on the ground,
Whose names were Joe and Pete –
He swore that he would help them, but then stepped on their feet.


"Rob - the man on the job" has more sylables than "Sam - the guitar man". The parallelism is there, but it seems forced.

"Whose names were Joe and Pete" You do so much backtracking in this line. "Whose names were" could just as easily be said as "Named" leaving you with "Named Joe and Pete"

"He swore that he would help them, but then stepped on their feet." Again, way too many words to explain a simple idea. The "them" is implied when you first introduce "Joe and Pete". Get rid of it. In the next line Either cut the "but" or "then"; you don't need both.


Greg – he’s the man who begs,
And he was sittin’ on the road,
He sees a man walk by with a guitar,
While Joe and Pete lie outstretched like toads.
He grabs his bottle of booze, chucking it at the two, he’s just following the musician’s code.

"Greg – he’s the man who begs" I don't understand why you have the "he's" in there, when neither of the two previous lines had it. Again, stick to the parallelism.

At this point, you have too many characters to keep track off, and I don't really care. You've introduced what... five generic male names and they're all interacting? If you want people to care or even think about your characters, you either have to A. develop them, or B. have fewer characters.

Your last line is way too long.


Joe and Pete struggle to their feet,
They get up slowly from the floor.
The guns are taken out for each,
And they make their way to the door.
But before they can make a move, they are shot in the feet by the four.

You have "feet" in there twice. It's not to rhyme, and it's not to form parallelism. Find another word.

And where did guns come from? I thought they were all musicians?


They said, “Oww, whatcha’ do that for?!”
They say, “Musicians all like a little blood and gore!”

Again, what?

It really was an uncomfortable read. The mechanics were poor, and there seems to be no true message or point to it. Ideas and people are introduced and disappear almost randomly. It reminded me of Everlast's "What it's like" but without any content.

[drumass04]

The rules say no joke songs...if this isn't a joke song then I feel so sorry for you.

Seriously, I'm suprised Magnus put up with it that long to actually crit it.

[PECOAE]

Ehh, whatever. Actually, I just liked the chorus.

Though people who've read it in other places got the meaning immediately.

Whatever. Thanks for your extremely necessary and helpful comment, drumass.