Edward the precursor and the theory of relativity [Archive]

insanepunkguy

04-29-2006, 07:07 PM

my latest piece, not much to really say except its one of the more weird titles ive come up with

Edward the precursor and the theory of relativity

To me you were the first thing
It was worth loosing my head for
That was worth breaking my heart for
That was something I’d kill for

And I always swore to myself
From that day, along to this night
That sometime I’d take you back
Into my hands that shake with weakness

And I dreamed a nightmare yesterday
You raised you arm and cut my rope
And I lived to somehow see the day
You kill yourself to live slowly

My morals sink back into
The whistling wind that blows
My hair, and as I take this night
For my own, there’s no kiss

No nudge and no wink
No tongues and no tricks
No feeling like that one
At least I remember that room

And I dreamed a nightmare yesterday
You raised you arm and cut my rope
And I lived to somehow see the day
You kill yourself to live slowly

I fell down to my knees and pleaded for mercy
You took none, and gave none, and still had the time
For hanging up by calls and deleting my handwritten
Pieces of love and pieces of sorry that were so insincere

It was truly funny, I laughed at my own faults
I made my own jokes, and I slept through my own dreams

matthew121

05-01-2006, 02:53 PM

Edward the precursor and the theory of relativity

Yes, that is a wierd title, got my attention though. Whats the story behind it? Anyway, the crit.

To me you were the first thing
It was worth loosing my head for
That was worth breaking my heart for
That was something I’d kill for

Ok then, for me, that's a pretty poor opener, but seems to flow well. It's very cliche and you also need to spellcheck it because loosing isn't a word. I think you mean losing. The repetition of for is pretty generic but I seemed to like it, don't quite know why. Other than that, it's pretty poor, cliche. I mean 'breaking my heart', 'something I'd kill for', 'losing my head', I'm sure you can do better than that,

And I always swore to myself
From that day, along to this night
That sometime I’d take you back
Into my hands that shake with weakness

A little better, but still nothing at all special. It's quite boring, nothing to spark my intrest, try using more imagery as my mind is currently quite flavourless.

And I dreamed a nightmare yesterday
You raised you arm and cut my rope
And I lived to somehow see the day
You kill yourself to live slowly

Dreamed a nightmare? I don't know if thats a mistake or your trying to be clever but it definitely doesn't work. The rest is very complicated. Didn't understand how it fitted together at all. It might just be me being a spanner, please explain this for me. I mean, 'You kill yourself to live slowly'?

My morals sink back into
The whistling wind that blows
My hair, and as I take this night
For my own, there’s no kiss

I'm really tired and this really isn't doing much for me. I was perked up a bit buy the first two lines, those are vaguely interesting, finally a tiny bit of imagery, but again it's very boring and I've read this all before.

No nudge and no wink
No tongues and no tricks
No feeling like that one
At least I remember that room

Finally, something worth waking up for. I really quite like this stanza. The repetition of no works really well, gives it a nice flow and mixes the song up a bit. The last line isn't too good though. It just didn't sit well with me. Perhaps because it didn;t really explain anything ro go anywhere.

I fell down to my knees and pleaded for mercy
You took none, and gave none, and still had the time
For hanging up by calls and deleting my handwritten
Pieces of love and pieces of sorry that were so insincere

Please please please reword 'pieces of love'. Sorry to be harsh, but it really is quite pathetic. You have something going there though with the handwritten thing. Just please reword it. The hirst two lines are too literal aswell.

It was truly funny, I laughed at my own faults
I made my own jokes, and I slept through my own dreams

Hmmm, interesting. I was going to slaughter this closing stanza for being contradicting to the others but as I read it again it's interesting. Is it his way of coping with the breakup? Same thing goes for 'slept through my own dreams'. I was gunna say 'well duh!' but i guess you don't actually sleep through your dreams. Interesting, at least theres something to salvage here.

Summary

Definitely, for the most part, this was a very boring song and desperately needed more decent imagery to spark it up. You also need to reword many lines and just well... make it interesting. I was worried there would be nothing good to take away from this but the last stanza is decent and the title is interesting. It's just the whole message of the song has been done a zillion times before and 90% are just like this. You need to think about how your writing can be different enough to get you in to that prestigious 10%. Don't give up because it's definitely possible. Keep writing. Hope this helps:thumb:

- Matthew

Also, could you have a look at Ten Green Bottles please. Thanks