Fun Lover?

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

it still needs some work its a slow ballad type alternative song


Her dad is a drunk and her mom a mess
She don’t go to church cause she thinks she’s the best
She stays out late and likes to have fun
She wont come around till the night is done

Chorus:
And when she runs from this place
She will fly so high on the wind

She turns water to wine with just one kiss
She wants more than a life full of bliss
She walks through the park every day
But nothing will ever be ok

[Nightvision]

erm....

It's very cliched - this is the kind of song we see here about 2-3 times a day on some days. Your rhymes felt forced and unoriginal, and there was no real attempt at generating any kind of imagery or depth to the piece. Read Subtledagger and ATC's guide at the top of the forum, then come back and have another shot - you definitely need to get rid of the forced rhymes and cliche theme though.

Anyway, welcome to the forum and make sure you do your bit by critiquing others too. Read the rules for details.

[Magnus55]

As Jason said, very Cliche'. Seems like you're just picking ideas to fit a rhyme scheme. Don't do that.

[(H@mm3R-0f-Th3-G0D$)]

thanks guys.. il definetly go back and fix all that