Disingenuous

[i am the robots]

There was a fair maiden born of discord
Still sweetly, she walked on, her head held high
The cards which she's been dealt have ended lives
Still strongly, sweet maiden, she hung on tight

Father, holy, relieve this torture
My lord, almighty, wash this flood away

There was a privileged lad born with it all
He lived an easy life he felt he earned
The cards that he'd been dealt were not enough
This lad needed so much more and so they met

Selfish bastard, ensnared by greed
Mother ****er, destroyer of lives

and still she holds it to herself
and still believes she is to blame
The strongest of us are those who cannot point the finger
The strongest of us are those percieved to be weak

Why has our maiden, this angel of light, live such a life ravaged with pain?
How could this bastard, who's life was in tact, steal such a choice from our maiden in such an act?

Our fair maiden, cursed without reason
She blames no one but herself
Never will she plan for the time to be right
Never will she bestow this gift on a man
Never will her choice bring her its joy
Why, God, has her choice been stolen away?

[Majesty]

..wow..

[drumass04]

I started reading this and was immediately excited. The first stanza is very powerful, the way I read it, it sounds almost like a fairy tale. Great work.
The only let down is the third line, anything to do with cards relating to an unlucky/lucky life is incredibly cliched. I'd suggest changing it.

The couplet is wonderful, perhaps the second part of the second line is a little cliched, but it's nothing terrible. I really quite liked it :)

The third part keeps that almost fairy tale feel about it, it's very effective. It isn't quite as strong as the first stanza, and again the cliches in verse three are annoying. But apart from that it's good.

I think from this point onwards the piece begins to fall apart. The swearing totally rips the fairy tale feel you had before. It's a total change in writing style, and to be honest, I don't think there is much need for a change.

The only part in the final half of the piece I enjoyed was this;

Why has our maiden, this angel of light, live such a life ravaged with pain?
How could this bastard, who's life was in tact, steal such a choice from our maiden in such an act?

This has the same sort of fairy tale/pantomime theme as the beginning of the piece. The swearing fits well, so i congratulate you on that. The rhyming is what really brings out the pantomime type feelings, it's simple, but fits the writing style you started out in. Well written :)


There are good parts and bad parts to every piece, and I think in this one they were about level. With a little work on the final half of it, this piece could be great. It's got a brilliant feel and style of writing behind it in places, you just seemed to fall out of it in places. There are the occasional cliches, they occur more in the second half, though I pointed some out in the opening stanzas.

I'd advise a revision, if you want to keep a steady style of writing throughout.

Keep up the writing, and good luck :)

Timmy P

[i am the robots]

The changes from the fairy tale feel to the bluntness are related to the whole concept of the song along with changes in the music, it starts out pretty and upbeat, but then it just crunches into really heavy parts.

[crazysockmanface]

genius...That was the feel I had from the start: that the song would feel slow, and then the second you hit "selfish bastard", I knew it was to be rock. I myself am a screamer, and let me tell you...I was screaming. I loved it. And, another point I'd like to expound; even throught the whole fairytale type stuff, you kept it pretty dark and hard, and that's the key. Another plus is the style in which it was written: it didnt have to rhyme to be catchy. That's the style i like. Norma Jean type stuff. I'm thinking (with the revisions drumass04 commented) this song is a nominee for you-know-what.