Doused in Amber

[pixiesfanyo]

Doused in Amber

Dusk splits abrasion of affliction
Antagonists lash at luster of morn
Lineage glazes a black board
Esteemed caliber adorned
Dwelling in a grotesque array of limbs
I pan through an age of factitious selfness
And find myself relentlessly
Outlined by jockeys on a merry-go-round

A shadow of I
Bows to his kin
And asks to borrow the sun
His desire tempt
By whispers of
Feebleness and separation

Helios watches his fallen stars take up their reigns

[DeadReligion]

I love this, however, the title angers me. Doused and amber are both overused words. Also, shouldn't tempt be tempted?

And find myself relentlessly
Outlined by jockeys on a merry-go-round
^ Nice imagery, but, I don't get it.

7/10

[pixiesfanyo]

Well, it's kind of pointless to you know.. race on a merry-go-round.

Plus the title has to do with the allusion some of it is based off of.

[The_One]

Dusk splits abrasion of affliction
Antagonists lash at luster of morn
Lineage glazes a black board
Esteemed caliber adorned
Dwelling in a grotesque array of limbs
I pan through an age of factitious selfness
And find myself relentlessly
Outlined by jockeys on a merry-go-round

I like how you use more prominent words to pin point and deliver exactly what you want, however I feel that you’re adding too much and using them incorrectly. The first line sounds good, but it doesn’t make any sense at all. I think you need a “the” or an “a” in front of abrasion because it is a noun. Affliction is a noun too. Keep in mind you’re using a noun to describe a noun??

I’m going to translate what I’m literally getting from this piece:


Night separates a worn area of a painful condition.
Adversaries attack the brilliance of morning
Descendants look at a black board ( descendants (are on/cover) a black board?)
Prized quality is decorated/worn/displayed
Living in a disgusting display of limbs
I pan through an age of (factitious? – fractictitious is not a real word) selflessness
Marked by jockey’s on a merry go round


I guess you’re good at using words that sound nice and spark feelings when read. However, the fact that you don’t really seem to use your words together to convey an overall message makes me find your piece a bit lacking. Sorry but that's just what I honestly felt.

6/10

[DeadReligion]

Outlined may not be the best word choice to portray that.