In Bursts.

[Jezen]

Swirling, seeping, shooting
Intense spontaneous melody of
A serenade singing itself here now

Terror, fear, trembling
My vision is contorting and bending
Turning lights over and under your hair

Balanced, solemn, calm
Regrouped and rallied I sigh to myself
The string of notes have flowed out of my ear

It's a chilling touch
Sitting here so much
Could have moved away
But compelled to stay
Purple and yellow
My veins run shallow
I'm wasting away
Like a ghost today

'Cause compassion comes in bursts
And you know I loved you first
And I feel the rapid rushing
And the stream of time is gushing
And it sends me spiralling to
The floor



Please help me with these... I'm a n00bie. Tell me what you think if you would be so kind.

[DkMind]

Wow it’s a great song, but seems hard to sing. And it seems oddly positioned. But that might Help

The Stanza:

“It's a chilling touch
Sitting here so much
Could have moved away
But compelled to stay
Purple and yellow
My veins run shallow
I'm wasting away
Like a ghost today”

would sound great as the chorus.

[Linkinbassist]

i'll take it its supposed to progress like a tool song? cause if so, you're hitting the mark. i like the movements in the stanzas. good stuff, dude...

[Mitch2oo6]

First things first
An incredible improvement on the free verse attempt. Well done in that department. Getting to business though now...

Swirling, seeping, shooting
Intense spontaneous melody of
A serenade singing itself here now

The stanza is a bit muddled. Your first line is excellent; your next two lines are excellent; but they dont like in anyway. You need a link, there must always be a link.

Terror, fear, trembling
My vision is contorting and bending
Turning lights over and under your hair

This time, there is a link. It's the 'trembling' that links it. This is a good stanza, you can feel it progressing. Very nice, chicks and hair are a bit cliche.

Balanced, solemn, calm
Regrouped and rallied I sigh to myself
The string of notes have flowed out of my ear

Whoa. This stanza is the best of your three. Follows well, sets up the finale, which I liked. This is a top stanza.

It's a chilling touch
Sitting here so much
Could have moved away
But compelled to stay
Purple and yellow
My veins run shallow
I'm wasting away
Like a ghost today

Touch/much rhyme is a bit forced. It doesnt have to rhyme. The next one is also a bit forced, and slightly cliche'. Next one, forced. Again, your rhyming for the fun of it. Next two...ok-ish. A bit cliche'. Edit out this stanza.

'Cause compassion comes in bursts
And you know I loved you first
And I feel the rapid rushing
And the stream of time is gushing
And it sends me spiralling to
The floor

This is a good ending, and a good chorus I would have thought, if you had wanted it to be. Free rhyming, something I like, good flow, falls into place nicely. Not to bad.

Overall - needs a bit of work. The stanza before the final one is actually pretty bad, so you lost a mark or two there. 7/10.

[Dinosawesome]

Well written but your meter is fragmented, which makes it a real pain to read. Clean up your verses and try make them flow. I'm not talking about counting syllables, but using your words so it sounds clean cut. Apart from that, good use of language and imagery.

6.5/10