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forever_favored
04-26-2006, 07:23 PM
Middle of July (You and Me)

Hello, did I wake you
from your sleep?
How long did it take you
to realize it was me
on the other line?
How are you?
Yea, I’m doing fine
And it seems like forever since we last talked
Some days I wish it were summer so that we could go walking
Like we used to do, I miss you.
One day it will be like it used to be
Just you and me

And although anytime with you is wonderful
And the memories we make are more than memorable
I wait for your smile when the air’s nothing near cold
Oh…oh…

When your hair is the color of highlighter pen
And your smile reminds me just how great it’s been
And I know that soon all this comes to an end
But today it feels like we just began

The fall is too long
And the winter’s too cold
And the springtime’s too rainy
The sun doesn’t glow enough
You look so much better when the sun’s in your eyes
Yea you look at your best in middle of July

I told you I’d write you
I forgot
I really didn’t mean to
It’s just that there’s a lot
Of things I’m going through
Lately and
I know it’s no excuse
Times flew right by since the last time I saw you
And At times I feel so lonely I don’t know what I should do
I wish things were the same
When it rains
I wonder why all things change like the sea
Except you and me

And although anytime with you is wonderful
And the memories we make are more than memorable
I wait for your smile when the air’s nothing near cold
Oh…oh…

And your eyes are bluer than the 3:00 sky
And I look at you closely but you never ask why
And you seem to understand what it means to say goodbye
Yea you know that I’m leaving but you never start to cry
‘Cause you know come this time again
I’ll be back around
So you savor the moments
To hold your doubts down
This friendship is forever
I hope that you remember me
Even when it’s cloudy

‘Cause the fall is too long
And the winter’s too cold
And the springtime’s too rainy
The sun doesn’t glow enough
You look so much better when the sun’s in your eyes
Yea you look at your best in middle of July

When your hair is the color of highlighter pen
And your smile reminds me just how great it’s been
And not a worry arises when the sun blinds your eyes
And we spend each other’s days just happy we’re alive
And your eyes are bluer than the 3:00 sky
And I hold you so closely but you never ask why
And you seem to understand what it means to say goodbye
Yet you know that I’m leaving but there’s no need to cry
And we’ll wait for fall, winter, and spring to melt to summertime

Though the fall is too long
And the winter’s too cold
And the springtime’s too rainy
The sun doesn’t glow enough
Your squinting blue eyes is the picture in my mind
I’ll always remember you in the middle of July….

Linkinbassist
04-26-2006, 07:27 PM
wow...just, wow. there's one thing i don't get though...Is this about a good friend you want to be something more, or someone who is already yours, if you catch my drift? This is a brilliant piece by the way...

forever_favored
04-26-2006, 07:46 PM
hey, it's about a friend...i moved and i promised i'd keep in touch but i didn't and i only get to see her during the summer...i was just thinking about her when i woke up a moment ago and just started writing...

Jezen
04-26-2006, 07:49 PM
How about you send her the poem? Awesome piece of writing btw.

Linkinbassist
04-26-2006, 07:55 PM
hey, it's about a friend...i moved and i promised i'd keep in touch but i didn't and i only get to see her during the summer...i was just thinking about her when i woke up a moment ago and just started writing...

Kool...I can relate to it a lot, cause my friend moved to Newcastle from hampshire, and i see her during holidays only. Granted 6 weeks is shorter than a year, but i still relate to your piece a lot because of it...

forever_favored
04-26-2006, 09:18 PM
thanks a lot

The_One
04-26-2006, 11:41 PM
Hey look a fellow writer who writes in the same prose based style as me! Nice! =]

On to the crit:

Hello, did I wake you
from your sleep?
How long did it take you
to realize it was me
on the other line?
How are you?
Yea, I’m doing fine
And it seems like forever since we last talked
Some days I wish it were summer so that we could go walking
Like we used to do, I miss you.
One day it will be like it used to be
Just you and me

This opening is just wow. Really nice. I like the conversation you seem to carry on with yourself. The walking part add's a nice touch to it. Last line seems a bit corny but not really. No biggie.

And although anytime with you is wonderful
And the memories we make are more than memorable
I wait for your smile when the air’s nothing near cold
Oh…oh…

I don't know, these lines don't appeal as much as the beginning. It's okay though.

When your hair is the color of highlighter pen
And your smile reminds me just how great it’s been
And I know that soon all this comes to an end
But today it feels like we just began

I don't know, something about comparing hair to a highlighter pen doesn't give off the best similie to describe something. It seems forced. Might want to use another metaphor/similie/figurative language.

The fall is too long
And the winter’s too cold
And the springtime’s too rainy
The sun doesn’t glow enough
You look so much better when the sun’s in your eyes
Yea you look at your best in middle of July

Nice final line. But the 3 first lines aren't as catchy, or don't really build up to that final line as they should. I don't know, maybe it's just me.

I told you I’d write you
I forgot
I really didn’t mean to
It’s just that there’s a lot
Of things I’m going through
Lately and
I know it’s no excuse
Times flew right by since the last time I saw you
And At times I feel so lonely I don’t know what I should do
I wish things were the same
When it rains
I wonder why all things change like the sea
Except you and me

You're just rambling now. Take the most important thing you want to say and leave everything else out. The fact that you're including too many stray thoughts is detracting from you piece. For example,

And At times I feel so lonely I don’t know what I should do
I wish things were the same

That's terribly cliched.

And your eyes are bluer than the 3:00 sky
And I look at you closely but you never ask why
And you seem to understand what it means to say goodbye
Yea you know that I’m leaving but you never start to cry
‘Cause you know come this time again
I’ll be back around
So you savor the moments
To hold your doubts down
This friendship is forever
I hope that you remember me
Even when it’s cloudy

I don't want to sound harsh or anything but this piece is losing me. There doesn't seem to be any real creativity left in this piece.

Overall I'd say great opener. A few things to touch up on, take things that you don't need out. Grab some other object to compare her hair to. Strengthen the part before the climax so that there's an actual build to it. 7/10

forever_favored
04-27-2006, 06:38 PM
thanx for the advice, i posted a revised version, make sure you tell me what you think...i fixed the things you suggested...or at least i think i did lol...