Untitled for now

[Deconstruction]

This is one of my friends song, and was inspired by the Vietnam memorial (wall with lots and lots of names on it.)

War is the sum of all our fears
The names will never outnumber the tears
This is the price which freedom is bought all these men who bravely fought

Athough their faces may disappear
Their memories will always be held dear
Why do they die when they could live
Why do we fight when we could give


If war is evil and peace is divine
Than why do us humans walk such a thin line
The choice is simple its black and white
We should put down our guns and end the fight

I know the rhyme scheme is aa bb but its one of his first few songs.
Thanks for any crits.

[Jezen]

War is the sum of all our fears
The names will never outnumber the tears
This is the price which freedom is bought all these men who bravely fought

I thought this first stanza was a little cheesy. Sounded alot like what your history teacher would tell you in primary school.

Athough their faces may disappear
Their memories will always be held dear
Why do they die when they could live
Why do we fight when we could give

This is more like it. The last two lines brought alot of power to this stanza.

If war is evil and peace is divine
Than why do us humans walk such a thin line
The choice is simple its black and white
We should put down our guns and end the fight

This is good too. The ending was a little bit weak, but the first two lines are good. Me personally, I would remove "us" from line 2, so the syllables fit.

[Sever]

The rhyming seems really forced, as if the words he used were selected only because they rhymed, not because they were the best choice of words in the context of the topic.

Also, try using some poetic devices, IE metaphors, similies, alliteration. Doing this gives your poems and songs a feel that uniquely screams "you" after some practice. And I'm sure you've probably heard this a million times, but... show, don't tell. It also helps a crapload in poetry, not just in prose.

[Deconstruction]

The rhyming seems really forced, as if the words he used were selected only because they rhymed, not because they were the best choice of words in the context of the topic.

Also, try using some poetic devices, IE metaphors, similies, alliteration. Doing this gives your poems and songs a feel that uniquely screams "you" after some practice. And I'm sure you've probably heard this a million times, but... show, don't tell. It also helps a crapload in poetry, not just in prose.
Ya, ill tell him thanks alot guys.